Pulver: I’ll stop when I’m dead

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

“I’m on this journey. I’m trying to beat the demons inside of me. Trust me, nobody is more negative than me, about me. Nobody says a negative comment that I haven’t already said to myself a thousand times, at least.”

If anything, Pulver’s self-awareness is striking, a side effect of spending so much time lost in thought. As middle age bears down on him, “Lil’ Evil” shows no hesitation talking out his struggles. In fact, he often jumps at the occasion. His honesty is a rarity in a sport governed by testosterone, but as time goes on, too often for his liking is it mistaken for delusion. “People say, when are you going to stop? Well, I guess when I’m dead,” Pulver asserts defiantly.

“When are you going to stop battling inside your mind? I don’t know, when there’s a magical switch and I can hit the button, and say, ‘Awwww,’ and then I’m good. Maybe then I’ll grow up, walk away, and not even be near this sport. If I could I’d be out gardening all day, or be a chef, or who knows. But this is the only thing I knew. I think it’s really hard to get people to understand, ‘why do you do it, Jens?’ I do it because when I say it’s all I know, it’s all I know to combat all the negatives that are inside me. It’s the only thing I can do to battle what’s inside of me. It’s what gets me up everyday, it’s what makes me fight myself. The ability to go out there and train and do what I’ve known since I was a kid. It’s what got me through all the child abuse, all the dysfunction, all the negative.

“It’s hard to explain to people out there who don’t understand it,” Pulver exhales with a mixture of reluctance and indifference. “But at the same token, I don’t try to force them to understand it, because I don’t understand the way that they think either.”

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