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3/11/13 1:50 AM
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WoodenPupa
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Buncha assholes runnin' around in tin foil diapers actin' all spacey like they're in charge and shit
3/11/13 2:00 AM
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WoodenPupa
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"I heard fuckin', Kenny Rogers is teachin' juijitsu now, I guess that's supposed to be good, I dunno, he knows when to fold 'em or whatever, cat's in the cradle or some shit, like on 10th planet...they got all these new moves, I guess, but I'm callin' bullshit...motherfucker, Kenny's rollin' around under this dinner, these boy scout dinner tables and shit"

*waves hand incredulously*

"lookin' for some corn I guess, and you ain't submittin' shit with that 20 gallon hat bro, get back on stage they're callin' you holmes, go get your award. Like, I don't even care...you and Steven Segal, I don't even care about your guys shit, you're not from around here, you're not even from California it seems like, and that's just a fact, so, you know what I'm sayin' motherfucker?"
3/11/13 3:47 AM
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WoodenPupa
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I've just received word that the above conversation is conjectural and based only on analysis of prior Nick Diaz conversations as recorded happenstance by the NSA. The Kenny Rogers references are, by my sources, estimated with high probability to be merely NSA placemarkers and not predicted to be real content (there was not enough data to estimate probability for metaphor).
3/11/13 3:50 AM
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WoodenPupa
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And now Nick just tweeted that the above is total bullshit. When asked to clarify "the above" he said "all of the above motherfucker"
3/11/13 4:04 AM
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RickStorm
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LOL

3/11/13 4:13 AM
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WoodenPupa
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Memo to all What If Occupiers:

We've been here well over a year now, during which time has gone on. The children of Midere Watson Elementary School would like to know what it's like to stand for something, then fall for nothing, followed by standing for something again (not necessarily the original thing stood for).

The first 5 volunteers will be accepted for duties as representatives of the WIOF for a Skype interview this Novembuary 32nd at T-minus pi O'Clock. Supercalo in particular is requested to lead the representatives.

Questions will range over a variety of topics and might take the Helwani gossipy shit-starting route in an effort to beleaguer and subcombobulate the WIFO movement.

Thereby be warned but flattered. Dress at least luke warm when considering whether or not to accept this duty. Understand that there is no duty, but just things on a man's dresser. Deodorant, some change, firecrackers, receipts, and shit like that.

The first five responders who in turn show up for the Midere Watson Elementary Skype interview will be given complementary, expired but collector's edition tickets to a now bygone dinner party in honor of Supercalo's return, and a chance to meet Nick Diaz in the past.

RSVP through the town telex fax-beeper, and receive one complementary naturally occurring vintage oak cigarette, manufactured by Nature and endorsed by Kevin Mc "in" Hale, famous Celtic and supporter of the What If Occupation.
3/11/13 4:23 AM
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WoodenPupa
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I guess Nick Diaz and Steven Segal are standing on the borders of What If looking a little confused. Nick from what I understand is trying to be polite and make up for missed promotional duties, but Segal thinks something important is supposed to happen (based on him showing up, apparently; this is a frequent conclusion of his according to sources close to Segal).

It looks like they're trying to talk, or something in the neighborhood of communication. Nick is looking over his shoulder with his hands tight in his jean pockets while mumbling and Segal is rolling his eyes and bending forward as if there a microphone were present in front of him, though there isn't.

Anybody on the ground nearby for a scoop on their convo?
3/11/13 5:10 AM
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WoodenPupa
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My NSA contact is telling me that Steven and Nick are sitting down now on the front steps of Midere Watson Elementary School. Sensei Segal appears to have his head bent slightly down, and to the left, down---and to the left---listening to Nick who seems to be talking to himself.

According to the lip reader, Nick is asking whether it snows inside doorknobs in Japan. It's very hard to believe that these are his words though, and in fact I'm told it's more likely this is just a bad data compilation, or one relayed incorrectly (the sources are two nodes removed from the relayer, so transcript sections might have been woven over the 2-node compile).

The Herms (communique summarizers) are paranoid about metaphors, as usual, and think Nick might actually be asking about snow inside Japanese doorknobs as part of a code transmission (and then there is the decoy possibility as well).
3/11/13 5:15 AM
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WoodenPupa
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I'm also being told that whenever bad puns are in the offing, someone is probably showboating. But that usually communicates another message. So Midere Elementary is probably a decodable puzzle referring to a place or event, but if this is true then Segal and Nick are probably symbolic as well---meaning that something entirely different is going on. We're not talking "go signals" or shit like that, but it is likely something real is being communicated to somebody.
3/11/13 5:16 AM
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WoodenPupa
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I just texted all this to Steven's publicist who tells me that his client usually smiles and looks away when this kind of stuff is brought up, and we should know why.
3/11/13 5:29 AM
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WoodenPupa
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Edited: 03/11/13 5:31 AM
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"It was once said that an old fisherman who lived in the Fukuoka province could make it rain by playing a particular tune on his Shamisen." Sensei Segal poured the wine into the translucent green little cup and turned around to offer it to me.

"But my father told me, that wasn't what the old man did. Instead, he only played the tune after it started to rain. And he did so to keep his daughter's soul alive, because an Amefurikozo spirit threatened to suffocate her in the bottle unless he played the tune.

The demon loved the tune so much, he could not make anyone play it enough times to satisfy him. They would always quit. So he contrived to kidnap the old man's daughter and threatened to feed her soul to another, worse demon, who would feast on her forever unless the old man played the tune every time the demon made it rain."

