Top 10 Nicknames You've Never Heard
It seems like the entire MMA world is filled with a potpourri of The Pitbulls, The Beasts, Hands of [insert variation here] and Assassins. Whenever someone like Wanderlei 'The Axe Murderer' Silva comes around, the only thing you can do is stand-up and applaud for originality. There's always the occasional hit and miss but if a fighter chooses to think outside the box, they definitely get an 'A' for effort (and for using the phrase 'think outside the box', I get a 'C' for cliche). After many weeks of culling through the hundreds of MMA fighters with awkward nicknames, we've finally found 10 fighters who truly have the best nicknames you've never heard of.
1 – Mike “The Math Librarian" Martelle
2 – Dominic "Mr. International Playa With a Passport" Ahnee
3 – Jeff “Scary Nickname” Nader
4 – Makoto “Chomolungma 1/2” Maeda
5 – Oriol “Cookie Monster” Gaset
6 – Chan Sung “The Korean Zombie” Jung
7 – Ali “Iraqi Samuray” Ileiwi
8 – Joe “The Gheto Man” Charles
9 – Gabe “The Golden Gremlin” Holmes
10 – Ulysses (Useless) Gomez
The Night Useless Knocked out Fernando Vargas
If you're not from Las Vegas, Nevada then you've probably never heard of Ulysses "Useless" Gomez...unless your name is Fernado Vargas. Apparently after UFC 71, Useless drunkenly goes up to Tito Ortiz's entourage and slugs one of the guys directly in the face. The guy on the other end of Gomez's fist was two-time world champion boxer, Fernando Vargas. Don't take my word for it, here's an account of a guy that saw the scenario pan out.
Saturday night in Las Vegas, Nevada, the fighters in town for UFC 71 – Liddell vs. Jackson switched their focus from the battles to the bottles and gathered in a hotel bar. Chief among those killing brain cells was pankration fighter Ulysses "Useless" Gomez, who'd been keeping a steady pace since the night before. Shaking hands and buying drinks, he stumbled from table to table like the orangutan from the classic Clint Eastwood movie "Every Which Way But Loose". Bottle after bottle, his mustache was never dry.
I'm not sure why, but one of the Mexican boxers in Tito Ortiz's entourage, refused to shake his hand. Useless did not react well, hit him, and hit him hard. Moments later, hotel security was dragging him away, shirtless and howling. A person nearby asked if there was a camera crew around filming a reality show. It turns out this Mexican boxer laid out cold on the floor was none other than former two-time world champion Fernando Vargas.
After the party had settled down, I decided to hit the sack and headed up to my room. The last thing I expected when the elevator doors opened on my floor was to find myself face-to-face with a shirtless, weeping Ulysses Gomez. Nevertheless, there I was and there was he, the fighter who had just knocked out Fernando Vargas with a quickness, Ulysses Gomez, shirtless and weeping.
I can't say for certain what my facial expression told him that night, but I can tell you this: He didn't like it.
"F*ck you! You motherf*cker!" he shouted.
The "fight or flight" instinct kicked in.
I chose flight.
Thankfully, two of Useless' handlers David Bollea and Simpson Go were there to restrain him. Seizing my opportunity to escape, I headed for my room, speed walking with the panicked intensity of a frightened ostrich. Fumbling madly for the hotel room key-card, images floated through my mind of a scrambling fight to the finish with a weeping, tequila-breathed pankration fighter. Seconds later, I was safely behind a locked door, peering out through the peephole like a cornered rat in a hole. Useless was in the hallway. I wondered if the door was strong enough.
As an extra precaution I took the liberty of calling the front desk. "Ulysses Gomez chased me into my room," I said. "You might want to send someone up here."
"We know," the voice replied, sounding exasperated. "We've gotten three calls already about it. Security is on the way."
Still in disbelief? Check out what Tito Ortiz had to say about that 'useless' night.
"Ulysses "Useless" Gomez knocked him out. Fernando Vargas came after Useless. It was something that should've never happened; it was a scuffle outside of a nightclub. A friend of Vargas' jumped on my back goofing around, who is actually a real nice guy, we get along. So he was just goofing around, jumped on my back and acted like he was choking me from behind and one of my fighters, Tiki Ghosn, thought that he was actually attacking me and put him in a choke from behind and ripped him off my back. Well, I turned around and saw who it was, I told my fighter, "No, let him go" and right when my fighter let him go, he (Vargas' friend) turned around and asked my fighter (Ghosn) "What the hell are you doing?" And then one of the guys from Cobra Kai (Simpson Go), who is a friend of Useless, thought that the guy was actually causing problems and punched him and knocked him out. Then a big brawl started out of it; it was complete confusion. When the brawl started, Vargas took off his jacket and went after Useless, which, you know, he was just trying to defend his friend, and threw a punch at Useless and missed and then Useless hit him with a combo and knocked him out. He kicked him a couple of times, and I pushed Useless away from him to stop the fight and Tiki Ghosn helped Vargas up to his feet. In a nutshell, Useless lit Vargas up like a Christmas tree, and kicked his head like a football."
Despite having a record of only 4-1, dude has definitely made his mark on the MMA world...and Fernado Vargas' skull.