Is this the greatest MMA story of all time?

Friday, March 17, 2017

Women’s mixed martial arts pioneer Julie Kedzie appeared recently on The Joe Rogan Experience and told one of the great MMA stories of all time. It has fighting, Vladmir Putin, Jean-Claude Van Damme, and poop.

“I have a history of s****ing myself a lot,” said Kedzie, as transcribed by Darragh Murphy for Ireland’s Sports Joe. “I don’t know if you know that.”

It was April 14, 2007 in St. Petersburg, Russia. The event was BodogFight: Clash of the Nations and the opponent was Julia Berezikova. It was the first time she had Greg Jackson in her corner.

“That fight, the first thing she does right away … the first thing she does is punch me in the nose which just shatters my nose,” said Kedzie. “Blood everywhere. And I was like ‘Great, this again!’

“It was right after the Carano fight so I was used to losing. You never want to get in that space of being used to losing but somehow I clicked and I did pretty well in the fight. I ended up getting a mounted triangle on her and finishing with strikes.”

Beating a Russian in Russia via cool move with Greg Jackson in your corner is a cool story, but there’s much more.

“In between rounds, another cornerman put cold water on the back of my neck and I thought that I just farted,” she said. “I thought it was a fart but… it turns out… and this poor girl [lost by] mounted triangle no less.”

This picture now takes on a special cast – AAAAAAA GET IT OFF OF ME. But there’s much more.

“They grab us and put us on this bus,” said Kedzie. “I’m still in my fight clothes and still have my gloves on. They just put us on a bus and separate me and Amanda Buckner from our cornermen and everything because we had won our fights.

“They take us to this palace and I cannot remember whose palace it was… Alexander something. It was in St. Petersburg and it was beautiful – gold damask and silk. I’m in fight clothes!

“And I’m like ‘what is that smell?'”

“I had seen a guy puking backstage because of a headshot and I thought I must have rolled in it or stepped in it. I smelled so bad!

“Fedor was there, Jean-Claude Van Damme, this and that. It was just weird and surreal and I already had head trauma going on so wasn’t really in my right mind.

“It was so weird to be smelling myself and be like ‘oh god, I stepped in puke. I’m sorry Mr. Van Damme that I smell so bad.’

“It was bad! I remember being on the bus and looking around asking, ‘Does anyone have any perfume or anything?’ and other people were allowed to shower but I was the swing bout so I was right after Fedor. They just put me on the bus and didn’t tell me where I was going.”

“I end up going to the restroom and there’s just s*** caked all over. Everywhere!

“And I’m like ‘How did I s*** myself?’ It must have been in between rounds. It was disgusting.

“There’s no trash can! It’s all silk and gold in this beautiful palace so I just take my panties off and roll them up and shove them behind the toilet.

“It was a black lace thong, Vladimir Putin. That was mine and I want it back. Actually I don’t want it back. That’s gross. It was 10 years ago.”

“So then I have to go back out there and Silvio Berlusoni was hitting on me and trying to pick me up. He was like, ‘Hey, can I be your boyfriend tonight?’ but he’s saying it through a translator. And I’m like ‘I SMELL LIKE S***!’ I was as cleaned up as I could be but I was like ‘you are a dirty motherf***er!’

“And Putin comes and puts his arm around me and I’m like ‘this is weird as hell!’

“I s*** myself in front of foreign dignitaries in another country. And that’s probably my favorite MMA story.”

Ours too.

Kedzie now serves as an analyst and matchmaker for Invicta FC and is working on her Masters degree in creative non-fiction writing.

Follow Julie Kedzie on Twitter…