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OtherGround Forums >> Mike the craigslist troll (pic)


4/15/12 9:27 AM
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flowwiththego
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In, due to the fan out cry Phone Post
4/15/12 9:28 AM
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RCP
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Sub for later!!!! Lol Phone Post
4/15/12 9:36 AM
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andre
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This stuff is pure shen! Brilliant!
4/15/12 12:49 PM
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Alumynabjj
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In Phone Post
4/15/12 1:33 PM
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UGCTT_Mexicant
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Awesome Phone Post
4/15/12 1:52 PM
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DaSquidge
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Hilarious Phone Post
4/15/12 2:17 PM
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Tommyunited
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TriumphUnited.com, MarketingCoordinator
Sub a dub dub Phone Post
4/17/12 8:13 PM
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ZeRoTZ
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Bump bump bump Phone Post
4/23/12 2:36 AM
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fitch n prey
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Give me more Phone Post
4/23/12 4:34 AM
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Reggaeboys
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Sub Phone Post
4/23/12 4:40 AM
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LiveFromThe7x7
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sub
4/23/12 3:22 PM
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ZeRoTZ
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Original ad: PHONE BROKEN? NO PROBLEM! ***PHONE REPAIRS*** We can fix any phone problem, and fast! Have your phone fixed while you wait. Water damage? No problem. Cracked screen? No problem. Low prices! Customer satisfaction is our priority. We are located off of Rt 3 near Upper Darby.

From Me to ***********@*********.org:

Hi there,

I’m not sure what happened, but my phone simply stopped working last night. I was talking on it and it suddenly shut off and won’t turn on. Do you think you would be able to repair it?

Mike

From Will ******* to Me:

We most certainly can fix it. What kind of phone is it?

From Me to Will *******:

Oh, I’m not sure…I’m not too good when it comes to technology. If I took a picture of the phone, would you be able to tell?

From Will ******* to Me:

Yes. Or you could check near the battery cover and find the model number.

From Me to Will *******:

I’m not sure how to get to the battery cover. I’ll just send you a picture of it:


Mike

From Will ******* to Me:

Holy Christ! What the hell did you do to that thing?!

From Me to Will *******:

I’m not sure…I think I might have dropped it.

Mike

From Will ******* to Me:

…into a fire?!?!?!

From Me to Will *******:

No, I think I’d remember if that happened. So when can I bring it in to your shop?

Mike

From Will ******* to Me:

Seriously? We can’t fix that, it is burned to a damn crisp! FYI that is a Blackberry, and you may as well buya newone –that one is ruined.

From Me to Will *******:

This is an outrage. Allow me to quote your ad: “we can fix any phone problem.”

Why can’t you fix mine? Is this your idea of “customer satisfaction” ?

Mike

From Will ******* to Me:

Look, asshole, most phone problems are cracked screens and water damage, which we can fix. What are we supposed to do with a melted hunk of plastic that used to be a phone?

From Me to Will *******:

You tell me. You’re supposed to be the expert. Perhaps you should change the wording of your ad so you stop tricking people into thinking you can fix their phones when you can’t.

Mike

From Will ******* to Me:

Perhaps you should go fuck yourself. Phone Post
4/23/12 3:28 PM
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RCP
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I love this guy! Phone Post
4/23/12 3:50 PM
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ZeRoTZ
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From: Shannon Walkley Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.15am To: David Thorne Subject: Poster

Hi I opened the screen door yesterday and my cat got out and has been missing since then so I was wondering if you are not to busy you could make a poster for me. It has to be A4 and I will photocopy it and put it around my suburb this afternoon.


This is the only photo of her I have she answers to the name Missy and is black and white and about 8 months old. missing on Harper street and my phone number. Thanks Shan.

From: David Thorne Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.26am To: Shannon Walkley Subject: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,

That is shocking news. Luckily I was sitting down when I read your email and not half way up a ladder or tree. How are you holding up? I am surprised you managed to attend work at all what with thinking about Missy out there cold, frightened and alone... possibly lying on the side of the road, her back legs squashed by a vehicle, calling out "Shannon, where are you?"

Although I have two clients expecting completed work this afternoon, I will, of course, drop everything and do whatever it takes to facilitate the speedy return of Missy.

Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.37am To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Poster

yeah ok thanks. I know you dont like cats but I am really worried about mine. I have to leave at 1pm today. Phone Post
4/23/12 3:52 PM
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ZeRoTZ
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Doh, this is the cat, didn't show up first time. Trying again..

Phone Post
4/23/12 3:54 PM
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ZeRoTZ
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From: David Thorne Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.17am To: Shannon Walkley Subject: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,

I never said I don't like cats. Once, having been invited to a party, I went clothes shopping beforehand and bought a pair of expensive G-Star boots. They were two sizes too small but I wanted them so badly I figured I could just wear them without socks and cut my toenails very short. As the party was only a few blocks from my place, I decided to walk. After the first block, I lost all feeling in my feet. Arriving at the party, I stumbled into a guy named Steven, spilling Malibu & coke onto his white Wham 'Choose Life' t-shirt, and he punched me. An hour or so after the incident, Steven sat down in a chair already occupied by a cat. The surprised cat clawed and snarled causing Steven to leap out of the chair, slip on a rug and strike his forehead onto the corner of a speaker; resulting in a two inch open gash. In its shock, the cat also defecated, leaving Steven with a wet brown stain down the back of his beige cargo pants. I liked that cat.

Attached poster as requested.

Regards, David.


From: Shannon Walkley Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.24am To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

yeah thats not what I was looking for at all. it looks like a movie and how come the photo of Missy is so small?

From: David Thorne Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.28am To: Shannon Walkley Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,

It's a design thing. The cat is lost in the negative space.

Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.33am To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Thats just stupid. Can you do it properly please? I am extremely emotional over this and was up all night in tears. you seem to think it is funny. Can you make the photo bigger please and fix the text and do it in colour please. Thanks. Phone Post
4/23/12 3:58 PM
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ZeRoTZ
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From: David Thorne Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.46am To: Shannon Walkley Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,

Having worked with designers for a few years now, I would have assumed you understood, despite our vague suggestions otherwise, we do not welcome constructive criticism. I don't come downstairs and tell you how to send text messages, log onto Facebook and look out of the window. I am willing to overlook this faux pas due to you no doubt being preoccupied with thoughts of Missy attempting to make her way home across busy intersections or being trapped in a drain as it slowly fills with water. I spent three days down a well once but that was just for fun.

I have amended and attached the poster as per your instructions.

Regards, David.


From: Shannon Walkley Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.59am To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

This is worse than the other one. can you make it so it shows the whole photo of Missy and delete the stupid text that says missing missy off it? I just want it to say lost.

From: David Thorne Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.14am To: Shannon Walkley Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster


From: Shannon Walkley Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.21am To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

yeah can you do the poster or not? I just want a photo and the word lost and the telephone number and when and where she was lost and her name. Not like a movie poster or anything stupid. I have to leave early today. If it was your cat I would help you. Thanks. Phone Post
4/23/12 4:04 PM
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ZeRoTZ
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From: David Thorne Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.32am To: Shannon Walkley Subject: Awww

Dear Shannon,

I don't have a cat. I once agreed to look after a friend's cat for a week but after he dropped it off at my apartment and explained the concept of kitty litter, I kept the cat in a closed cardboard box in the shed and forgot about it. If I wanted to feed something and clean faeces, I wouldn't have put my mother in that home after her stroke. A week later, when my friend came to collect his cat, I pretended that I was not home and mailed the box to him. Apparently I failed to put enough stamps on the package and he had to collect it from the post office and pay eighteen dollars. He still goes on about that sometimes, people need to learn to let go.

I have attached the amended version of your poster as per your detailed instructions.

Regards, David.


From: Shannon Walkley Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.47am To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Awww

Thats not my cat. where did you get that picture from? That cat is orange. I gave you a photo of my cat.

From: David Thorne Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.58am To: Shannon Walkley Subject: Re: Re: Awww

I know, but that one is cute. As Missy has quite possibly met any one of several violent ends, it is possible you might get a better cat out of this. If anybody calls and says "I haven't seen your orange cat but I did find a black and white one with its hind legs run over by a car, do you want it?" you can politely decline and save yourself a costly veterinarian bill.

