Joe Rogan Abandons Tribal Amnesty Project, Cites Douchebaggery
by Mitch Cumstein
July 8, 2014
UFC color commentator and former Fear Factor host, Joe Rogan, visited an indigenous tribe in Papua New Guinea late last month. He left abruptly after discovering the primitive village was “literally swarming with douchebags.”
“As a general rule, the Waruta people are covered in tribal tattoos,” said a social worker. “Does that make them douchebags?”
“I supposed maybe it does.”
The pre-literate Waruta had lived for centuries without any outside human contact. Rogan’s visit came as a complete surprise.
“He was throwing down cases of Alpha Brain, asking if anyone knew where he could get some Ayahuasca,” the social worker continued. “The community felt threatened, they lit fires, covered themselves in mud, and invoked their ancient gods of protection.”
The comedian left abruptly.
“Like I said,” Rogan explained, “every single one of these anonymous douchebags was wearing this big tribal mask, waving his spear around, yelling all this rude nonsense that wasn’t even clever.”
“If you’re going to be cunty, how about you say it to my face, Shaka Zulu.”
Local authorities agreed the place could “use a good flushing.” And perhaps serendipitously, most of the tribe had perished from the common flu by early last week.