Football Ground >> For the new West Ham fans out ther

It has come to our attention that now we have signed two world class players (Spuds take note - world class means really outstanding, and not the sort of promising youngster who Tottscum sign for £15m and then ruin, i.e. Rebrov, Defoe, Postiga etc etc) some of you glory chasing supporters, the type who currently follow Manure, Liver**** etc despite never having been further up the M6 than north Birmingham may want to become West Ham supporters instead. We know this will only be temporary until another club becomes flavour of the month, but we would like to advise you of the basics. 1. West Ham United are a club based in the East End of London, and play at Upton Park. If you need to pretend you have a long-standing support in the club, expressions such as "Bonzo eh, how he never won an England cap I will never know" and "Paolo Di Canio - what a legend" are useful. For special supporter status, "I used to stand on the chicken run as a youingster" is vital. 2. West Ham do not serve Prawn Sandwiches or seven course banquets at matches. The local delicacy is the Balti Pie, which is also a high-strength laxative. 3. West Ham have never won the Premiership. We were however the last winners of the FA Cup as a second division side, the moral winners of this year's FA cup and, uniquely the only club side ever to win the World Cup in 1966. 4. At Upton Park, face paint, jester hats and huge hands with "Go Hammers" etc are illegal inside the ground unless you are under 12. However, unlike other Premiership grounds you are allowed to sing, shout, swear and make as much noise as possible. 5. Upton Park is in a largely residential area, so do not expect to pop into the DIY or electrical superstore next door for some pre-match shopping. 6. Traditionally, supporters of West Ham are supporters for life, so it would be wise to keep comments such as "I used to support X" or "I support West Ham and Chelski" will be frowned upon.