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3/10/13 11:00 PM
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WoodenPupa
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"Sensei Segal's accomplishments and attributes, in order of chaos:

-100% Perfect Score on Liquidity Zen Archer Test, 1976

-Current World #1 Ranked Grandmaster of Tenderness

-Became invisible at the age of 12, as a reward by a very impressed Universe

-Perfect Zen Winner since Infinity

-Scientifically Proven to be Absolutely Best at Zen

-Cannot be Out-Zenned or Meditationally Defeated Cup Award, 1978
3/10/13 11:03 PM
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WoodenPupa
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-Bronze Medal, Invincible Meditator Invitational, Milan 1979

-Current World Champion of Lotus Calm, Open Weight Class

-Nonplussed Reaction Champion, Beijing Non-Reactor's Cup 2012

-Superior to everybody else by a million magnitudes at Calmly Understanding the Universe
3/10/13 11:05 PM
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WoodenPupa
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-Current USA Speed Meditation Champion

-World Record Holder in Flowing with Whatever Goes

-Japan's most Highly Decorated Master of Infinitely Impossible Attainments in Beautiful Mysticism
3/10/13 11:11 PM
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WoodenPupa
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-Current World #1 Ranked Yoga Demonstrator, WAZM Cup

-Current World #1 Ranked Virtuous Being, WAZM Cup

-7 time European Champion of Self-Neglecting Happiness

-Current World Champion of Utmost Honesty and Profound Innocence

-Voted Most Awesome Badass in Japan who Cares Not For Himself, Royal Monks Society Challenge, London 2010
3/10/13 11:14 PM
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WoodenPupa
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-Voted Most Incredible Person of Humility, WAZM Cup Milan 2008

-Most Skillful Thinker of Riddles, Royal Monks Tokyo Zen Open, 2012

-Voted Most Least Egotistical Jealous Hater in all of the Orient, Royal Monks, Paris 2009
3/10/13 11:20 PM
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WoodenPupa
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-Current World #1 Ranked Hegelian Dialectician, Brazil's Top Monks, Curitiba 2010

-Lifetime Golden Award, Society of Celebrators, New York 1985

-Only Man in History to ever lecture and publicly embarrass Chuck Norris (and wasn't even trying to do so)
3/10/13 11:25 PM
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WoodenPupa
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-Voted Indispensable Japanese National Treasure, by an informal group of TMA badasses gathered for dinner one night, Los Angeles 1996

-Computer Validated Most Efficient Paradox Contemplator, World Mystery Open, Los Angeles 2011

-World #1 Ranked Speed-Bliss Monk, Beijing Blitz Invitational 2013
3/10/13 11:28 PM
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WoodenPupa
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-Fastest Path to Enlightenment ever recorded, Certified Holy and Blissful at age 12, recognized as mentally and spiritually perfectly humble before puberty even began

-Voted Most Outrageously Humble Martial Artist, informal lunch with some TMA badasses, LA 1994

-Best Gong Dolloper, Softness Challenge, Tokyo 1977
3/10/13 11:33 PM
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WoodenPupa
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-Quietest, Most Stern, Utmostly Calm and Supremely Just Contemplator and Efficient Meditator I Have Ever Enountered (from Buddha's private diary)

-World Acknowledged Teacher of All Teachers, Highest Master of Perfection and Best Lecturer of the Wise

-Whitest, Most Flowing Shaolin Beard Ever, Which Shall be Stroked When Contemplating Paradoxes

-Inventor of Lung Poetry

-Most Miraculous Flute Performer and Composer, David Carradine Memorial Open, 2012

-Most Outstanding Gratifier of Bitches Greedy For Endless Orgasms, Tokyo Closed, 1999
3/10/13 11:38 PM
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WoodenPupa
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-Tenderest Dominator of Jealous Rivals Ever Known to Aikido

-Softest Riddle Maker in Shaolin History

-Father to All Flowers

-Voted Best Cosmic Keeper of Beauty, Embarrasser of Satan and Other Wrong Bandits, Good Times Shit-Shooting Championships, Los Angeles 2013
3/10/13 11:40 PM
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KevinMcAllister
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Sorry WoodenPupa, but

 

3/10/13 11:41 PM
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WoodenPupa
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*squeezes fictionally Italian fat eyes of Asian majesty into Jabba slits, contemptuously drops scroll to stage for Zen Monks to pick up*

Uh, so...thanks."

*huge applause, Kim Il Jong-level tears of joy erupt as Steven saunters off stage escorted by much smaller body guards*
3/10/13 11:44 PM
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WoodenPupa
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What IF everybody did have time though!!
3/10/13 11:46 PM
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WoodenPupa
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And now, the 1 Km diameter bronze gong shall be dolloped in honor of the return of Calo! He could not be here tonight, but his presence we feel burning in the air like wisdom and leather!
3/10/13 11:47 PM
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WoodenPupa
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*presses stop on Betamax VCR*
3/10/13 11:50 PM
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KevinMcAllister
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WoodenPupa - What IF everybody did have time though!!

3/11/13 12:33 AM
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WoodenPupa
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That's some 3 Hz gong resonance right there, and it's coming from a huge face in space!! (how does that guy even live; it reminds me of that tiger too, that precious white one with the caption asking what are you doing there tiger, you can't live in space)
3/11/13 12:34 AM
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WoodenPupa
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Quick question, I'm told that Nick Diaz stopped by the dinner party, does anybody have a transcript of his speech?

