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3/27/07 5:23 PM
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The Sultan
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Edited: 27-Mar-07
Member Since: 09/12/2006
Posts: 5402
 
For the super-critical...Tell me what you think. The Axis Of Dollars The hatred grows the way a poor man knows with evil eyes watching my soul The world rotates on an axis of dollars turning brothers against brothers and mothers against daughters The walls of our cities leak superficiality with every person being a potential commodity. The hatred that i try to summarize is the hatred of you and I, it is the hatred of society's lies. Watch yourself because the hatred grows. The hatred is like battery acid completely drastic burning you like 5 million demons and their masters. And the Dreams that i await force me to contemplate for sanity`s sake if i should sleep or stay awake.
3/28/07 5:28 PM
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kot1k
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Edited: 28-Mar-07
Member Since: 03/15/2002
Posts: 1548
What do you think of this as a counterargument to your poem? "So you think that money is the root of all evil?" said Francisco d'Aconia. "Have you ever asked what is the root of money? Money is a tool of exchange, which can't exist unless there are goods produced and men able to produce them. Money is the material shape of the principle that men who wish to deal with one another must deal by trade and give value for value. Money is not the tool of the moochers, who claim your product by tears, or of the looters, who take it from you by force. Money is made possible only by the men who produce. Is this what you consider evil? "When you accept money in payment for your effort, you do so only on the conviction that you will exchange it for the product of the effort of others. It is not the moochers or the looters who give value to money. Not an ocean of tears nor all the guns in the world can transform those pieces of paper in your wallet into the bread you will need to survive tomorrow. Those pieces of paper, which should have been gold, are a token of honor ? your claim upon the energy of the men who produce. Your wallet is your statement of hope that somewhere in the world around you there are men who will not default on that moral principle which is the root of money. Is this what you consider evil? "Have you ever looked for the root of production? Take a look at an electric generator and dare tell yourself that it was created by the muscular effort of unthinking brutes. Try to grow a seed of wheat without the knowledge left to you by men who had to discover it for the first time. Try to obtain your food by means of nothing but physical motions ? and you'll learn that man's mind is the root of all the goods produced and of all the wealth that has ever existed on earth. "But you say that money is made by the strong at the expense of the weak? What strength do you mean? It is not the strength of guns or muscles. Wealth is the product of man's capacity to think. Then is money made by the man who invents a motor at the expense of those who did not invent it? Is money made by the intelligent at the expense of the fools? By the able at the expense of the incompetent? By the ambitious at the expense of the lazy? Money is made ? before it can be looted or mooched ? made by the effort of every honest man, each to the extent of his ability. An honest man is one who knows that he can't consume more than he has produced.
3/28/07 7:22 PM
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The Sultan
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Edited: 28-Mar-07
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Posts: 5465
"Try to obtain your food by means of nothing but physical motions ? and you'll learn that man's mind is the root of all the goods produced and of all the wealth that has ever existed on earth." Great quote. It's not really a counter-argument however. I'm not stating that "money" is the root of all evil. My poem is my anger towards the lop-sided rules in society and the false dream that we have been sold as individuals of our society. It does have to do with money, partially, but is not the focal point of the poem.
3/28/07 9:55 PM
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kot1k
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Edited: 28-Mar-07
Member Since: 03/15/2002
Posts: 1550
I like the poem Sultan. I'm not a fan of the style, but that's a general thing, but I like the content.
3/28/07 11:17 PM
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The Sultan
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Edited: 28-Mar-07
Member Since: 09/12/2006
Posts: 5466
It reads weird to those who don't know how it is supposed to be read, but that's more my fault. If I read it, you would see how it was written. Thank you for your comments though.
4/2/07 12:08 PM
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RGoodfellow
