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2/29/12 3:14 AM
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Mr Sponge
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ZeRoTZ - Lol. Holy damn.. Keep reading...
"Sarah you're coming to get the kitten, right? You should get him soon. He keeps trying to lick the paint, and I don't have the time to keep watching him to make sure he doesn't."


Semi-gloss Enamel Kitten

Posted at: 2009-06-09 18:34:44

Original ad: i want a black kitten if you have one please let me know thank you

From Mike Partlow to **********@**********.org

Hey,

I have a kitten that I want to get rid of. It is my girlfriend's kitten, but she went on a three month vacation to France and is probably cheating on me every chance she gets, so I am going to get rid of her kitten to spite her. The kitten is only a month old.

Unfortunately the kitten is not black, it is white, but I can dunk him in a can of black paint if you want. I have acrylic latex enamel paint, but if you are allergic to latex, I also have polyurethane semi-gloss. I personally think the semi-gloss would make the kitten nice and shiny.

Let me know if you want him.

Thanks

Mike

From sarah ******** to Me

ummmmmm no thanks. i dont think that would look right and its prob realy bad for the cat

From Mike Partlow to sarah ********

Sarah,

I assumed you were allergic to latex and went ahead and used the semi-gloss. The kitten looks adorable now! Do you want to come by and pick him up?

Mike

From sarah ******** to Me

WTF R U FUCKIN KIDDING ME! EW

From Mike Partlow to sarah ********

Sarah you're coming to get the kitten, right? You should get him soon. He keeps trying to lick the paint, and I don't have the time to keep watching him to make sure he doesn't.

From sarah ******** to Me

NO I DO NOT WANT HIM THAT IS FUKED UP!!!

From Mike Partlow to sarah ********

Oh, so that's how you do business, Sarah. You made me waste half a can of paint for nothing. I demand at least $10 for compensation. Phone Post
Lol Phone Post
2/29/12 3:52 AM
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fitch n prey
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I love you Phone Post
2/29/12 4:39 AM
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Northside Strangler
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Sub Phone Post
2/29/12 5:00 AM
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ZeRoTZ
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Taco Bell Hauling Service

Posted at: 2009-06-09 01:08:25

Original ad: WE ARE A MOVING COMPANY LOOKING FOR WORK. WILL BE ABLE TO HAUL ANYTHING IN OUR TRUCK WHERE YOU NEED IT

From Timmy Tucker to ********@*********.org

Hi there! I saw your ad about hauling and I would have some work for you. I live in Bedford Hills, and currently do not have a car. I have a regular craving for Taco Bell, however the closest one is in Yorktown Heights. I would be willing to pay you $10 per trip to pick me up 2 cheesy gordita crunches, a steak quesidilla and a pepsi, and haul it to my residence. I'll even tip you with a soft taco if the service is speedy.

Let me know if you are interested.

Thanks!

-Tim

From MOVING to Me THATS FUNNY YOU NED TO FIND SOMEONE WHO LIVES NEAR YOU WITH A BICYCLE I LIVE IN ASTORIA NY

From Timmy Tucker to MOVING astoria is not that far, but for your efforts I will offer $15 per trip.

From MOVING to Me STOP BEING AN ASHOLE OK GO HIRE SOME KID AND TIP HIM YOU $15 THIS IS A MOVING COMPANY

From Timmy Tucker to MOVING

I'm not going to pay some kid on a bike to get my food to me in the freezing cold. I want my food warm, delivered from a professional truck hauling service. What does it matter what you move? How about you put my food in a giant insulated box so you can feel like you are using your F150 to its full hauling potential?

From MOVING to Me funny i know your not looking for food from taco bell i saw your ad on cl in the labor section before ok. if you really eat that crap its no wonder your nuts

ye i am gonna spend $20 on gas to make $15 why dont you try hirng a cook or ordering from a place that delivers?

From Timmy Tucker to MOVING I never posted an ad on there before. and taco bell is suprisingly healthy. i dont want some cook who will spit in my food, and i dont want some delivery guy that will spit in my pizza. i trust taco bell. and $20 for gas? yeah, right. bedford hills is only like 40 miles from astoria. and gas is cheap.

