Underground Blog Guest Blogger (UBGB) Jack Brown is "The Part-Time Martial Artist," offering a full-time fan's perspective on UFC and major MMA news, developments, or hypotheticals.
In his lastest Underground Blog, he explains why this is a good weekend to have a vasectomy, and then kick back and enjoy free UFC shows on Friday AND Saturday.
By now you should know that this coming weekend offers a plethora of UFC programming. There's UFC on FX 6 on Friday and The Ultimate Fighter 16 Finale on Saturday. In order to properly enjoy these events, you'll likely need to watch many hours of DVR'd or downloaded episodes of TUF: Smashes and TUF 16 as well. For some of you young men, finding the time to watch over thirty hours of television over two days does not pose a problem. You'll just stock up on roast chicken Ramen and Ritz crackers. But for you men, age thirty and older, with a job and a wife and kids, time is at a premium. That's why this weekend is the perfect weekend to get a vasectomy, and I'm here to talk you through it.
First off, “Don’t be scared, Homie.” I’ve had a vasectomy, and it was easy. It took about ten minutes of discomfort to get a few days’ worth of “recovery.” Forget about the horror stories you’ve heard, and join us in leaving reproduction behind. Don’t worry about the future. I know that vasectomy reversals aren’t always successful, but if it’s the end of the world, and you’re charged with repopulating it, I’m sure you’ll be able to MacGyver something.
It’s been said that the first Thursday in March, when the NCAA men’s basketball tournament begins, is the most popular day of the year to get a vasectomy. So you’re going to avoid the March Madness, and find some urologist who’s sitting around bored with nothing better to do in mid-December. It’s important to get to your urologist early in the week, so that you can first go through the consultation. This is what will happen during that appointment:
You and your significant other will sit down with the doctor for consultation. The doctor will want to know that you and your lady are committed to this decision. Whatever you say, just sound certain. The doctor will also want to make clear, especially to the woman, that your gun may still be shooting live rounds for at least twenty more ejaculations. So it’s important not to roll the dice with those, but to GET IN AS MANY AS SOON AS POSSIBLE after the procedure so that you can get cleared. He will literally tell you both this, and strongly suggest that she help you with said ejaculations, and it will be amazing. Once the Q and A session is done, she’ll be dismissed and the doctor will ask you to drop your drawers so that he can get a lay of the land. If everything’s copasetic with your vas deferens, he’ll send you on your way and tell you to come back for your appointment wearing loose-fitting clothes and with your scrotum shaved.
With the consultation out of the way, you can spend your week slaving away at your job, taking care of the kids, and being the man of the house, all the while knowing that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You can also use this time to prepare your recovery room with the appropriate audio/visual equipment, comfortable furniture, and an assortment of food and beverages.
It will be the eve of the procedure. Your week’s work will be done, and you shall be “out sick” on Friday. No need to get to bed early. After all, you have a dozen TUF: Smashes episodes to watch. And they’re good. I watched them all, and the Australia vs. UK season was definitely superior to TUF 16 and most other recent seasons. You’re going to enjoy the UK’s Colin Freakshow Fletcher, for sure. And the coaches for this one, Ross Pearson and George Sotiropoulos, might actually be fighting at the finale for a change.
After you’ve eaten a light breakfast, you and your bald scrotum will arrive early for your 9:00 am appointment. You can drive yourself if you wish, but someone else will need to be there to pick you up. You’ll bring something to watch the weigh-ins and pre-fight videos on while the doctor goes to work on you. You’ll be awake for the procedure, but you won’t be able, nor want, to see what he’s doing down there. A local anesthetic will help to make it painless, but there will be some discomfort that, hopefully, is unlike anything that you’ve felt in that area before.
When the work is done, you’ll have a little hitch in your giddy-up, but you should take your time walking out to the car. No matter how good you feel, nobody else will need to know that. This will not be the time to suck it up. Feel free to moan a bit and tell your chauffeur to stop for some take-out for later on the way home. Then, once you are safely inside your recovery room, you should have a snack, a refreshing beverage, and maybe take a nap. All the while, make sure to ice your scrotum.
The prelims begin at 6:00 pm, live from Australia, on FUEL TV. Make sure you have FUEL TV. You don’t want to go to all of the trouble of getting a vasectomy and then miss a bunch of the fights. If FUEL TV isn’t an option, maybe you can get FOX Deportes and work on your Spanish. Either way there are six fights scheduled for the prelims: Penner vs. Donovan, Loughnane vs. Wilkinson, Alloway vs. Rodriguez, Pierce vs. Baczynski, and Pokrajac vs. Beltran. It’s a decent lineup with a few of the runners-up from TUF: Smashes and a few other random fights. The main card begins at 9:00 pm on FX and features four solid match-ups. It opens with Lombard vs. Palhares, and Palhares always threatens to mess up someone’s anatomy worse than that urologist messed you up. Then we get the TUF: Smashes lightweight tournament final with two UK guys, Fletcher vs. Parke. After that we get the welterweight tournament final with the UK’s Scott vs. Australia’s Whittaker. Last is the main event with the UK’s coach, and former TUF champ, Pearson moving back up to lightweight to face the Australians’ coach, and TUF veteran, Sotiropoulos.
