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UnderGround Forums >> ATTN Tito!!! FUTA1! RED ALERT!!!!

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9/3/09 6:54 PM
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RickStorm
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Wake up 2jups...... Your'e losing sight on what this mission is about

WAKE UP MAN!!!!

9/3/09 6:58 PM
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Squared Circle
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Shame about the circumstances surrounding Teto's demise in that mysterious explosion.  And you were all so darn close. :-(

I trust you'll all be at the funeral.  There isn't much to inter, as only a single tooth was found.  

They say it is the size of a human fist.
 
9/3/09 7:39 PM
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bktwothree
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2JupitersTooMany - *carrier pigeon settles into thread emptyhanded, glances about nervously, and then darts westward like a solar flare*


In its wake:

A single feather.


Written on the feather, in thin lines of crusted blood:

"SOS. Col OH. HH attic. U Tito. 2J"



A mystery.


*Casually strolling down Broad Street, in Columbus...whistling Hang On Sloopy*

Damn pigeons just crapped on fresh car wash. That's a strange looking barren pigeon. Oh well, back to the salt mines...
9/3/09 8:02 PM
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Cheggers
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Red squirrell, this is fat mallard, come in red squirrel.

Today was a bad day. My whole squad, decimated. The rabbit pie, chomped.

I'm afraid to say...

I'm afraid to say the enemy knew.

They KNEW our position.

Gentlemen,

we have an informant.

My obsevations indicate that...

...what the...

*distant gutteral roar of some unspeakable beast*

my god what IS THAT...that abomination...oh lord forgive them...what have they created...

I must depart into the Forrest before 'it' gets to camp

...protect futa the almighty, the redeemer and the holy toast.

smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast.

#message ends#
9/4/09 12:16 PM
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2JupitersTooMany
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I have walked thirty-six kilometers. And swam ten more. Then, I clutched the underside of a Coach Limousine for most of the remainder, before trundling into a government culvert adjacent to an Air National Guard base in Fort Wayne, Indiana.

I have never felt more alive.


It began as a standard return from Mosul. After a brief tack to Egypt, I bounded from Morocco to Amsterdam, and then directly to Chicago, only slowing briefly for boom and receptacle fueling mid-air.

Just 5000 feet above the wispy grasses of Pine Hill Golf Course in suburban Lancaster, the sounds of machine gunned popcorn emitted forward of the cargo hold. Pop, Pop, Pop. Then the sharp TING of structural support rupturing. TING, TING, TING. Church bells and bass drums.

The crew was dead, as were the controls. The dead-winged cylinder dropped with a show of leaden pyrotechnics.

Calm, I worked escape options and related statistics. Initially, I calculated my chances of survival at 87.6%, given my altitude and lack of a parachute. But then, my ordered thoughts eruped into struggling darkness. There was a taste of cloth and fumes. I was overcome by some attacker who had hidden in the hold. And my consciousness followed in tow.


I awoke in an attic, dust cascading from the peaked roof like arid raindrops. I was lashed to a hospital bed, full of clamps and tubes and bandages and puncture wounds, bound to its metal frame by four-point medical restraints. My mouth was stuffed with sickly gauze, soaked with the remnants of gruel, spilled down my unconscious throat and then returned again by my half-conscious stomach.

I calmly awoke, and calculated my chances of escape at 74%, given my complete unfamiliarity with the larger surroundings.

And then, I heard this: a young woman, probably 17 to 19 years old, speaking of renowned light artist James Turrell. Her voice was slightly modulated, affected by some sort of mounted speaker system.

And the key: the tone of her voice dropped slightly as it passed, indicating the speed of her movement to be approximately 20 miles per hour. The Doppler Effect. My old friend.
Naturally, I concluded that she was the guide of a tour bus at the Franklin Park Conservatory in Columbus Ohio, known for its permanent installation of Turrell's work.

My recalculated odds of escape: 100%.


I worked out of my restraints though a sweating, thirty-minute masterpiece of joint manipulation. I placed the gauze on the window sill, attracting three progressively famished pigeons. I marked the two with still-wet blood from my punctured femoral artery. The last, I marked with remnants of gruel, wrung from the dampened cloth.

Imagine the rest. It was dull and uneventful. Naturally, it involved a bit of monotony concerning the tongues and bowels of my captors. One must never miss an opportunity to leave a message.

Before I took his tongue, the twelfth captor turned on filthy mole and cunning propagandist Squared Circle.

