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4/3/08 10:14 PM
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Crazy Zimmerman
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Edited: Apr 4 2008 12:00A
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If you got a short story post it here.

Here's  a link to my story.

 

Business is War: The True Story of the UFC's Acquistion of Pride.

 

 

4/5/08 7:48 AM
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Willybone
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Edited: Apr 5 2008 12:00A
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I laughed. I cried.

You've got a few genuine LOL lines in there and the constant tone of ludicrity kept me at a steady chuckle output. I think the second action scene is genius.

My only critique would be the first action scene was (the only section that was) chuckle-free for me. I think it would be funny in video form, but it reads seriously despite the actions being en extremo.

Anyway, I'm baked at 8 in the morning on a Saturday, and this was perfect for that exact moment.

 

I have short stories on www.myspace.com/willybone . I put one of them here, too.

http://www.mixedmartialarts.com/mma.cfm?go=forum.posts&thread=1148681&forum=190&forumPage=2

 

4/6/08 8:46 AM
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Crazy Zimmerman
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Edited: Apr 6 2008 12:00A
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Willy, man that's some brilliant criticism! I fully agree with it. It's funny, because the first action scene was written totally straight. I had no intention of trying to make it funny. In fact I've always found it difficult to get humor into my longer stuff, such as short stories. So I'm glad that most of this story was funny. The humor came out of the events themselves, rather than be forced into the story.

When I wrote it, I had no idea it would be as funny as it was. I did not do any outlining, and the story just kept writing itself. I lol'd at the Kilahari tribesman part.

But after re-reading it based on what you said, I can totally see your point. In the first action scene I was going for Stephen Hunter type violence, but now that I think about it, I could have put some butt scooting and other stuff instead of all the gunplay. I am going to rewrite that scene.

Thanks for the critique, broseph!!

I'll check out your story today.
4/7/08 11:26 AM
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Crazy Zimmerman
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Edited: Apr 7 2008 12:00A
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Willy, the story you posted, I found it a little inacessable to me. I had trouble following it, but I am not a smart man as Forrest Gump would say.

I did enjoy They Called Me Mad from your mypsace page. LOL @ motor vehicle part.
4/8/08 8:53 AM
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deepu
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Edited: Apr 8 2008 12:00A
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for later
4/8/08 9:57 AM
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Willybone
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Edited: Apr 8 2008 12:00A
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  I found it a little inacessable to me.

Yah. The assignment was to "do something in the style of Clockwork Orange". So, I went near future and made up lots of words.

Thanks for reading them. I'm glad you liked my mad scientist.

 

 

4/8/08 10:44 AM
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Crazy Zimmerman
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Edited: Apr 8 2008 12:00A
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The Zombo line was a good lol.
4/8/08 10:45 AM
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Crazy Zimmerman
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Edited: Apr 8 2008 12:00A
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BTW, I didn't make it all the way through Clockwork Orange either. So I guess Ulysses is out of the question lol
4/23/08 2:20 PM
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Guerrero
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Edited: Apr 23 2008 12:00A
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I have a Superhero themed story I've been working on. I have it posted on my mma.tv blog.

Nice story, CZ. I definately got a good laugh out of it. I didn't mind that the first action scene was a straight scene; it gives it a dark humor feel (Think, Fargo) and it allows you to be surprised by the turn the second action scene takes by not hinting at what to expect.

And damn, your character gets more Hollywood tail than Wilmer Valderama.
4/24/08 10:09 AM
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Crazy Zimmerman
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Edited: Apr 24 2008 12:00A
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Hey Guerrero, I appreciate that bro.  I toyed with the idea of changing that first scene, but I'll think I'll leave it as is.  These critiques have been  very useful to me as I mull over my next story. 

And about the Hollywood tail, I believe that writers should "write what they know" so....

4/24/08 12:08 PM
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Guerrero
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Edited: Apr 24 2008 12:00A
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"And about the Hollywood tail, I believe that writers should "write what they know" so...."

You see, that's the problem I have with the story; it's supposed to be fiction, not an autobiography. =^)

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