From MOVING to Me

taco bell the cheese isnt even real its plastic yoru better off eating spit do you know how inexpensive it is to make a taco i make my own tacos are you fat?

From Timmy Tucker to MOVING

that cheese is delicious and authentic. i dont want to make my own taco, i want authentic mexican. where am i supposed to get grade A beef like taco bell anyway? and how the hell am i supposed to know how to make my own taco anyway? what am i, a woman? i didnt realize i was dealing with martha stewart here.

From MOVING to Me

no i think martha stewart is well what she is but you are what you are kinda an idiot do you really think its grade a beef and good cheese because no i think your not even eating that crap?dont you know what trans fat is? the cheese is plastic i eat there and when it falls on the floor of my truck it dont get moldy like real cheese it gets hard like a piece of plastic. and i can hardly call myself a cook but i try to make basics. opening up a can of beans and heating up a totilla shell isnt martha stewart and who says martha can cook anyways?

From MOVING to Me listen timmy tucker stupid mother fuck why dont you get yur mom to let her use her bun and put it in there with some mustard and eat it! Phone Post
2/29/12 5:02 AM
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ZeRoTZ
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Eagles/Giants

Posted at: 2009-06-09 00:51:31

This was in response to an ad for a guy looking for a parking pass to the Eagles/Giants game last season at Giant's Stadium. I don't think he actually looked at the parking pass I sent him. If he did try to use it, he's a retard.

Timmy Tucker to ****************@***********.org Hi there! I have season parking passes to the game and would be willing to give up my parking pass for this one because I am taking a cab to the game. I will sell it for $25.

I scanned a picture of it here if you are interested:

http://dontevenreply.com/images/parkingpass.GIF

Please let me know!

Go Eagles! Fuck the Cowboys!

- Tim

MATTHEW *************** to Me

Hey that sounds great! Do you think that maybe you could get me one for my friend too? He is going to the Carolina Arizona game and if you could get one for him, I would gladly give you 60 for the pair. Phone Post
2/29/12 8:46 AM
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ZeRoTZ
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Ttt Phone Post
2/29/12 8:48 AM
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ZeRoTZ
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Ancient African Weapon

Posted at: 2009-06-09 01:08:23

Original ad: If there is anyone interested in this, or who may know anything about this type of knife's history, please advise. It is for sale. Please make a reasonable offer. We know that is old, and definately worth some money, but we are also curious about ir's roots. I cant find anything like it on the internet. thanks!

(there was a picture of some badass blade)

Mustafi Kaawelib to **************@*********.org

Hello!

I must say I was very shocked to see that you are the owner of one of my country's most prized weapons! It is very rare, and I must inquire how you obtained such a gem! Only generals of our army carry it, it is known as the "kweli" in our language. It is the sign of a true warrior! The price of one of those alone could feed a family in Africa for months! I will pay you 200,000 Ghanaian cedi for it! Please accept my offer! Thank you!

Sincerely,

Mustafi Kaawelib

Brittany ******* to Mustafi Kaawelib

how do i know this is real? What kind of money is 200000 Ghanaian cedi? Please advise.

Brittany

Brittany ******* to Mustafi Kaawelib

Are you still interested in this piece? We got it as agift for helping someone move to a new home. My husband is a mover by trade. Please let us know. A few people have inquired about it. I would like it to go to someone who will appreciate it. thank you.

Brittany

Mustafi Kaawelib to Brittany *******

My friend,

I assure you this is real. If I were to acquire this weapon, I would be leader of my native village in Ghana. That is how much of an honor it is. Ghanaian cedi is the currency of my home country, Ghana, 200,000 is almost all of my earnings for my entire life of mining diamonds for the military. That is what I am willing to give up to own such an honorable weapon.

Thank you,

Mustafi

Brittany ******* to Mustafi Kaawelib

You are welcome to it, however, how will I get paid? Are you in the USA, or in Ghana. How will you get this? I've seen too many scams on Craigs List. Please advise. Also, I need US currency and not Ghanaian currency. Talk to you soon.

