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What if ... >> Occupy What If forum


3/4/13 10:05 PM
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WoodenPupa
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And eyelids, but curtains for the organs of sight?

*waves hand outward to the swamp borders of What If*

3/4/13 10:23 PM
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The Wizzle
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I call my legs getaway sticks
3/5/13 1:29 AM
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lookoutawhale
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pants are just pieces of cloth with 2 openings.

If you put your arms through a pair of pants, would not those very same pair of pants now be called a shirt?

3/6/13 2:00 PM
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lookoutawhale
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Calo has returned to the what if! his rightful home.

the SPCA for humans.

3/8/13 1:37 PM
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WoodenPupa
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superCalo - 

when one can once again be what if, he knows that was not is just not the same.


Welcome back Calo. Perhaps you'll make a thread detailing the ordeal of your imprisonment in the snow-filled Mexi-Somalian canyons? I'm eager to learn from your book of pain whilst smoking a fine cigar and sporting the latest in turtleneck intellectual sweater pants and Handy/Khaddafi scarf out here in a trendy WIF ditch.
3/8/13 2:02 PM
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WoodenPupa
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I would like to plan a dinner party to celebrate the return of the humblest, dishwashing, slapfighting, side check kicking cobb shucker of all times, to this forum.

Dinner time will be tomorrow, sharp. Emails will be sent in highest ornate Latin to the What If town fax machine, bolted to the center of Mane street.

No strict dress code but make it classy. I plan on:

Tungsten moon boots, white Styrofoam football helmet, marbled wet smoked ham cape, 1 " thick poetry operators gloves, monocle and bow tie, and stern Vulcan uplifted eye of ironic serieuxness.

I'll be arriving by Hydraulic unicycle sporting leathern side burns to symbolize my love of freedom.

Y'all may invite one guest. Please RSVP to the fax sent to the town fax machine addressed to you, describe your formal wear, and who your personal guest is.
3/8/13 2:02 PM
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WoodenPupa
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A 1 Km diameter bronze gong is being flown in to announce the arrival of SuperCalo. It will be dolloped once to announce his arrival, and then once more to announce the person. This is how they did it back in the belly of space in your eye, where shit spirals backward until you get to Stockton. Or fuckin...whatever. Yeah, I'll do it.
3/8/13 2:18 PM
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WoodenPupa
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I would like to announce the "If...Then" Forum, in honor of this spatial occasion.

It works thus. IF Supercalo is exiled, THEN he is welcomed back by formal dinner party, with the appropriate stylings and thanksgivings, or misgivings if you have them (if they're all you have...give them, brotha).

FYI, Calo, your schedule looks like this:

4:00 am: pick lettuce, shuck corn and milk cows for dinner

6:00 am: pick some more, shuck a-more, and milk again

8:00 am: 5 minute break

8:05 am: teach Sunday school via Skype to troubled Stockton youth

10:00 am: arrange for delivery of luxurious appetizers from France, Atlantis, etc. Coordinate suppliers from around the world in multiple languages. Live your connectivity. Become a catchphrase and think upside the box.

Noon: arrange for live entertainment. Something top notch, or plan on playing your Flamenco Ukulele Banjo and scorching to roof off with full on Analusian Duende.

1 pm: 10 minute break
3/8/13 2:30 PM
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WoodenPupa
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1:10 pm: back to the fields. Pick fruits and meats as needed. Meet trees will be flown in and planted so you can pick the choicest steaks; and fruits will be flown in and randomly tossed for gathering in shoddy little wooden containers.

3:00 pm: continue food prep.

5:00 finalize venue equipment, tables, chairs, etc. Draw up a seating arrangement to perfectly represent the order to egos and respect of various posters; coordinate with posters' various agents to this end.

7:00: MC the event, introduce various celebrities from this thread, loosen up the crowd, or any stool, preferably with 1 Hz Ukelele notes.

8:00: Rush back stage and help set up the 1 Km diameter bronze gong. Introduce yourself, rush back stage, then walk through the curtain to huge sitting ovation. Give a nice speech of appreciation, use that country Latin flair, no-nonsense clever Somalian aphorisms and whatnot, but move things along.

8:30: switch costumes, become a high class waiter, serve drinks and begin taking orders.

9:00: cook the food, get 'er well done, serve those plates.

10:00 sit down and relax, have a plate of spam cubelets, enjoy yourself, you're among friends again brotha!!
3/8/13 2:36 PM
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WoodenPupa
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Let's make sure we make Calo feel backwardly warmed, guys. I mean welcome backed. Make him feel backed into this, the way foreigners do.