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Edited: 03-Apr-07 09:50 AM
Member Since: 07/03/2002
Posts: 6040
Over all I'm not a fan of this poem. In general, it seems more like a spoken word piece, which could be my problem. I don't mind listening to some spoken word, but I don't generally care for reading it. It doesn't translate well to the written page, IMO. General question: what poets do you read or do you enjoy? Don't take offense to any of my comments below. I'm just trying to give some blunt constructive criticism. I'm a fan of anyone who is interested in writing poetry--keep working at it, even my favorite poets have written poems that I think suck. Comments in parentheses... The Axis Of Dollars (interesting title The hatred grows the way a poor man knows (this is unclear--are you saying that it's the way a poor man knows with evil eyes watching your soul? What? Also, are you saying the poor man's eyes are evil? Doesn't seem to mesh with the rest of the poem... as I said--unclear.) (Also why the grows/knows rhyme? Seems like if the words are placed that close together it should be reinforcing some important idea or adding some layer, but I don't think that's the case. It comes off as a little comic.) with evil eyes watching my soul The world rotates on an axis of dollars (good image) turning brothers against brothers and mothers against daughters (the bro vs bro, mom vs. daughter thing is rather cliche.) The walls of our cities leak superficiality (not a bad line, but is there something concrete that you could use to represent superficiality? It would give the image a little more punch--something like the poisonous botox that people inject just to look beautiful... give your audience something tangible to attach your ideas to.) with every person being a potential commodity. (Seems like a good marxist thought--the machinery of capitalism is oiled with the blood of the workers and whatnot...) The hatred that i try to summarize is the hatred of you and I, it is the hatred of society's lies. (these three lines don't do much for me, but I think that they have a good rhythm and sound when spoken out loud). Watch yourself because the hatred grows. The hatred is like battery acid completely drastic ("completely drastic" is lame. Battery acid is completely drastic? What does that even mean? And why use 'completely' to modify 'drastic'? That's not adding anything worthwhile--sounds like a 14 year old girl talking. Aslo, 'drastic' seems like a poor word to describe battery acid... maybe "caustic"?) burning you like 5 million demons and their masters. (Why 5 million? Does it have any significance? Use similes and metaphors purposefully. Why not something like "like 8,843,678,484,512.24 demons and their money hungry masters" -- that's the national debt, by the way: connect your poem to the real world) And the Dreams that i await (why capitalize Dreams?) force me to contemplate for sanity`s sake if i should sleep or stay awake. (not a bad ending, but the "should I sleep or stay awake" idea verges on the edge of cliche for me...).
4/2/07 1:05 PM
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The Sultan
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Edited: 02-Apr-07
Member Since: 09/12/2006
Posts: 5646
Thank you for your comments. I'll investigate further and give you answers to some of your questions. The poem itself was writtent to be read a loud with music.
4/3/07 9:50 AM
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RGoodfellow
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Edited: 03-Apr-07
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Posts: 6041
"The poem itself was writtent to be read aloud with music." That makes more sense. Like I said, the poem seems to be one that needs to be heard rather than read. When read it falls flat, when spoken it sounds much better (possibly because it's harder to critically analyze something that is spoken).
4/3/07 11:17 AM
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The Sultan
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Edited: 03-Apr-07
Member Since: 09/12/2006
Posts: 5680
Coffee house = correct. It wasn't designed to be a rap. It was written to a genre of music called "down-tempo" (ever heard of it before?) It's smooth, mellow and jazz-like. If I read it, I think you guys would like it a little bit more. There are pauses that went with the song. Prolonged and extended words, etc. I was looking for some criticism on the content and areas where I can improve on delivery. Thank you for taking your time to read and commenting on it. I really appreciate it. I have others that read better than this one.
4/9/07 4:13 PM
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Ted Bennett
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Edited: 09-Apr-07
Member Since: 01/01/2001
Posts: 6133

"So you think that money is the root of all evil?" said Francisco d'Aconia.

IIRC, this is one of those commonly misquoted quotes - the *true* version is "Love of money is the root of all evil."


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