Brittany

Mustafi Kaawelib to Brittany *******

Brittany,

I am sorry, but I do not have US currency, only Ghanaian currency. Would you accept mangos from my family's mango farm instead? I am in Ghana, are you in Ghana as well? We can meet by Kumasi if you are familiar with the area.

Thanks,

Mustafi Phone Post
2/29/12 11:45 AM
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ZeRoTZ
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Nebraska Moving Service

Posted at: 2009-06-09 00:51:29

Original ad: I need a large sectional couch and table moved from Norristown PA, to Lincoln NE. Give me a quote, I am offering $1000.00 but am willing to negotiate. You should be able to fit it all in a 16` truck.

Timmy Tucker to ****************@**********.org

Hey,

I saw your ad on ********** and think I can help. I regularly take my Ford Festiva to Tallahassee, FL, and I could drop your stuff off along the way.

Let me know if you are interested,

Tim

David ********** to Timmy Tucker

wtf? lincoln is not on the way to florida. are you serious? it would never fit in your festiva anyway.

Timmy Tucker to ****************@**********.org

Dave,

Please do not underestimate or insult my Festiva. I swapped the motor with a Ford F350 and am completely capable of towing your sofa on my boat rack. You can even sit on it if you like.

Lincoln is on the way to Florida, and I would have no problem dropping your couch off there, as long as you drop your attitude with me.

- Tim

David ********** to Timmy Tucker

yeay your full of shit. you have a truck motor in your shitty little festiva? bull fucking shit. do you even know where lincoln is? its in NEBRASKA, dumbass! how the FUCK is that on the way to florida

Timmy Tucker to ****************@**********.org

Dave,

I don`t appreciate you insulting my car. How would you like it if I insulted your couch? Hopefully I won`t have to resort to that. I am aware that Nebraska is a little bit out of the way, but I was willing to do this out of the kindness of my heart. Now I am seriously reconsidering.

- Tim

David ********** to Timmy Tucker

I DONT WANT UR FUCKING HELP WITH UR SHITTY LITTLE CAR. GO AHEAD INSULT MY COUCH OOH IM FUCKIN SCARED

Timmy Tucker to ****************@**********.org

Dave,

I warned you not to insult my car. Well I have something to say about your couch. It sucks! The cushions are probably old, ripped and crusty, and sitting on it is very uncomfortable. Your table sounds like a piece of shit too. Fuck you. I hope you never get laid on that couch again.

- Tim

David ********** to Timmy Tucker

FUCK OFF Phone Post
2/29/12 11:46 AM
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ZeRoTZ
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Ok, the next one is gonna wrap it up until he brings us new shit.

And as normal, it's hilarious as fuck. Phone Post
2/29/12 11:47 AM
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ZeRoTZ
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Bug-themed Party

Posted at: 2009-06-09 01:08:22

Original ad: We are hosting a 5th birthday party for our son and his friends. It`s a "bug themed" party and we`re looking to hire someone who can bring a few bugs/spiders (maybe under glass?) to the party and educate the kids for about 20 minutes (we`re talking 5-year old attention span). The party is at the end of June. Please contact me if you have experience with and access to bugs and can create a fun learning experience for the kids.

Timmy Tucker to ****************@**********.org

Hey there,

I have access to about twenty black widow spiders, and about 50 brown recluse spiders. For $200, I can release them at your party, and everyone can enjoy them. They are great for kids! I know a lot about insects from my job. I worked in an office on the first floor that had cheap windows, so I always had to kill bugs. I can tell you how to kill anything from a stink bug to an African burrowing scorpion. I can give a small speech to your party about this.

Also, for an extra $50, I can release a bag of wasps in your house to really give it that insect theme that you are looking for.

