Sonnen examines UFOs, makes case for presidency

 

Chael Sonnen is one of the most colorful athletes to ever fight in the Octagon and it earned him a job in the FOX broadcast booth. Recently FOX Sports asked Sonnen to write an article 'about whatever he wanted' and this is what they got:

The idea of UFOs as metallic ships sent to Earth, piloted by intelligent, flesh-and-blood beings, is not only not supported by the historical documentary evidence, but it also makes absolutely no sense whatsoever based upon their behavior patterns.

They fly all the way here, over astonishingly vast distances, occupying EONS of time, and all they do when they get here is violate the... umm...."privacy" of a few hack science-fiction writers or conniving lumberjacks?

And the whole business of the "aliens" having some kind of secret, sweetheart, "handshake deal" with the Government bigwigs, that allows them access to as much booty as they can probe, and supplies them with a huge, rent-free, utilities-included underground lair like Goldfinger had in that James Bond movie, to hold up in between forays out into the night, for more below-the-waist scientific "experiments" on the unsuspecting and unwilling subjects? Well, if they are advanced enough to GET here, either through time (a LOOOONG time), or interdimensionally (extremely unlikely, but still more probable), then they don't NEED Uncle Sam's permission to do ANYTHING, thank you ever so much.

And the level of abductee-related experimentation is so crude as to be laughable if it wasn't so vile; how many asses do they really need to probe? And why are they so hung up on the ass? You never hear about them examining anybody's ears, or nostrils, or hands. It's always the ass.

What cable channels are they getting in outer space, anyway? Even a species as comparatively backward and crude as our own can find out virtually everything we need to know about a lion's ass by catching and tranquilizing a half-dozen lions. We also have the technology to make said examination painless, and completely unavailable to the lion as an experience or a recovered memory, with drugs we invented, and have been using, for decades.

Are we to assume the aliens are smart enough to get here, but too dense to realize that, after assembling a comprehensive database (at great risk of discovery) of human asses, that they all work pretty much the same way, and that you can synthesize drugs that make your presence in and around those asses completely unknown to the subject of your fin de siècle, morbid, depraved, hijinks, the owners of those over-examined, alien-plundered, asses?

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Recent Comments »

The Winter Soldier site profile image  

1/9/14 5:33 AM by The Winter Soldier

I've traveled many miles for some ass.

DanTheWolfman site profile image  

1/9/14 4:29 AM by DanTheWolfman

Only Pirates are Butt Pirates! Also, I think I will take the Canadian Sec Def word over his, and tons of high ranking military officials in the U.S. and Russia.

kalt site profile image  

1/9/14 3:31 AM by kalt

Also, you can learn everything about a creature by studying its ass. That's just common knowledge.

kalt site profile image  

1/9/14 3:25 AM by kalt

Wait, is this the same Chael Sonnen who said he believed in Bigfoot on Joe Rogan's show?Methinks it is.Not saying either one is real but how can you believe in sasquatch living out in the woods in Oregon but not in UFOs? There's far more evidence of UFOs (as a phenomenon, not necessarily as alien craft piloted by extraterrestrial life forms). In fact there's absolutely zero evidence of bigfoot.And no, chael wasn't kidding about it on Joe's show.

Purgey site profile image  

1/9/14 3:21 AM by Purgey

I don't care what it takes I WILL go balls deep in some ET ass.

GSDbestbreed site profile image  

1/9/14 3:17 AM by GSDbestbreed

*They fly all the way here, over astonishingly vast distances, occupying EONS of time, and all they do when they get here is violate the... umm...."privacy" of a few hack science-fiction writers or conniving lumberjacks?And a former UFC WW champion...

Il Duce site profile image  

1/9/14 3:08 AM by Il Duce

Witty and clever man.

theseanster site profile image  

1/8/14 11:52 PM by theseanster

PRONG! If human beings ever figure out a way to travel at the speed of light with infinite mass we will no doubt be travelling half way across the galaxy to search the final frontier: extraterrestrial rectum.

John M site profile image  

1/8/14 11:51 PM by John M

wtf lol

GodSaveTheReem site profile image  

1/8/14 11:43 PM by GodSaveTheReem

really, who hasn't plundered a few too many asses?