About him: I want eight of his organs on separate cooled helicopters to Baltimore within 72 hours. And I want the rest of him alive in Las Vegas in 96 hours. I want him to watch through his remaining eye as his healthy parts are sewn into injured soldiers. He'll do eight good things before he dies. Eight more than he's ever done.

I will be with you soon.

Until Tito.

-2Jupes
9/4/09 12:19 PM
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2JupitersTooMany
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Interesting note:

I CANNOT get the song "Hang on Sloopy" out of my head.
9/4/09 1:19 PM
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MountainMedic
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now neither can i.

thanks jupes
9/4/09 2:12 PM
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Squared Circle
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You were all missed at Teeto's funeral. 

Pity poor Dana White, who delivered such a stirring eulogy to so few ears.  It was truly a touching and heartfelt lamentation, devoid of all but three f-bombs; heard only by the flowers, the trees, a softball-sized tooth in a tiny casket, and a mysterious figure in black. 

While I regret that Titro is no more, having died in that inexplicable explosion as he so clearly did, I have already overcome my grief and begun the healing process.  There are certain things that comfort me at this very moment: the knowledge that Tado is in a better place, this Victorian leather chair, the warm brandy swirling in my left hand, the luger twirling in my right, my knowledge of ninjutsu, and the three hulking bodyguards, traned in UFC, standing at my back.

I cackle my delight even now... for Tieto.
9/4/09 2:14 PM
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2JupitersTooMany
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Ah.

I see that my foil is here.

En garde.

Until we meet.
9/4/09 2:17 PM
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Zedlepln
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Do not fret. The counter-espionage ploy went like clockwork. Hammerhouse thinks FUTA1 is out of the picture.

Moving on to stage 2.

9/4/09 2:24 PM
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2JupitersTooMany
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And SOMEONE GET CHEGGERS SOME COVERING FIRE.

I don't like the sounds of the audio he's been relaying.
9/4/09 3:13 PM
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mmalady
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pure gold fellas...thanks :)

ttt for Tito
9/4/09 3:53 PM
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2JupitersTooMany
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*BULLETIN*

All reports of the demise of Tito's self, wherever it was at, are greatly exaggerated. Continue efforts to locate Tito's self.

*BULLETIN*
9/4/09 4:18 PM
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Zedlepln
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Broadsword calling Danny Boy
Broadsword calling Danny Boy

Code name FUTA1 to appear at UFC 103 Q&A. Recommend sending covert operative Tom O'Bedlam, who can use a variety of screen aliases to slip past Hammerhouse scouts.

<< End transmission >>
9/4/09 4:23 PM
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2JupitersTooMany
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Edited: 09/04/09 4:24 PM
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Zedlepln, I'm breaking into your transmission.

Brilliant.
Tom O'Bedlam is our best stealth agent. 
I want him on the job.
If this mission succeeds, Zed, I'll have you promoted. 
My word is as good as Punishment Athletics T-Shirt - Gold 707 ($27.95).
  
9/4/09 4:54 PM
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BROCKP4PNO1
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2JupitersTooMany - And SOMEONE GET CHEGGERS SOME COVERING FIRE.

I don't like the sounds of the audio he's been relaying.
Private BROCKP4PNO1 reporting for duty!

I'm happy to announce that I've managed to procure a bag of cheese-flavored Tortilla chips and no less than 10 ounces of fine, dark chocolate. With such ample supply of field rations I should finally be able to assist Cheggers to the best of my capabilities.

I must admit Cheggers' disturbing front line reports are gnawing on my mind though. Is it already too late? Is the opposition too overwhelming to overcome? And perhaps most important of all, what exactly is the nature of these demonoid beasts described as 'fecal roid monkeys'? Are we talking about monkey gholems made out of dried feces instead of clay, or are we talking about regular monkeys hurling their bloodied up roid-stools in the general direction of their assailants? Most worrying. In either case, I feel this will have an undue effect towards the enjoyment of my field rations. Cheggers, fear not though, I will soldier on and I promise I won't rest before I've made contact with you at the front lines. At that point, I'll probably need a good 10-hour nap, but I certainly won't rest before that, such is my dedication!

Until Tito

9/4/09 4:58 PM
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2JupitersTooMany
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BROCKP4PNO1,

I've never met a programmer who couldn't bake a satisfying muffin.

