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12/26/09 10:51 PM
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Kirik
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Edited: 12/28/09 2:16 PM
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Mixed Martial Arts LLC, President
 

Last year I was in Atlanta when a NAGA ref came up with a competitor’s card and asked that he be called to ring five. I took it, read it, and announced carefully over the PA “Dewmian Depupah to ring five, Dewmian Depeupah from B-B-Q B-J-J to ring five immediately.” It was only over a beer that night that I was told how cleanly I'd been pranked.

But nothing prepared me for last Saturday in Ft Worth, TX.

It is common that with a hundred or hundreds of divisions, sometimes an advanced division only has one entrant; when possible, NAGA refs step in to give the lone guy a match. So I was not surprised when NAGA founder Kipp Kollar came up and said “Hey there is a guy who needs a match, will you take it?”
“Sure, how soon?”
“Oh, whenever it is good for you.”
“Cool, give me like ten minutes.”
“Thanks … I have to tell you though, he is big.”
“How big like 290?”
“Nooooooooooo, he is not 290. He is under 300 pounds.”
“Oh, okay, cool, sure, ten minutes.”

On seeing that written, I should have known what was coming. I will plead busyness, but suspect weak mindedness.

I finish what I was doing, rue the refreshing ginger beers at PF Changs the night before, drink a bottle of water, pick up shorts and cup from the apparel booth, borrow a mouthpiece (yuck), loosen up, do a few level changes, and walk to the mat. But I had cotton mouth, and was breathing too rapidly so I stammer something about having to warm up some more, and scuttle back to the warm up mats. In a few more minutes I am ready to end this as quickly as possible.

Kipp says something over the PA, a crowd gathers, and this guy, smiling, takes his jacket off. “OH MY FUCKING GOD” I blurt out loud enough for the crowd to laugh and the gathered Texan parents to doubtless  wish I would get back right quick to Massachusetts or Cuba or whatever unmannered corner of the USA I hail from.

I grew up in Africa and as kids we used to tell a story about how Idi Amin got irate at one of his wives and he cut off her arms and legs, and then sewed her arms where her legs were, and her legs where her arms were. That was this guy, his arms were like legs, but bigger.

Found out later, DD Nichols weighed in that morning at 297, has a lifetime max bench over 700 pounds, deadlift over 800, runs an MMA school in  Bintin, Arkansas called Crush Kill Destroy, and enjoys long walks on the beach. But that moment, the arms looked way stronger than that, and shredded.

Jiu-Jitsu is famously an art where size, shape, physical condition, race, age, or gender do not matter. Only the precisely timed and focused application of leverage and technique are paramount.

What strategy did David determine when faced with the fearsome Goliath? What maneuver did Leonidas decide upon up at Thermopylae against that tall guy who looked a little suspect? What tactic did Tom Arnold devise against Roseanne Barr? I am pretty sure the answer to all three is the guillotine, or at least that is what I wanted to try.

So we tied up and I pummeled pretty carefully and pretty fast and pretty keep his big self away from me, and then, finally, his head dipped. I snatched around his neck, and thought “I got this.” it was about over.

It was then I learned a novel defense to the guillotine. If you are upside down, your grip kind of unscrews like a cap off a bottle. That combined with the fact that I was now upside down, and a man’s height off the ground led me to say to me “Oh I gotta let go .” DD was kind, and neither accelerated my fall nor landed on me in the manner of the steamroller on top of the "cry baby" in that Foster's beer commercial. Instead I momentarily slipped the surly bonds of Earth, until I wasn''t and hit the surly mats. I determined pretty quick nothing was broke, and let the ref know it was a good takedown, not an illegal slam.

I edited a volume called 1001 Submissions, but DD helpfully introduced me to a new one - The Accordian. He grabbed some lower part of me, then  the head part of me, and then endeavored to introduce them. My neck was popping pretty uncomfortably, but I finally got a little leverage, then a little half guard, and finally reached for a body lock to begin to advance my position. My arms wouldn’t reach around his torso.

Then he grabbed an arm, and key locked it. Kipp’s son Dylan says ‘gub’ instead of ‘good’ and from Dyl I acquired the sometimes annoying habit of saying ‘gub’ a lot. “Oh this is not gub” I thought. I grabbed my shorts and wondered if the shorts were going to rip off (I was not letting go of the shorts).
“Hey, he is holding onto his shorts!” said DD.
“Yah DQ me I'm not letting go though” I thought.

Holding shorts to avoid a submission is legal so the match continued. I wish this story had a happy ending, but you don't know who is going to win, which is why you have the contest.

It played out, with DD moving my arm various ways it didn’t want to go, and me getting them to marginally less miserable contortions, while trying to rock him a little, breathe a little, and other necessities. This is us at the winners stand. Well, DD anyway; I wasn't at any winners stand.