I was busy washing dishes and shit.
3/11/13 12:40 AM
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WoodenPupa
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Got new respect for dishwashing as a profession, I'll tell you that much.

Segal kind of came off as a dick I guess, but it's hard to judge a 7th Dan on anything. Maybe it was a psy-ops thing? He does have the shady history.

The monks were weird too though. With the low turnout, their presence was even weirder. For those curious, I performed all of Calo's scripted duties and learned a lot with smoke and ideas rushing through the frequency air. My forearms learned about scrubbing and I half-listened to the tiny b/w 1974 Chinese restaurant kitchen TV.

I figured more What Iffers would have showed up but that fuckin' fax machine was shit anyway, I think it came off the original shipment back on page 9 or whatever with Uriah Faber.
3/11/13 12:45 AM
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KevinMcAllister
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Edited: 03/11/13 12:45 AM
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WoodenPupa - Quick question, I'm told that Nick Diaz stopped by the dinner party, does anybody have a transcript of his speech?

I was busy washing dishes and shit.

 

"Alright then. I guess I'm supposed to give a speech here for this dinner pageant that we got goin' on. It's like, nobody notified me about it in advance you know? I'm out here doin my thing, and y'all are just up here pamperin' yourselves and havin dinner and shit. I get a call it's like quarter to 4, what am I supposed to think? I'm over here, you know? You know what it's fuckin' like out here? Callin' me at quarter to 4 to come to dinner and I'm like fuck it, I'm hungry anyway. So I'm on my way and this woman, this soccer mom drivin' a fuckin Kia, she looks at me and she's like "I hope you NEVER make it to dinner!" So I'm like fuck this, here it is, 10 to 4, I'm hungry and trying to go get some dinner here, you guys are pamperin' your shit up. Probably drinkin' fancy wines and shit like they do in Quebec, you know? I'm just tryin' to get there and forget about this bullshit, try to get my own pamperin' going."

 

 

"I come in the door, some fuckin' guy tries to take my coat and I'm like bitch, I brought my coat for a reason I don't need you takin' it on me and tryin' to put it in some fuckin' fancy room. I don't need to be pampered, you know? Where I come from, we just don't really do that....and then I ordered my food and they bring it out on this big fancy plate like it's some kinda fuckin'...you know? I put a bit of salt on my broccoli and the chef comes up and he says..sir, the broccoli is already perfectly seasoned. I'm like...what motherfucker? I tried a taste of this shit and it's tastin' like you scraped it off the floor. So here I am.."

 

*chef comes in with dessert*

3/11/13 12:50 AM
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WoodenPupa
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!! LOL. This speech while random monks are smoking joints in the crowd and texting. PA system feedback w/wind blowing tablecloth on huge stretch of cafeteria tables.
3/11/13 12:57 AM
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MountainMedic
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KevinMcAllister -
WoodenPupa - Quick question, I'm told that Nick Diaz stopped by the dinner party, does anybody have a transcript of his speech?

I was busy washing dishes and shit.

 

"Alright then. I guess I'm supposed to give a speech here for this dinner pageant that we got goin' on. It's like, nobody notified me about it in advance you know? I'm out here doin my thing, and y'all are just up here pamperin' yourselves and havin dinner and shit. I get a call it's like quarter to 4, what am I supposed to think? I'm over here, you know? You know what it's fuckin' like out here? Callin' me at quarter to 4 to come to dinner and I'm like fuck it, I'm hungry anyway. So I'm on my way and this woman, this soccer mom drivin' a fuckin Kia, she looks at me and she's like "I hope you NEVER make it to dinner!" So I'm like fuck this, here it is, 10 to 4, I'm hungry and trying to go get some dinner here, you guys are pamperin' your shit up. Probably drinkin' fancy wines and shit like they do in Quebec, you know? I'm just tryin' to get there and forget about this bullshit, try to get my own pamperin' going."

 

 

"I come in the door, some fuckin' guy tries to take my coat and I'm like bitch, I brought my coat for a reason I don't need you takin' it on me and tryin' to put it in some fuckin' fancy room. I don't need to be pampered, you know? Where I come from, we just don't really do that....and then I ordered my food and they bring it out on this big fancy plate like it's some kinda fuckin'...you know? I put a bit of salt on my broccoli and the chef comes up and he says..sir, the broccoli is already perfectly seasoned. I'm like...what motherfucker? I tried a taste of this shit and it's tastin' like you scraped it off the floor. So here I am.."

 

*chef comes in with dessert*

Fuck a slow clap, ima stand on a chair & make some noise for this!

*remembers im not supposed to care about anything*

Meh


*looks away...... knocks over calo's purple drank..... smiled* Phone Post
3/11/13 1:45 AM
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WoodenPupa
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I also heard that a local MMA-ignoramus news station approached Nick Diaz after his speech asking him a bunch of rude questions, "trying to stir shit up and shit."

*COUGH* Does anybody have a transcript of that?
3/11/13 1:48 AM
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WoodenPupa
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Lookin' for fuckin', transcripts and shit
3/11/13 1:49 AM
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WoodenPupa
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LOL at "dinner pageant" btw

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