Hopefully you’ll sleep in after a late night of watching the fights, the post-fights interviews, and the press conference. Breakfast in bed wouldn’t be out of order. You can expect your wife and your fixed-number of offspring to treat you like a King. It would be best if they bring you ample amounts of bacon to aid you in your recovery and restore your health. Sausage patties would also be okay, but links may be in poor taste at that point.
After a day of watching the sometimes boring, sometimes unintentionally funny, and sometimes totally perplexing season of TUF 16, you will want some coffee. There were definitely some good fights, but there weren’t storylines that carried through the season and kept viewers interested. At least, as Dana White said in the final episode, it seems as though the two best welterweights from the show will be fighting in the final. On the other hand, once again, the two coaches will not. And was there really no decent footage of the Diaz Brothers helping coach Team Nelson?
The prelims for the TUF 16 Finale, live from Las Vegas, should start on Facebook after 5:30 pm. The rest of the prelims will then be broadcast on FUEL TV starting at 7:00. The prelims include Elliot vs. Papazian, Cofer vs. Rio, Duran vs. Viana, Waldburger vs. Catone, Khabilov vs. Pichel, and Vinicius vs. Bedford. It’s an underwhelming lineup featuring a number of TUF veterans, but these are mostly younger fighters who should be desperate to win. The main card, starting at 9:00 on FX, will feature a number of veterans among Kyle vs. Head, Poirier vs. Brookins, Guillard vs. Varner, and Barry vs. Del Rosario. The penultimate bout will be the TUF 16 welterweight tournament final between Team Carwin’s Ricci and Team Nelson’s Smith. That will be followed by the main event, a heavyweight match-up between former TUF champ, Nelson and TUF veteran, Mitrione. Though there are no current contenders here, the fights on this main card should be some of the most entertaining of the weekend.
You will wake up late once again. However, breakfast in bed will no longer be as likely. You’ll eventually rise from your bed and notice that your scrotum hair has begun to stubble. There will be a few new items on your “honey-do list” and your wife will be analyzing your range of motion very carefully. That’s when you’ll remind her of the wise doctor’s words and how she can best be of help. She’ll roll her eyes.
It might be a tough transition back to the real world for you, and some UFC withdrawal may set in. You’ll comfort yourself by thinking about how UFC 155 is only a couple of weeks away and that maybe you won’t be too busy then since it’s a Holiday weekend.
You should also know that this might not be your last vasectomy. I have a good friend who’s first and second vasectomies did not take. For all you know, you might be special like him, and have several UFC vasectomy weekends still ahead of you.
This week’s PTMA reader shout-outs go to: @Ian_McFarland – Boston, MA, @JCLiberatore – Cleveland, OH, @loopdogg5 – Liverpool, England, @amirnoorali – Manchester, England, and @Shirubain – Montreal, Quebec, Canada
To be part of my next blog’s PTMA reader shout-outs, please follow me on Twitter and let me know where in the world you are.
Thanks for reading,
UFC on FX: Sotiropoulos vs. Pearson
December 15, 2012
Gold Coast Convention and Exhibition Centre
Airs LIVE Friday, December 14, 2012
Preliminary Card (FUEL TV 6PM ET/3PM PT)
Nick Penner vs. Cody Donovan
Brendan Loughnane vs. Mike Wilkinson
Ben Alloway vs. Manuel Rodriguez
Seth Baczynski vs. Mike Pierce
Joey Beltran vs. Igor Pokrajac
Hacran Dias vs. Chad Mendes
Main Card (FX 9PM ET/6PM PT)
Hector Lombard vs. Rousimar Palhares
Colin Fletcher vs. Norman Parke (TUF Lightweight finals)
Brad Scott vs. Robert Whittaker (TUF welterweight finals)
George Sotiropoulos vs. Ross Pearson
The Ultimate Fighter: Team Carwin vs. Team Nelson Finale
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Hard Rock Hotel and Casino
Las Vegas, Nevada
TUF 16 finale tape-delayed to the West Coast,. Airs on FX December 15th at 9 PM ET and 9 PM PT.
Main Card (FX)
Matt Mitrione vs. Roy Nelson
Colton Smith vs. Mike Ricci (TUF 16 welterweight finals)
Pat Barry vs. Shane Del Rosario
Melvin Guillard vs. Jamie Varner
Mike Pyle vs. James Head
Preliminary Card (FUEL and Facebook)
Jonathan Brookins vs. Dustin Poirier
T.J. Waldburger vs. Nick Catone
Johnny Bedford vs. Marcos Vinicius
Jared Papazian vs. Tim Elliott
Vinc Pichel vs. Rustam Khabilov
Reuben Duran vs. Hugo Viana
John Cofer vs. Mike Rio