I knew someone who had a basset hound that had its hind legs removed after an accident and it had to walk around with one of those little buggies with wheels. If it had been my dog I would have asked for all its legs to be removed and replaced with wheels and had a remote control installed. I could charge neighbourhood kids for rides and enter it in races. If I did the same with a horse I could drive it to work. I would call it Steven.

Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.07pm To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Please just use the photo I gave you.

From: David Thorne Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.22pm To: Shannon Walkley Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww


From: Shannon Walkley Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.34pm To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

I didnt say there was a reward. I dont have $2000 dollars. What did you even put that there for? Apart from that it is perfect can you please remove the reward bit. Thanks Shan.

From: David Thorne Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.42pm To: Shannon Walkley Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww


From: Shannon Walkley Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.51pm To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Can you just please take the reward bit off altogether? I have to leave in ten minutes and I still have to make photocopies of it.

From: David Thorne Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.56pm To: Shannon Walkley Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww


From: Shannon Walkley Date: Monday 21 June 2010 1.03pm To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Fine. That will have to do. Phone Post
4/23/12 4:09 PM
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Dratherbe
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LOL @ "Fine. That will have to do."

I've seen that exchange several times and it still cracks me the fuck up.
4/23/12 4:15 PM
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ZeRoTZ
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From: David Thorne Date: Monday 8 Dec 2008 11.04am To: Matthew Smythe Subject: R.S.V.P.

Dear Matthew,

Thankyou for the party invite. At first glance I thought it may be a child’s party what with it being vibrant and having balloons but I realise you probably did your best with what little tools were available. I wouldn’t miss it for the world. What time would you like me there?

Regards, David.

From: Matthew Smythe Date: Monday 8 Dec 2008 3.48pm To: David Thorne Subject: Re: R.S.V.P.

Hi David

Sorry the note was just to let you know that we might be a bit loud that night. The house warming is really just for friends and family but you can drop past for a beer if you like.

Cheers Matthew

From: David Thorne Date: Monday 8 Dec 2008 5.41pm To: Matthew Smythe Subject: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Thanks Matthew,

Including me in your list of friends and family means a lot. You and I don’t tend to have long discussions when we meet in the hallway and I plan to put a stop to that. Next time we bump into each other I intend to have a very long conversation with you and I am sure you are looking forward to that as much as I am. I have told my friend Ross that you are having a party and he is as excited as I am. Do you want us to bring anything or will everything be provided?

Regards, David.

From: Matthew Smythe Date: Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 10.01am To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Hi David

As I said, my housewarming is just for friends and family. There is not a lot of room so cant really have to many people come. Sorry about that mate.

Cheers Matthew

From: David Thorne Date: Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 2.36pm To: Matthew Smythe Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Dear Matthew,

I can appreciate that, our apartments are not very large are they? I myself like to go for a jog every night to keep fit but fear leaving the house so I have to jog on the spot taking very small steps with my arms straight down. I understand the problems of space restrictions all too well. If you would like to store some of your furniture at my place during the party you are quite welcome to - if we move your cane furniture into my spare room for the night and scatter cushions on the ground, that would provide a lot more seating and create a cozy atmosphere at the same time. I have a mirror ball that you can borrow.

I have told Ross not to invite anyone else due to the space constraints so it will just be us two and my other friend Simon. When I told Simon that Ross and I were going to a party he became quite angry that I had not invited him as well so I really didn’t have any choice as he can become quite violent. Sometimes I am afraid to even be in the same room as him. So just myself, Ross and Simon. Simon’s girlfriend has a work function on that night but might come along after that if she can get a lift with friends.

Regards, David. Phone Post
4/23/12 4:16 PM
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ZeRoTZ
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From: Matthew Smythe Date: Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 4.19pm To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Wtf? Nobody can come to the houswarming party it is just for friends and family. I dont even know these people. How do you know I have cane furniture? Are you the guy in apartment 1?

