When We Were Bouncers: Paul Cheng

Monday, December 16, 2013

Actor/stuntman/fighter Paul “The Mauler” Lazenby has an awesome new Facebook page – When We Were Bouncers. Every Monday he presents a crazy new story from former security personnel who went on to become became actors, fighters, comedians, pro wrestlers, stuntmen and other standouts in their chosen fields.

He recently sat down with ONE FC’s first Chinese heavyweight, the 6’3”, 275 lb. former Canadian Football League player Paul “Typhoon” Cheng.

Cheng relates a interesting evening in Coquitlam, BC with JCVD.

I STARTED BOUNCING IN 2000 while I was still in college. I was one of the original guys at The Foggy Dew. Chris Burns [Grey Cup-winning offensive lineman] was the manager at the time. I bounced around between there and a couple of other places until 2002, when I got drafted in the CFL as a defensive tackle — first round, sixth pick overall. That sounds good, but in hindsight it was kind of a crappy situation because I ended up stuck behind three ten-year vets, all of them CFL all-stars. I knew that the plan was for me to succeed them but I couldn’t handle it, I didn’t have the patience to wait for them to start dying off. I kept thinking, “I was a star in college! Why am I sitting on the bench?” So I played only seven games and ended up being a first-round bust. It was pathetic.

After that I returned to bouncing, and ended up at an after-hours place in downtown Vancouver called Gorgomish.

One night just as the sun was coming up and I was close to the end of my shift, I scanned the room and saw a guy who looked familiar. I looked a little closer and yup, it was Jean-Claude Van Damme, and he was F—ED out of his mind! You could see with a single glance that he was all wired out of his face, and he came up and asked me if I could find somebody who could hook him up with some… whatever, you know. It wasn’t a surprise because I’d heard a lot of things about him being into that kind of stuff, but I ain’t anybody’s dealer so I told him he had to find it on his own.

A few minutes later, he looked at me and motioned for me to come into the bathroom with him. I thought he was calling me because there was a problem in there, but when I followed him in I could see that he found what he was looking for and was inviting me to do some. I politely told him no, but then he started getting really weird — like, all touchy-feely — and I’m thinking, “I gotta get the f— out of here.”

For the rest of my shift, he was chasing me around the place and trying to give me his number. He kept looking me up and down and saying, “We need to do ‘Bloodsport 2’! You can be the bad guy, you make Bolo look like a little child!” I was just laughing, you know? Thinking, “This guy’s too f—ed up, I gotta get the f— away from him.” I’d heard a lot of stories about him and squirrels up his ass or whatever, so I was like, “See you later.” The last thing I needed was to wake up in a hotel room somewhere with this guy doing whatever he might be into!

LATER I MOVED ON TO a really rough place called Daddy-O’s. One night there was this dirty, dirty little white girl sitting up on one of the dance risers with her miniskirt hiked up, just sitting there and playing with her box in front of everybody. It wasn’t a pretty sight — in fact it was f—ing disgusting because on a scale of one to ten she was MAYBE a “drunk six”. Like, if you had ten beer you might say, “I’ll just take it home and deal with it”. A ten-beer kind of situation.

Then I saw this group of hot little Asian girls, I didn’t even see where they came from — suddenly they just appeared, walking across the dance floor. And just as they walked past the skanky chick — PAP! PAP! PAP! — five or six bottles came raining down onto that broad’s head! And then chairs, it was insane! Normally, you’d think [the Asian chicks would yell], “Oh, you skank” and stuff like that, but these girls didn’t say nothing. They just went straight to massacring that chick!

The skank had blood all running down her face, and I was scrambling around trying to chase the Asian chicks away but it was like trying to control a bunch of cats. I mean, what are you supposed to do? With guys, you can just clock ‘em, but girls… you stop ‘em, take their bottle away and say, “Stay here!” and they just go, “NO!” and run off to get another one.

The slutty chick’s face was a mess, cut wide open, and I wanted to help her but, you know, I also didn’t want to touch the blood of a dirty-ass skank who’s been showing her box all over the place. Me and the other bouncers managed to hold off the Asian chicks until the ambulance arrived, and I think the skank ended up being okay. But I was paranoid for a month after about how maybe that dirty chick’s blood might have splashed on me.

AFTER ALL THOSE YEARS OF BOUNCING, MMA is something I had no trouble adapting to at all.

Check out www.facebook.com/FamousBouncers for more stories and Renzo Gracie (bouncing in a brothel at 15), Pat Miletich (crazier still – this one involves a pitchfork), and many more.