Losing sucks; it is what losers do. I wish I had won. I want to win a rematch.

Losing can be inspirational. I delermined to go home and work on some stuff to take the next one.

Then I got the flu and spent all Christmas eve and day home alone shaking under the covers with two sweat shirts on, and not even inept robbers trying to break in to enliven the day.

But in the end, it is a little story, and what is this life but a series of stories?

If anyone has stories about losing to strong guys, being hit by a train, annihilative collisions with interstellar comets, that kind of thing, post them below. You will have my empathy.
 



 

 

    
12/27/09 1:32 AM
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samonoske
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 TTT, I hate wrestling stocky dudes that are like a ball of muscle.
12/27/09 1:37 AM
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BIGWHITESEXY
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DAMN THAT DUDE IS HUGE.  LIKE A HUMAN GORILLA.

12/27/09 1:38 AM
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TSGIGOR
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 TTT
12/27/09 1:44 AM
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Fightin_Chance
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 Holy shit man


12/27/09 1:47 AM
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Shaz
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 Jeez Kirik, you couldn't beat that little guy?  I'm disappointed.

-Shaz! 
12/27/09 1:49 AM
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Houseboy23
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about how tall/much do you weigh?
12/27/09 1:59 AM
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LukeCranson
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hey Kirik, much respect to you ... that is a hell of a size difference and good on you for getting out there and bringing the fight to him. Inspirational indeed ... you could have said "no way"
12/27/09 2:18 AM
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White347LX
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Steve W -  Kirik goes about 8'9 675



And shoots fire from his arse.

True story.
12/27/09 2:21 AM
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HYBRID JON
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 Wait??? you lost to a guy with red hair??? Besides that, someone should have called the cops for the abuse he was putting his sleeves though...
12/27/09 2:27 AM
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HYBRID JON
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 Where the fuck was Joe Cuff with the pepper spray???
12/27/09 3:01 AM
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Faxon
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 When I was 16 and weighed 60 kg I started training BJJ. I clearly remember one rolling session where some huge freak of nature mounted me and pinned me down with his body weight. Unfortunately my mouth had been open when he decided to pancake me and before I knew it my tongue was glued to the PRIDE FC tattoo on his sweaty, hairy, stinky ass left pectoral, his weight holding my jaws open and there wasn't anything I could do about it. I couldn't bite down if I wanted to. But being 16 I was worried he would think I was a little bitch if I tapped out to that, so I just took it until the rolling timer went off to find a new partner. All in all 2 minutes of hell. I felt violated. No can describe my complete and utter revulsion and horror. When the timer went off I shook his hand then promptly bolted to the toilet to wash my mouth and gag for the rest of the lesson.
12/27/09 3:02 AM
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Fightin_Chance
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 hey the pic disappeared!

12/27/09 3:05 AM
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HYBRID JON
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 I can still see the pic...
Plus Faxons description of events sounds alot like the scene in "Along Came Poll
y" when the hairy shirtlees guy slimed all over Ben Stillers face...
12/27/09 3:08 AM
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Crazy Zimmerman
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 Size does matter.  Major props for hanging in there with that monster.  Holy shit.
12/27/09 3:34 AM
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ThEUniT
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Kipp at Naga Vegas lost to a huge guy as well. No shame in losing to a monster.
12/27/09 4:59 AM
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The Destroyer88
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HYBRID JON -  Besides that, someone should have called the cops for the abuse he was putting his sleeves though...



lol....my thoughts exactly. VTFU!

The power of the UG compels you!(in the rematch)
12/27/09 6:19 AM
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<:(((><
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Congrats on coming in 2nd!
12/27/09 7:17 AM
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big fatso
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Good for you for putting up a valiant effort! That dude looks like a god-damned monster.

Personally, I would probably destroy both of you due to my tremendous skills.
12/27/09 7:38 AM
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buvaiser
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aren't you like 47? not bad for an old man :)
12/27/09 8:27 AM
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mendelson
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 My brother and I did not grow up together because of the wonderful man that fathered us. We spent some summers together when we were kids, but I lived in FL, and my brother, Los Angeles. As a result of my father being an imbecile, my brother and I were out of touch for about 12 years. When I was 16, and he was 25, he showed up at my high school one day. 

For those of you that don't know about my brother, he is about 6 feet tall, and weight about 350 pounds of ripped muscle. At this time, he had already broken the Guinness record as well as various powerlifting world records. At the time, I was about 5'8", and 135 pounds. I could almost bench press 225. We went to dinner that night, just me and him, and he told me he wanted me to spend the summer with him in CA so we could be brothers instead of strangers. Of course, I agreed.

