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UnderGround Forums >> Dan Quinn tops Cracked list of Craziest Athletes!


12/3/10 9:13 AM
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Chill__Owl
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http://www.cracked.com/blog/7-athletes-who-had-more-crazy-than-talent_p2

Congrats to our boy Dan Quinn. I hope he's doing well these days, sincerely.
12/3/10 9:18 AM
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Chill__Owl
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#1.
Dan Quinn - Football, MMA

 

Dan Quinn staged his own personal war against drugs and lost. In his hundreds of batshit crazy YouTube rants, he brags about a tackle he made at Notre Dame: the greatest stop in college football history. I don't want to say he's overselling it, but when he finally shows the tape, he's one of 11 people jumping on the fullback. If they made a movie about it, Dan's character would be named "Football Player in Pile." Dan Quinn's Hall of Fame moment sounds like the caterer for Braveheart claiming he won the Oscar for Best Picture.

After single-handedly conquering collegiate football, Dan went on to an unsuccessful career as a mixed martial artist. The head wounds from that, plus the methamphetamines, have left him with only one thing: stevia. Stevia is a type of sweetener that Dan Quinn uses to maintain his ordinary but very shirtless physique. It turns water into soapy water through a process Dan calls "cold fission." None of it makes any sense. The only thing I'm sure of is that Dan used the last of his money to invest in some bizarre artificial sweetener pyramid scheme. Also, Dan Quinn's artificial sweetener brought his mom's cat back from the dead and he called her a bitch for not appreciating it.

For me, the special moments in his videos is when he stops to address only the ladies. I'm not sure if I was supposed to be listening, but Dan has a lovemaking technique that involves jabbing you just above your g-spot by the pubic bone and stomach wall with two fingers and then performing something that sounds like cunnilingus but more disgusting. He describes the female vagina like a fifth century gynecologist with Tourette's Syndrome. Yet somehow, isolated in his mother's guest room, he invented the idea of engaging two erogenous zones at the same time. Sexually speaking, that's not unlike Leonardo da Vinci conceptualizing the helicopter far from the era where it was possible to build one.

In more than one video, Dan claims that this generous technique brought Chris and Karen to orgasm once a minute for over two hours. He never explains who Chris and Karen are, but they've got to be real. Otherwise, why would they have common first names? Dan probably just thinks we know them. "Oh, Karen Karen!? Yeah, that girl goes crazy when you scoop out her pubic bone with two fingers! Last week her jaw seized and now she has to eat by rubbing soup on her teeth!"

Most women are looking for a man who's such a giving lover that he's literally offering it to anyone on the Internet. Luckily, Dan always ends his monologues about vaginas with an invitation to wrap yours around his probing fingers. Strangely, he never says what he's looking for in a woman. If I had to guess, I'd say he's on the kind of dry spell that has him asking petting zoo employees what kind of security they have at night.

12/3/10 9:22 AM
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sly fox
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 hahhahhaha awesome!
12/3/10 9:55 AM
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Chill__Owl
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ttt
12/3/10 10:00 AM
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Nostradumbass
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Great post. Dan tried to score with my wife once a long time ago before he achieved his legendary Internet status. The shit she told me that he said was hilarious. Dan is good for the sport. And humanity. Phone Post
12/3/10 10:01 AM
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ortman166
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Lol what a weirdo...A close friend of mine pulled a Carwin on this fool a few years back. Gassed out beating the fuck Out of him.(30 clean unanswered punches) only to get tapped out. Phone Post
12/3/10 10:10 AM
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Sagiv Lapkin
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 Just ask Peachie the Cat.
12/3/10 10:20 AM
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keepthechange
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Does sean baby lurk or post here ?
12/3/10 10:23 AM
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TapouT24
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lol
12/3/10 11:02 AM
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Mako_
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"Eat by rubbing soup on her teeth"


Damn.. lol.
12/3/10 11:06 AM
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orbit
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That's some witty writing right there. Great read
12/3/10 1:01 PM
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Garganimal
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On the related links from the same guy, the "A Book Of Insults Just For the UFC" is pretty hysterical.

Poor Kos...getting worked over more than Dan Quinn, Tanya Harding, and Datsik combined.
12/3/10 1:10 PM
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Kirik
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Mixed Martial Arts LLC, President
 Beating out Datsik AND Tonya Harding is pretty impressive ...
12/3/10 1:17 PM
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Bukkake
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If he ran in 2012 I'd vote for him Phone Post
12/3/10 4:13 PM
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solidsnake
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In the end, Dan is a gift to have around with his batshit crazy material and hyjinks.
12/3/10 6:06 PM
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MMMMCLENCHEDFIST
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That's gangsta they used the 86 fleer basketball set for Quinns card....
12/3/10 8:20 PM
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fightsfan
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Is there any prooof about QUINN using meth is is that just an assumption based on the fact that he looks like a tweaker and his jaw is clinched a lot and he rambles somewhat incoherently at times.
12/3/10 8:30 PM
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Doem
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i feel bad for the dude. he is pretty wrecked.
probably a pretty serious mood disorder going on.
12/3/10 11:03 PM
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Chill__Owl
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bump
12/4/10 1:47 AM
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AnthonyMMA
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Ya.....Rae Carruth actually killed somebody......
12/4/10 2:06 AM
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Lord Kancho
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the hockey player was the craziest one, imo
12/4/10 3:43 AM
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molsonmuscle360
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I love some of Seanbaby's MMA related articles...His one on the life of Fujita's head is fantastic.
12/4/10 4:54 AM
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ferox13
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Datsik should have won IMO!!!
12/4/10 9:08 AM
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Big Baby Jesus
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Dan has in various video's admitted that he used meth. If I remember correctly he and his wife were both addicted to meth.
6/4/13 2:13 PM
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knuckleballs
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An underrated classic, dawg.

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