I need an officer capable of field nourishment operations. Specifically, I'm looking for careful research in how to compose the perfect country breakfast. I have reason to believe that the benefits are overwhelming, and that the only drawbacks are the occasional proclivity for underaged women.
9/4/09 5:06 PM
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2JupitersTooMany
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But by all means, throw yourself into battle for the time being. During downtime, when return fire is modest to light, perhaps you could just MULL OVER the matter. I'm thinking that eggs are probably integral, and perhaps some toast.
9/4/09 5:14 PM
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BROCKP4PNO1
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2JupitersTooMany - BROCKP4PNO1,

I've never met a programmer who couldn't bake a satisfying muffin.

That may or may not be related to the fact that I've never met a programmer who couldn't be satisfied by a muffin.
I need an officer capable of field nourishment operations. Specifically, I'm looking for careful research in how to compose the perfect country breakfast. I have reason to believe that the benefits are overwhelming, and that the only drawbacks are the occasional proclivity for underaged women.

  Yes sirreee-ah! I will commence planning and preparations ASAP. I have not yet experienced the drawback of which you speak, as I often find myself thinking "oh man, I'd tap that in a time-it-will-take-tito-to-kill-mark-coleman-second if it was legal / socially acceptable". Personally, I find that to be a great bone, uh, boon.
9/4/09 5:14 PM
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2JupitersTooMany
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I was just reminiscing about Tom O'Bedlam and what a ridiculous GAMBLER he is. His name is perpetually changing. One can never be sure what alias he'll go by. What's his name now, for instance? I've got zero intelligence on the matter. He's an enigma.

I'm remembering that incident with ol' General Spears and that hullabaloo about the horse and the longest drive competition. DAMN that man.

*shakes head and grins out of the side of a tight-lipped mouth*

I like a man that gambles. But let's hope that his gambling is calculated on this mission. I'd hate to get embroiled in any unnecessary hijinks and such.
9/4/09 5:19 PM
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BROCKP4PNO1
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2JupitersTooMany - But by all means, throw yourself into battle for the time being. During downtime, when return fire is modest to light, perhaps you could just MULL OVER the matter. I'm thinking that eggs are probably integral, and perhaps some toast.
You're on the right path, but ah, eggs and toast, while indeed important components for any respectably composed breakfast, aren't integral parts. The integral parts are: Bacon!
 
9/4/09 5:25 PM
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BROCKP4PNO1
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Edited: 09/04/09 5:25 PM
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As a morale-boosting aside: I actually found myself shedding a genuine tear watching Tito beating that kid at UFC Undisputed and putting on a good show. Tito is good people (I can tell these things, trust me.)
9/4/09 5:29 PM
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2JupitersTooMany
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And now, I'm off for a weekend Summit in Geneva. lookoutawhale will direct operations.

Godspeed, and Until Tito.

-2Jupes
                   

Mark Coleman Nick Name: The Antidote Record: 26 - 0
Association:Hammer House  Height: 6'1" (186cm) Weight: 205lbs (112kg) Birth Date: 1964-12-20
City: Columbus Country: USA

9/5/09 3:05 AM
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Squared Circle
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Win

Tito Ortiz

Forfeit(Mysterious Explosion)

UFC 106 - Coleman vs Ortiz

11/21/2009

1

0:00

Win

Stephan Bonnar

Decision (Unanimous)

UFC 100 - Lesnar vs. Mir 2

7/11/2009

3

5:00

Win

Mauricio Rua

Decision (Unanimous)

UFC 93 - Franklin vs. Henderson

1/17/2009

3

5:00

Win

Fedor Emelianenko

DQ (Illegal Hold)

PRIDE 32 - The Real Deal

10/21/2006

2

1:15

Win

Mauricio Rua

TKO (Bar Arm)

PRIDE 31 - Dreamers

2/26/2006

1

0:49

9/5/09 3:05 AM
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Squared Circle
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Win

Milco Voorn

Submission (Arm-Triangle Choke)

Bushido Europe - Rotterdam Rumble

10/9/2005

1

0:56

Win

Mirko Filipovic

DQ (Illegal Punches)

PRIDE 29 - Fists Of Fire

2/20/2005

1

3:40

Win

Fedor Emelianenko

DQ (Illegal Hold)

PRIDE - Total Elimination 2004

4/25/2004

1

2:11

Win

Don Frye

Decision (Unanimous)

PRIDE 26 - Bad to the Bone

6/8/2003

3

5:00

Win

Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira

DQ (Illegal Hold)

PRIDE 16 - Beasts From The East

9/24/2001

1

6:10

Win

Allan Goes

TKO (Knees)

PRIDE 13 - Collision Course

3/25/2001

1

1:19

Win

Igor Vovchanchyn

Submission (Knees)

PRIDE Grand Prix 2000 - Finals

5/1/2000

2

3:09


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