Don't forget your RSVP details, including formal wear and personal guest.
3/9/13 2:43 AM
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Team GDP
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how wooden pupa is only at +30 blows my mind

3/9/13 2:52 AM
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MountainMedic
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What if my dog wasn't dying & I didn't have to take the long walk tomorrow?

That would be awesome


ATTN: Kirik- Please delete cancer. Phone Post
3/9/13 5:35 AM
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WoodenPupa
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Now that is a kind sentiment GDP, and we're all friend here.
3/9/13 5:38 AM
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WoodenPupa
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MountainMedic -  What if my dog wasn't dying & I didn't have to take the long walk tomorrow?

That would be awesome


ATTN: Kirik- Please delete cancer. Phone Post

Sorry to hear, man. My sincere condolences.

I support the If Cancer, Then Delete button man and doggy-kind.
3/10/13 12:35 PM
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frederic
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3/10/13 10:06 PM
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lookoutawhale
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MountainMedic -  What if my dog wasn't dying & I didn't have to take the long walk tomorrow?

That would be awesome


ATTN: Kirik- Please delete cancer. Phone Post

hang in there fellow what if citizen. We are here for ya

 

http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m1076eyipw1r3zat8.gif

3/10/13 10:09 PM
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lookoutawhale
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superCalo - 
Team GDP - 

how wooden pupa is only at +30 blows my mind


I believe is a gypsy so even if I vote him up I feel to compelled to vote him down twice in retaliation.

 


i have voted him up one again to create an equilibrium to your gypsy hating ways!

I know gypsy dishwashers that lived in an RV going from province to province cleaning dishes and pets just to make ends meet only to be voted down by the fellow dish-drying community. contrary to popular beliefe Dish-washers and dish-dryers have been in a constant war since the stone age when the first plates were made of rock.

3/10/13 10:22 PM
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WoodenPupa
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No big deal about the dinner par-tay, Calo, but in fact it would be ungypsy-like for you to have made it anyway. The elaborate set-up w/precise schedule was in fact a set-up for the entire affair to be preemptively slept through, or sleep-walked through, around, and/or beyond.

But I must enact my own revenge, being that rivers of red gypsy death course through my branches (I've got 6 month vein-sprawl training btw).

Anyway, here is the revenge, my favorite gypsy lyrics ever, as relayed by Lorca:

You will knock at my door.

I will never get up to answer,

and you must hear me cry.

(!!)
3/10/13 10:30 PM
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WoodenPupa
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I do have a beta-max videotape copy of the dinner however, so you can at least watch some highlights. A great deal of poetry was recited, and Steven Segal was the special guest of Double Honor. The World Alliance of Competitive Zen Meditators was on hand to present Steve with some lifetime achievement awards, which I'll summarize in a bit.

So rock back, inhale deeply with a hard-working smile and kick your feet off. Put those stubs up and enjoy the highlights from the sidelines (you might begin to feel sunlight rhymes in your arms with many years, or so it was predicted in an Andalusian trailer park centuries ago).
3/10/13 10:33 PM
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WoodenPupa
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Oh yes, and please accept this deluxe Roller Skate Necklace Helmet in honor of your coming back. Worth $38 in a pinch if this price guide is right.
3/10/13 10:38 PM
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WoodenPupa
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*Jiggly camera shot shows Steven Segal sauntering up to makeshift stage, head held high*

*Sensei taps microphone, winces unpleasant micro-smile with crowfeet upon Jabba flesh mountain face*

"Hello and thank you. I left a note-to-self for myself the other day on the fridge saying, 'I'm better than you.' "

*laughter from cafeteria chairs*

*Commotion on stage erupts as Competitive Zen Monks remind Steven he was to be introduced by them before his speech*
3/10/13 10:46 PM
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WoodenPupa
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*After much hassle and minor Aikidoing the giant Segal fends off the monk swarm, winning them over as to the issue of introducing himself. As a compromise Steven agrees to speak in the third person, from the point of view of monks in awe of him.*
3/10/13 10:46 PM
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WoodenPupa
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Edited: 03/10/13 10:47 PM
Member Since: 7/24/02
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"Ahem"

*stands before microphone bearing wistful, yet amused, pleased yet offended smile*
3/10/13 10:52 PM
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WoodenPupa
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"Thank you. And now I would like to run through Sensei Segal's accomplishments, just to give you a sense of what the man has accomplished. Since we could not convince him to speak of these things himself, we the Competitive Monks of Zen have chosen to speak on behalf of himself, to let us know how we feel about ourselves, in the best manner."
3/10/13 10:54 PM
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WoodenPupa
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*clears throat, unfurls 30 foot scroll*

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