I look forward to hearing from you,

Tim Phone Post
2/29/12 12:41 PM
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JimmersonzGlove
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 These are the best
2/29/12 3:29 PM
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PrettyBoy
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Sub Phone Post
2/29/12 4:08 PM
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Tito Or Tease
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 ttt
2/29/12 4:17 PM
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Pecker
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Gotta be shen.
2/29/12 5:39 PM
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UGK4Life
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Moar!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2/29/12 6:09 PM
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UGCTT_Trentley
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Sub'd Phone Post
2/29/12 6:47 PM
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bruce555
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Subbbbbbbb b bb b b b Phone Post
2/29/12 9:01 PM
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ZeRoTZ
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Bump Phone Post
2/29/12 9:28 PM
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kid chaos
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 sub, best thread ever
3/1/12 8:09 AM
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ZeRoTZ
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One more bump Phone Post
3/1/12 8:15 AM
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japetto
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Original ad:
ATTENTION: anyone who owns an auto repair shop
i need a fake invoice printed up for a bunch of car work so i can explain to my wife where our $1200 went. if you can print out an invoice with a bunch of repair stuff that would cost around that, please contact me ASAP.
From Me to *********@********.org:

Hey, are you still looking to get a fake invoice? I run a repair shop off of 95 in Essington and could easily print something out for you.

Mike

From Dave ******** to Me:

yea dude that would be great. it needs to be for like $1200 but your a mechanic im sure you can think of something that costs that much. essington is kinda out of my way so i just need a good reason for my wife that explains why i was down there, ya hear?

From Me to Dave ********:

Alright, I can print one out in a few minutes and scan it for you. As for your wife, just tell her you were on your way to Chester to buy drugs and your car broke down, so you just had it towed to the nearest shop. Be sure to mention how great our service was.

Mike

From Dave ******** to Me:

yeah great idea genius that would go over real well. im better off coming clean about my bad luck in atlantic city, but that aint happenin neither

From Me to Dave ********:

I don't see why it wouldn't go over well. Lots of people go out of their way to Chester for drugs. I get my coke from Chester all of the time. It is cheap, and good, too.

Anyway, I've attached the invoice I wrote up for you. I forgot to ask the Make/Model/Year of your car, so I just took a guess. If I am wrong, let me know and I can change it.

Mike

Attachment:


From Dave ******** to Me:

if you guessed 98 corolla then id be impressed otherwise could you put that in, and date it for today? thanks a lot for your help dude

From Dave ******** to Me:

wait a minute what the fuck is this shit

From Dave ******** to Me:

$200 to unjam a tape deck are you for real man? that isnt even a real problem
what the fuck is a "transgasket differential" are you serious dude, this shit isnt going to fly. 50 bucks to set the dashboard clock wtf man

like seriously man are you fucking retarded? wtf is this bullshit

From Me to Dave ********:

Yes, I typically charge around $200 to unjam a tape deck. Have you ever tried to do it? It is a pain in the ass. Some people panic and try to rewind their tapes and that just makes it even worse.

I charge $50 to set the dashboard clock, but it is well worth every penny. It is the most accurate time reading you will ever have. I sync it down to the millisecond with the official NIST time, and I have it verified by a certified time expert.

You've got me there on the transgasket differential. I just make that up and charge $400 for it and people usually pay it without much argument. Especially women, which brings me to my next point.

Women tend to know nothing about cars, so your wife will probably just look at the document and get confused by all that fancy car lingo. All women need to see is the money amount, which I have made very clear at the bottom of the invoice.

Mike

From Dave ******** to Me:

cmon man quit dicking me around and put some real shit on there. i dont know what kind of bullshit shop you are running over there, but neither me or my wife would believe this thing

and fix the car info. out of all the guesses you could have made you guessed that i drive a fucking delorean? for real dude?

From Me to Dave ********:

Sorry, you just struck me as the kind of guy who would have a DeLorean.

If you really think your wife isn't going to fall for that, I'll give you a more realistic looking document. Here is a realistic bank statement you can use to show your wife where your money went.

Mike

Attachment:


From Dave ******** to Me:

wow thats great buddy thanks for nothing you fucking retard
hey why dont you go fuck yourself in the ass with your transgasket differential. what a douchebag
3/1/12 11:45 AM
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jomxwll
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Unjamming the tape deck. Fackin awesome Phone Post
3/1/12 11:52 AM
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Atomic
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Haha. Car one is classic. Phone Post
3/1/12 12:19 PM
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TecHNieK
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LMFAO Phone Post
3/1/12 12:21 PM
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Cbass
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Lol at the delorean Phone Post

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