Dan Quinn edges Datsik for craziest athlete in all sports

by Sean Baby | source: cracked.com
 

#7. Ron Artest - Basketball
#6. Rae Carruth - Football
#5. Dennis Rodman - Basketball
#4. Mike Danton - Hockey
#3. Tonya Harding - Figure Skating
#2. Viacheslav Datsik - MMA
#1. Dan Quinn - Football, MMA
Dan Quinn staged his own personal war against drugs and lost. In his hundreds of batshit crazy YouTube rants, he brags about a tackle he made at Notre Dame: the greatest stop in college football history. I don't want to say he's overselling it, but when he finally shows the tape, he's one of 11 people jumping on the fullback. If they made a movie about it, Dan's character would be named "Football Player in Pile." Dan Quinn's Hall of Fame moment sounds like the caterer for Braveheart claiming he won the Oscar for Best Picture.

After single-handedly conquering collegiate football, Dan went on to an unsuccessful career as a mixed martial artist. The head wounds from that, plus the methamphetamines, have left him with only one thing: stevia. Stevia is a type of sweetener that Dan Quinn uses to maintain his ordinary but very shirtless physique. It turns water into soapy water through a process Dan calls "cold fission." None of it makes any sense. The only thing I'm sure of is that Dan used the last of his money to invest in some bizarre artificial sweetener pyramid scheme. Also, Dan Quinn's artificial sweetener brought his mom's cat back from the dead and he called her a bitch for not appreciating it.

For me, the special moments in his videos is when he stops to address only the ladies. I'm not sure if I was supposed to be listening, but Dan has a lovemaking technique that involves jabbing you just above your g-spot by the pubic bone and stomach wall with two fingers and then performing something that sounds like cunnilingus but more disgusting. He describes the female vagina like a fifth century gynecologist with Tourette's Syndrome. Yet somehow, isolated in his mother's guest room, he invented the idea of engaging two erogenous zones at the same time. Sexually speaking, that's not unlike Leonardo da Vinci conceptualizing the helicopter far from the era where it was possible to build one.

Most women are looking for a man who's such a giving lover that he's literally offering it to anyone on the Internet. Luckily, Dan always ends his monologues about vaginas with an invitation to wrap yours around his probing fingers. Strangely, he never says what he's looking for in a woman. If I had to guess, I'd say he's on the kind of dry spell that has him asking petting zoo employees what kind of security they have at night.


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tags: Dan Quinn   Viacheslav Datsik   video   



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Recent Comments »

Dominique Robinson site profile image  

6/6/13 2:39 AM by Dominique Robinson

STEVVVIIIAAA!!!!

Ligeia420 site profile image  

6/6/13 12:03 AM by Ligeia420

Quinn!!!

crowbar site profile image  

6/5/13 3:04 PM by crowbar

They offered Dan a plea bargain and he refused it.So,he is going back to court.

knuckleballs site profile image  

6/5/13 3:02 PM by knuckleballs

Fighters who need to watch their waistline; chocolate with stevia has 25-30% less calories than other chocolates. Good shit.Also, does anyone know about his court case?

MMA Playwrite site profile image  

6/4/13 7:42 PM by MMA Playwrite

Elaborate!How did no one force this man to tell the tale of Dan Quinn and his wife?

FOTN site profile image  

6/4/13 6:48 PM by FOTN

Funnily enough I was just thinking about Dan earlier today when I read this article on the BBC titled, 'How Did Stevia Become Mainstream':http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-22758059Disappointed that they didn't conclude that it was all down to Dan's one-man YouTube crusade to spread the good word.I then discovered a wiki page for the man himself which says he's actually in jail at the moment for making death threats and possessing a firearm. Apparently he goes to court tomorrow!

Kentpaul site profile image  

6/4/13 6:46 PM by Kentpaul

He has been in jail for nearly a year now

crowbar site profile image  

6/4/13 5:37 PM by crowbar

I`m gonna stick two fingers in your womens pussy ok?,and then,I`m gonna take two fingers & I`m gonna put`em right above the G-spot on top of the pubic bone,just above the stomach wall,and I`m gonna touch tits GENTLY,and I`m going to massage as I lick & suck her clit like a fucking swizzle stick flute.  

Tru site profile image  

6/4/13 2:48 PM by Tru

epic thread bump.   do you remember the video of him literally smoking weed and snorting lines as he walked out to the ring for a fight....the video was yanked down within an hour I think.  He was cornered by the really heavy guy that lost to ken shamrock and then died shortly after from a heart attack.  He beat the guy in like 30 seconds and starts screaming to the crowd "I smoked weed and eat like a pig everyday and I still look better than I did 20 years ago."