From: David Thorne Date: Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 6.12pm To: Matthew Smythe Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Hi Matthew,

I understand it is an exclusive party and I appreciate you trusting my judgement on who to bring. I just assumed you have cane furniture, doesn’t everybody? Cane is possibly one of the most renewable natural resources we have after plastic, it is not only strong but lightweight and attractive. Every item in my apartment is made of cane, including my television. It looks like the one from Gilligan’s Island but is in colour of course. Do you remember that episode where a robot came to the island? That was the best one in my opinion. I always preferred Mary Anne to Ginger, same with Flintstones - I found Betty much more attractive than Wilma but then I am not really keen on redheads at all. They have freckles all over their body did you know? It’s the ones on their back and shoulders that creep me out the most.

Anyway, Ross rang me today all excited about the party and asked me what the theme is, I told him that I don’t think there is a theme and we discussed it and feel that it should be an eighties themed party. I have a white suit and projector and am coming as Nik Kershaw. I have made a looping tape of ‘wouldn’t it be good’ to play as I am sure you will agree that this song rocks and has stood the test of time well.

I am in the process of redesigning your invites appropriately and will get a few hundred of them printed off later today. I will have to ask you for the money for this as print cartridges for my Epson are pretty expensive. They stopped making this model a month after I bought it and I have to get the cartridges sent from China. Around $120 should cover it. You can just pop the money in my letter box if I don’t see you before tonight.

Regards, David.

From: Matthew Smythe Date: Wednesday 10 Dec 2008 11.06pm To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

What the fuck are yout alking about? There is no theme for the party it is just a few friends and family. noone else can come IT IS ONLY FOR MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY do you understand? Do not print anything out because I am not paying for something I dont need and didnt ask you to do! look I am sorry but i am heaps busy and that night is not convenient. Are you in Apatrment1?

From: David Thorne Date: Thursday 11 Dec 2008 9.15am To: Matthew Smythe Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

Hello Matthew,

I agree that it is not very convenient and must admit that when I first received your invitation I was perplexed that it was on a Sunday night but who am I to judge? No, I am in apartment 3B. Our bedroom walls are touching so when we are sleeping our heads are only a few feet apart. If I put my ear to the wall I can hear you. I also agree with you that having a particular theme for your party may not be the best choice, it makes more sense to leave it open as a generic fancy dress party, that way everyone can come dressed in whatever they want.

Once, I went to a party in a bear outfit which worked out well as it was freezing and I was the only one warm. As it won’t be cold the night of your party, I have decided to come as a ninja. I think it would be really good if you dressed as a ninja as well and we could perform a martial arts display for the other guests. I have real swords and will bring them. If you need help with your costume let me know, I have made mine by wrapping a black t-shirt around my face with a hooded jacket and cut finger holes in black socks for the gloves. I do not have any black pants so will spray paint my legs on the night.

It is a little hard to breathe in the costume so I will need you to keep the window open during the party to provide good air circulation. Actually, I just had a thought, how awesome would it be if I arrived ‘through’ the window like a real ninja. We should definitely do that. I just measured the distance between our balconies and I should be able to jump it. I once leaped across a creek that was over five metres wide and almost made it.

Also, you mentioned in your invitation that if there was anything I needed, to let you know. My car is going in for a service next week and I was wondering, seeing as we are good friends now, if it would be ok to borrow yours on that day? I hate catching the bus as they are full of poor people who don’t own cars.

Regards, David.

From: Matthew Smythe Date: Thursday 11 Dec 2008 3.02pm To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.

WTF? No you cant borrow my car and there is no fucking 3B. I reckon you are that guy from Apartment 1. You are not coming to my house warming and you are not bringing any of your friends. What the fuck is wrong with you??? The only people invited are friends and family I told you that. It is just drinks there is no fucking fancy dress and only people i know are coming! I dont want to be rude but jesus fucking christ man.

From: David Thorne Date: Sunday 14 Dec 2008 2.04am To: Matthew Smythe Subject: Party

Hello Matthew,

I have been away since Thursday so have not been able to check my email from home. Flying back late today in time for the party and just wanted to say that we are really looking forward to it. Will probably get there around eleven or twelve, just when it starts to liven up. Simon’s girlfriend Cathy’s work function was cancelled so she can make it afterall which is good news. She will probably have a few friends with her so they will take the minivan. Also, I have arranged a Piñata.