About a week after I got to his house, his friend Paul, an average LA moron showed up and we went across the street to Johnny Rockets for dinner. Upon returning to the house, Paul was making fun of me, and trying to punk me. At the time, I was a pretty good high school wrestler, and I thought, 'I can beat this guys ass'. I took down Paul in the hallway, and worked to mount. I unloaded about 4 shots to his face, and then my perspective on life was drastically altered. My brother, in an attempt to break us up, grabbed me by my shoulder and flung me off of Paul.

Much like in a cartoon, I left a person shaped hole in the wall when I passed through it into the next room. This was an old house, mind you, and the walls were not sheet rock. They were lath board, chicken wire, and plaster. On both sides. I was in an unfortunate car accident in college that was at about 45 miles an hour, and it did not feel like the kind of impact that being put through that wall did. At the hospital after flying through the wall, they told me that I was a lucky kid to have been in a car accident like that (my brothers' cover story to the docs, which I am sure NONE of them believed because I had plaster shards in my back) and have no injuries more serious than a concussion... silly me, I should have been quick enough to cover my head....

Anyway, I know my brother did not intentionally hurt me. That experience was my first lesson on the simple fact that no matter how tough or good you think you are, there are some people that are not bound by the laws of normal human beings. My brother happens to be one of them. It wasn't until about 6 years later that I got my revenge, but that involved a sneak attack and some pretty decent jiu-jitsu training. Oh, and even though I think I won, it still hurt worse than anything I have experienced in combat sports since.  

My brothers website is www.scotmendelson.com if anyone cares enough to see the size of that monster. I am glad he is on my side.

-mendelson

12/27/09 8:50 AM
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Empire
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about 7 years ago...

me: 200lbs. blue

him: 300+ and a wrestler in college.

he gets me in guillotine and suspends me in air w/ it. i didn't have time fast enough to tap in time so luckily i was able to put my foot on his knee and pull on his head to keep from snapping my neck.

luckily he wasn't a prick and figured it out.
12/27/09 9:02 AM
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torquemada
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My God, the belt looks like a training bra on a fat girl...

This ginger could've killed you, Kirik...
12/27/09 9:21 AM
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Kneeblock
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 Great stories.  Mendelson, your bro is jacked!
12/27/09 9:28 AM
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Kirik
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Edited: 12/28/09 11:32 AM
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Mixed Martial Arts LLC, President
mendelson -  My brother and I did not grow up together because of the wonderful man that fathered us. We spent some summers together when we were kids, but I lived in FL, and my brother, Los Angeles. As a result of my father being an imbecile, my brother and I were out of touch for about 12 years. When I was 16, and he was 25, he showed up at my high school one day. 

For those of you that don't know about my brother, he is about 6 feet tall, and weight about 350 pounds of ripped muscle. At this time, he had already broken the Guinness record as well as various powerlifting world records. At the time, I was about 5'8", and 135 pounds. I could almost bench press 225. We went to dinner that night, just me and him, and he told me he wanted me to spend the summer with him in CA so we could be brothers instead of strangers. Of course, I agreed.

About a week after I got to his house, his friend Paul, an average LA moron showed up and we went across the street to Johnny Rockets for dinner. Upon returning to the house, Paul was making fun of me, and trying to punk me. At the time, I was a pretty good high school wrestler, and I thought, 'I can beat this guys ass'. I took down Paul in the hallway, and worked to mount. I unloaded about 4 shots to his face, and then my perspective on life was drastically altered. My brother, in an attempt to break us up, grabbed me by my shoulder and flung me off of Paul.

Much like in a cartoon, I left a person shaped hole in the wall when I passed through it into the next room. This was an old house, mind you, and the walls were not sheet rock. They were lath board, chicken wire, and plaster. On both sides. I was in an unfortunate car accident in college that was at about 45 miles an hour, and it did not feel like the kind of impact that being put through that wall did. At the hospital after flying through the wall, they told me that I was a lucky kid to have been in a car accident like that (my brothers' cover story to the docs, which I am sure NONE of them believed because I had plaster shards in my back) and have no injuries more serious than a concussion... silly me, I should have been quick enough to cover my head....

Anyway, I know my brother did not intentionally hurt me. That experience was my first lesson on the simple fact that no matter how tough or good you think you are, there are some people that are not bound by the laws of normal human beings. My brother happens to be one of them. It wasn't until about 6 years later that I got my revenge, but that involved a sneak attack and some pretty decent jiu-jitsu training. Oh, and even though I think I won, it still hurt worse than anything I have experienced in combat sports since.  
My brothers website is www.scotmendelson.com if anyone cares enough to see the size of that monster. I am glad he is on my side.

-mendelson

 Great story! I bench about 225, same as you in hs :-)

Your brother is a legend. Over 1,000 pound bench.

Tell him I think his url expired, too? And please tell him we all really liked him in Cloverfield, and wondered if he was doing a sequel?

Houseboy23 - about how tall/much do you weigh?

 6' 3" or a little over, 205 or a little under. Guns are about 20" (together :-)
  

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