Steven narrowed those piercing eyes at me, as if fixing the facts into my being. The floorboards ached with some 500 year old quietness.

"It fucking rained a lot in Fukuoka."
3/12/13 1:38 PM
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RickStorm
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My Gawd this WoodenPupa lol

3/12/13 6:33 PM
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MartialArtsMixed
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I just came back from a tour out in OZ, me and Scarecrow are in.
3/12/13 8:12 PM
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WoodenPupa
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Looking for the rest of the Segal transcripts, brb.
3/12/13 8:40 PM
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unfilter
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at one point all living creatures on earth were fart breathers.

methane was the gasp of choice and their preferred exhalation is rumored to have the been pure sweet O that our alveoli all know and crave.  then something happened.  i don't want to point any fingers but someone really screwed the pooch.  crisis level event as the atmosphere just flipped over from pure fart to the gaseous cocktail we now enjoy and rely on.  all these poor innocent poot suckers die horribly except for a snazzy few forward thinking types, ahead of the curve iPod Next Gen types who either had already figured out how to suck nitrogen (with a hint of oxygen for taste, like a lemon slice), or picked it up as they went along; fake it 'til you make it.

but some fart breathers escape.  by some transpermic miracle a chunk of earth containing some rudimentary methanogenic lifeforms is cast adrift in space.

erraerrarRRP! (fast forward sound effect + record scratch) now one of the fat gas bastard planets, jupiter or saturn has a moon.  not just any moon, a real striver of a moon; a middle class moon with ambition.  this motherfucker went and got itself an atmosphere.  the problem is that it got some bad advice, a little behind the curve and went and filled up on methane.  imagine farting in a bathtub and then living inside one of the bubbles, never able to reach the surface but instead orbiting ceaslessly around a strange and glamorous planet.  that's this moon.  it never got the memo that we had switched over to a less farty way of breathing.

BUT GOOD THING THEY DIDNT

>CRASH< goes the lifebearing shard of earth, tearing the viscous veil of titans fart-rich atmosphere like a hot dick through butter.  these lifeforms make the best of their 2nd chance at life, they live, breed, multiply and evolve.

now imagine a string of these methane atmospheres threading the western spiral arm like a dirty diamond bracelet.  each one in turn seeded by some miracle by these alien fart-breathing Earthlings.  they rise from the dust and in a short time dynasties are built and then fall to dust.  they invent love and several other additional emotions that are unique to methane breathing lifeforms. 

in their fart-academies and fart-institutes they are able to discover their past.  once their origin in the cosmos is laid bare by the force of their combined reason they have but one clear choice ahead of them: How do we get home?  centuries are spent in research until one day the keystone of reality gives way and the laws of physics stand up and beg.  Huge interstellar vessels are built and festooned with jubilant banners.  odes, epics and even pithy little quatrains are composed all with a single theme; we are finally going home.

there is a sound like everyone's ears popping at the same time and the happy homecoming fleet arrives in geosynchronous orbit, hovering somewhere in the clarke belt and obscuring Direct TV's High Definition satellite.  imagine what these poor methane breathers must think?  all that time spent coming home and when you finally get there you realize you smell like a fart.

that's how i feel right now; sorry i'm late guys. 

welcome back cAlo.

3/21/13 7:52 PM
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The Wizzle
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my gawd!

Dear god,

PLEASE GOD

Good god.

It's lonely on this last branch of my twisted tree noticing all the fart breathers around dese. I took a stand to occupy mahfahs, and occupy I shall mah brutha's, it's lonely here with the tents all gone, am I the last line of this meandering song? The resisters left their trash behind, I creep along on all fours, noticibly weak of spine, it's allright now, just that the og's all flown south, with nothing left to say there's no one left to question what I'm blabbin about.
3/24/13 12:08 AM
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MountainMedic
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Pickles......

Spicy OR Sweet?
Discuss Phone Post
3/24/13 1:17 AM
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KevinMcAllister
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Edited: 03/24/13 1:19 AM
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Well, sweet of course.

 

Nothin' like bitin' into that hot hamburg sandwich and feeling your teeth sink into the cold, yet gradually warming pickle. When the pickle is penetrated you can feel the tangy zest of the sugary pickle dripping down your throat, all over your tongue, caressing every inch of your mouth with it's briny piquancy.

Spicy? Why, you can get the spice in other ways my friend. A great selection of ups, both ketch and cats, contain a liberal dollop of spicing. You can spice the meat itself by adding in some Caribbean jerk seasoning, or maybe even a versatile Southwestern blend. All of this is possible, however you cannot add sugar to the patty. This would be folly.

3/24/13 8:10 PM
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RileyPust
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I hate sweet pickles :(
3/24/13 9:51 PM
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The Wizzle
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mah gosh I could go fur a juicy pickle sliced up into strips and on top of my good ole sandwich. Indeedy
3/24/13 11:04 PM
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MountainMedic
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RileyPust - I hate sweet pickles :(
Please expand on your position. Phone Post
3/25/13 2:59 PM
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lookoutawhale
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I declare page 34 a dedication to pickles and farts.

Interesting fact: A pickle can be inserted into the anus to act as a cork to block flatulence.

3/25/13 10:12 PM
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Bad Monkey
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^^^

I'm having some trouble with this.

Which end of the pickle do you insert? Stem or toe?

3/25/13 10:35 PM
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lookoutawhale
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insert the pickle horizontally instread of vertically to achieve more surface area.

3/25/13 10:40 PM
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Team GDP
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opinion on cucumbers?


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