Regards, David. Phone Post
4/23/12 4:18 PM
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ZeRoTZ
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From: Jeff Peters Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 10.22am To: David Thorne Subject: Membership Renewal

Dear David

This is a friendly reminder to let you know your gym membership expired last week. Your membership is important to us and we would like to take this opportunity to show our appreciation by offering you a 20% discount on your membership renewal. We look forward to seeing you again soon.

All the best, Jeff Peters

From: David Thorne Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 1.37pm To: Jeff Peters Subject: Re: Membership Renewal

Dear Jeff,

Thankyou for your friendly reminder and the kind offer to reduce my membership by twenty percent. I own a calculator but I could not work out how to do percentages on it so have estimated that I save around $372.10 off the normal price of $420.00 -Please confirm that this is correct and I will renew my membership immediately. Also, do I get a Fitness First sports bag with towel and drinking bottle included in the price? I own my own legwarmers and headband.

Regards, David.

From: Jeff Peters Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.01am To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Hello David

How did you come to that amount? Our half year membership fees are actually $460 but with the 20% discount as an existing member your renewing membership fee would be only $368 for the six months saving you almost $100 off the normal price. We are not Fitness First so do not have those bags.

Cheers, Jeff

From: David Thorne Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.18am To: Jeff Peters Subject: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff,

Do I get free shipping with that?

Regards, David.

From: Jeff Peters Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 12.48pm To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Free shipping with what? The $368 covers your membership fees for six months.

From: David Thorne Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 2.26pm To: Jeff Peters Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff,

By the power of Greyskull that is a lot of money but I admit to being in desperate need of increasing my body strength. My ten year old child often turns the taps off in the bathroom very tightly and I have to go several days without washing. I feel bad constantly having to ask the lady from next door to come over and loosen them for me, what with her arthritis and limited wheelchair access to my apartment.

To be honest, I originally joined your gym with full intentions of attending every few days but after waiting in vain for someone to offer me steroids, I began to suspect this was not going to happen and the realisation that I may have to exercise instead was, quite frankly, horrifying. My aversion to work, along with the fact one of your employees, Justin, was rather rude, telling me to 'lift this', ''push that' dulled my initial enthusiasm of becoming muscular and I stopped attending.

Regards, David.

From: Jeff Peters Date: Friday 10 April 2009 9.17am To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Hello David

Nobody here would offer you steroids, it is illegal and none of our staff would do this. Justin is one of our most experienced trainers and if you found him rude while he was trying to be helpful and just doing his job then there are plenty of other gyms you could look at joining instead.

Cheers, Jeff

From: David Thorne Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.02am To: Jeff Peters Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff,

Yes, I have noticed that there are many gyms in my area. I assume the low qualification requirements of fitness trainers means that there is an over supply of these buffed but essentially otherwise purposeless professionals.

I knew a guy in high school who couldn't talk very well and collected sticks, he used to call the teacher 'mum' and during recess we would give him money to dance. Then sell him sticks to get our money back. He went on to become a fitness instructor so I view gyms as kind of like those factories that provide a community service by employing people with down syndrome to lick stamps and pack boxes. Except with more Spandex obviously.

Regards, David.

From: Jeff Peters Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.32am To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Go fuck yourself.

From: David Thorne Date: Friday 10 April 2009 11.38am To: Jeff Peters Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff,

I was, at first, quite surprised at your response; one minute you are inviting me to renew my membership and asking me for money, the next insulting me. After doing a little research however, I have learnt that mood swings are an expected side effect of steroid abuse. As another side effect is a reduction in the size of your penis, this gives you understandable cause to be an angry person. I have also learnt that Spandex contains carcinogenic properties so this does not bode well for yourself and your shiny friends. If I woke up one morning and my penis was a quarter of the size AND I had testicular cancer, I would probably take my anger out on those around me as well.

There are probably support groups or websites that could help you manage your problem more effectively and picture based books available on the subject. When I am angry I like to listen to music by Linkin Park. The added angst and desire to cut myself works similarly to the way firefighters fight forest fires by burning off sections, effectively canceling each other out and I find myself at peace. As you guys usually listen to Pet Shop Boys or Frankie Goes to Hollywood, this may be worth a try.

Regards, David.

From: Jeff Peters Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.04pm To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

DO NOT EMAIL ME AGAIN

From: David Thorne Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.15pm To: Jeff Peters Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Ok.

From: Jeff Peters Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.25pm To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Is that you being a smartarse or agreeing not to email me again?

From: David Thorne Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.32pm To: Jeff Peters Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

The middle one. Phone Post
4/23/12 4:26 PM
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ZeRoTZ
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From: David Thorne Date: Wednesday 10 March 2010 7.12pm To: Darryl Robinson Subject: Permission Slip

Dear Darryl,

I have received your permission slip featuring what I can only assume is a levitating rabbit about to drop an egg on Jesus.

Thank you for pre-ticking the permission box as this has saved me not only from having to make a choice, but also from having to make my own forty five degree downward stroke followed by a twenty percent longer forty five degree upward stroke. Without your guidance, I may have drawn a picture of a cactus wearing a hat by mistake.

As I trust my offspring's ability to separate fact from fantasy, I am happy for him to participate in your indoctrination process on the proviso that all references to 'Jesus' are replaced with the term 'Purportedly Magic Jew.'

Regards, David.

From: Darryl Robinson Date: Thursday 11 March 2010 9.18am To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Permission Slip

Hello David

The tick in the box already was a mistake I noticed after printing them all. I've seen the play and it's not indoctrinating anyone. It's a fun play performed by a great bunch of kids. You do not have to be religious to enjoy it. You are welcome to attend if you have any concerns.

Darryl Robinson, School Chaplain

From: David Thorne Date: Thursday 11 March 2010 11.02am To: Darryl Robinson Subject: Re: Re: Permission Slip

Dear Darryl,

Thank you for the kind offer, being unable to think of anything more exciting than attending your entertaining and fun filled afternoon, I tried harder and thought of about four hundred things.

I was actually in a Bible based play once and played the role of 'Annoyed about having to do this.' My scene involved offering a potplant, as nobody knew what Myrrh was, to a plastic baby Jesus then standing between 'I forgot my costume so am wearing the teachers poncho' and 'I don't feel very well'. Highlights of the play included a nervous donkey with diarrhoea causing 'I don't feel very well' to vomit onto the back of Mary's head, and the lighting system, designed to provide a halo effect around the manger, overheating and setting it alight. The teacher, later criticised for dousing an electrical fire with a bucket of water and endangering the lives of children, left the building in tears and the audience in silence. We only saw her again briefly when she came to the school to collect her poncho.

Also, your inference that I am without religion is incorrect and I am actually torn between two faiths; while your god's promise of eternal life is very persuasive, the Papua New Guinean mud god, Pikkiwoki, is promising a pig and as many coconuts as you can carry.

Regards, David.

From: Darryl Robinson Date: Thursday 11 March 2010 2.52pm To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Permission Slip

Hello David

While it would be a pity for Seb to miss out on the important message of hope that the story of the resurrection gives, if you don't want him to attend the presentation on Monday then just tick the box that says I do not give my child permission to attend.

Darryl Robinson, School Chaplain

From: David Thorne Date: Thursday 11 March 2010 5.09pm To: Darryl Robinson Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Permission Slip

Dear Darryl,

I understand the importance the resurrection story holds in your particular religion. If I too knew some guy that had been killed and placed inside a cave with a rock in front of it and I visited the cave to find the rock moved and his body gone, the only logical assumption would be that he had risen from the dead and is the son of God. Once, my friend Simon was rushed to hospital to have his appendix removed and I visited him the next day to find his bed empty. I immediately sacrificed a goat and burnt a witch in his name but it turned out that he had not had appendicitis, just needed a good poo, and was at home playing Playstation.

Someone probably should have asked "So the rock has been moved and he's gone... has anyone checked his house?" I realise Playstation was not around in those days but they probably had the equivalent. A muddy stick or something. I would have said "Can someone please check if Jesus is at home playing with his muddy stick, if not, then and only then should we all assume, logically, that he has risen from the dead and is the son of God."

If we accept though, that Jesus was the son of an Infinite Being capable of anything, he probably did have a Playstation. Probably a Playstation 7. I know I have to get my offspring all the latest gadgets. God would probably have said to him, "I was going to wait another two thousand years to give you this but seeing as you have been good... just don't tell your mother about Grand Theft Auto."

Also, is it true that Jesus can be stabbed during a sword fight and be ok due to the fact that he can only die if he gets his head chopped off?

Regards, David.

From: Darryl Robinson Date: Friday 12 March 2010 10.13am To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Permission Slip

Nowhere in the Bible does Jesus have a sword fight. Learning the teachings of the Bible is not just about religion. It teaches a set of ethics that are sadly not taught by parents nowadays.

Darryl Robinson, School Chaplain

From: David Thorne Date: Friday 12 March 2010 2.23pm To: Darryl Robinson Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Permission Slip

Dear Darryl,

You raise a valid point and I appreciate you pointing out my failings as a parent. Practising a system of ethics based on the promise of a reward, in your case an afterlife, is certainly preferable to practising a system of ethics based on it simply being the right thing to do.

Many years ago, I lived next door to a Christian named Mr Stevens. You could tell he was a Christian because he had a fish sticker on his Datsun. He used to wave at us kids from his bathroom window on hot summer days as we played in the sprinkler. I learnt a lot from Mr Stevens. Mainly about wrestling holds. The trick is to oil up really well making it hard for the other person to hold you down. I would often lie on his living room rug looking up at the pictures of sunsets behind quotes from Psalms while waiting for him to unwrap his legs from around my torso.

Your job would be made much easier if, after making the school children sit through an hour of church youth group teens dancing, singing and re-enacting Jewish magic tricks, you simply told them that it was just a small taste of what hell is like and if they didn't believe in Jesus they would have to sit through it again.

When I was at school, we were forced to attend a similar presentation. Herded into the gym under the pretence of free chips, we were assaulted with an hour of hippies playing guitars and a dance routine featuring some kind of colourful coat and a lot of looking upwards. Due to the air-conditioning in the packed gym not working and it being a hot day, the hippie wearing the colourful coat blacked out mid performance and struck his head against the front edge of the stage spraying the first row of cross-legged children with blood. Unconscious, he also urinated. There was a bit of screaming and an ambulance involved and everyone agreed it was the best play they had ever seen.

Regards, David. Phone Post
4/23/12 4:28 PM
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ZeRoTZ
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Member Since: 7/10/10
Posts: 919
From: Darryl Robinson Date: Friday 12 March 2010 2.47pm To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Permission Slip

Hello David

I don't see what any of that has to do with this play. It's important for children to have balance in their life and spirituality is as important in a childs life as everything else. There's an old saying that life without religion is life without beauty.

Darryl Robinson, School Chaplain

From: David Thorne Date: Friday 12 March 2010 3.36pm To: Darryl Robinson Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Permission Slip

Dear Darryl,

I agree completely that balance is an important component of a child's education. I will assume then that you will also be organising a class excursion to a play depicting the fifteen billion year expansion of the universe from its initial particle soup moments following the big bang through to molecule coalescion, galaxy and planetary formation and eventually life?

Perhaps your church youth group could put together an interpretive dance routine representing the behaviour of Saturn's moon Hyperion, shattered by an ancient collision and falling randomly back together, tugged to and fro by the gravitational pull of Titan, sixteen sister moons, the multi-billionfold moonlets of Saturn’s rings, Saturn’s gravitational field, companion planets, the variability’s of Sol, stars, galaxy, neighbouring galaxies... or possibly not, according to an old saying, there is no beauty in this.

Also, while I understand that the play is to be held outside school grounds, due to the fact that it is illegal to present medieval metaphysic propaganda in public schools, it is also my understanding that you are now required by law, as of last year, to go by the title Christian Volunteer rather than School Chaplain. A memo you may have missed or filed in your overflowing 'facts that cease to exist when they are ignored' tray.

Regards, David.

From: Darryl Robinson Date: Monday 15 March 2010 9.22am To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Permission Slip

I'm not going to waste any more precious time replying to your stupid emails. If you don't want your child to attend the play just indicate that on the permission slip.

From: David Thorne Date: Monday 15 March 2010 11.04am To: Darryl Robinson Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Permission Slip


From: Darryl Robinson Date: Monday 15 March 2010 2.11pm To: David Thorne Subject: No Subject

I will pray for you.

From: David Thorne Date: Monday 15 March 2010 2.19pm To: Darryl Robinson Subject: Re: No Subject

Thanks. Mention that I want a Toyota Prado if you get the chance. A white one. With dark grey leather interior and sat nav.

Regards, David.

From: Darryl Robinson Date: Tuesday 16 March 2010 9.20am To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: No Subject

I've had enough of your nonsense. Dont email me again.

From: GOD Date: Tuesday 16 March 2010 10.18am To: Darryl Robinson Subject: Word of God

DARYL, THIS IS GOD. BUY DAVID A TOYOTA PRADO. A WHITE ONE. WITH DARK GREY LEATHER INTERIOR AND SAT NAV.

From: Darryl Robinson Date: Tuesday 16 March 2010 2.35pm To: GOD Cc: David Thorne Subject: Re: Word of God

I'm serious.

From: GOD Date: Tuesday 16 March 2010 2.48pm To: Darryl Robinson Subject: Re: Re: Word of God

OK. Phone Post
4/23/12 4:43 PM
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Twobloodyfists
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Member Since: 4/16/12
Posts: 7
ZeRoTZ - Christmas Dinner
Posted at: 2009-12-06 12:21:18
Original ad:
we need profesional catering for our christmas day dinner party. must have experence catering. SERIOUS RESPONSES ONLY
From Me to ************@*********.org:

Hello,

I am writing in response to your ad looking for a caterer for your Christmas dinner party. I am a freelance chef with a lot of catering experience. I was the top chef at the world renowned Restauran de Bon Foodeux for over five years. If you are still looking for a caterer, let me know.

Thanks,

Michael

From Brian ******* to Me:

michael thank you for responding. what are your rates? we are expeting about twenty people at are dinner party so will need enough food for all of them. can you supply the food and we reembirse you? also do you have a menu of mealss you cook for us to choose from?

From Me to Brian *******:

Brian,

Supplying the food will not be a problem. I have a wide variety of exquisite dishes for you to choose from, which I will list below. My rates are per person and it depends on the meal, but generally ranges from $20-$40 per person. Here are the meals I typically offer:

La Nouille du Triomphe
A meal of pure bliss and flavor - a delicious plate of ramen noodles boiled in the purest of water. Noodles can be flavored with either chicken or beef seasoning.

Le Repas du Fromage Délicieux
A mouthwatering bowl of easy mac cooked to perfection in a microwave. Served with a side of peanut M&Ms.

Le Repas de la Faim de Grande Personne
A delectably and savory microwaved TV dinner. The dish comes with two pieces of fried chicken, mashed potatoes, freshly grown vegetables and a satisfying brownie that is heated to absolute perfection.

Le Sandwich Rouge
A truly phenominal sandwich consisting of ketchup spread over a carefully microwaved piece of bread, and then topped with another piece of bread. Comes with a side of mayonnaise for dipping.

Dessert

Le Plat du Lait et de la Céréale
A satisfying end to your meal, this dessert consists of a bowl of fruit loops served with either skim or 2% milk. Milk can be substituted with water for those on a diet.

La Pâtisserie Bourrée
Individually wrapped twinkies that have been microwaved to sheer delight.

Let me know which meals you are interested in, and I can give you a quote on how much everything will cost.

Thank you,
Michael

From Brian ******* to Me:

what the fuck you actully cater that shit to people ? yea im gonna serve easy mac and twinkies for christmas dinner are you fuckin kidding me. my son in college could make that shit!

From Me to Brian *******:

Brian,

The twinkes aren't for everyone. I understand if you are on a diet, but for me, nothing celebrates the birth of Jesus like a twinkie and some good easy mac. If you aren't interested in that meal, would you consider any of my other options? My personal favorite is Le Sandwich Rouge. That is also very affordable. For twenty people, it would probably cost you about $400.

Michael

From Brian ******* to Me:

cut the bullshit fancy french names and call it a goddamn gross ass ketchup sanwich

From Me to Brian *******:

Brian,

I am personally offended that you are insulting my masterpiece meals. These are perfected family recipes that have been passed down for generations of chefs in my family. Cooking is my art, and for you to insult me without even trying my work is just plain rude.

Michael
Hahahaha ah that's some funny shit right there. Phone Post

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