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4/23/12 5:38 PM
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ZeRoTZ
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Bump for new material! Phone Post
4/23/12 6:17 PM
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roperninja
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How do I make sure I never lose this thread Phone Post
4/23/12 6:20 PM
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JudoWoman
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Sub Phone Post
4/23/12 6:38 PM
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pennviachoke
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. Phone Post
4/23/12 6:52 PM
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Sensei Millia 209TT
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 The play emails had me fucking dying over here. Twice my nephew came out and asked me what I was laughing so hard at. I told him with tears in my eyes to get the fuck out of here.
4/23/12 7:00 PM
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MMARAIDER
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Sub Phone Post
4/23/12 7:05 PM
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LiveWire
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How did I miss this thread?
4/23/12 7:12 PM
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BoondockJOSH
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AlexanderTheGOAT - Lol at the lost cat Phone Post
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4/23/12 7:34 PM
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Falcon Falcone
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TTT Phone Post
4/23/12 7:48 PM
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jasonhightower
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Sub Phone Post
4/23/12 7:56 PM
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MuchRespec'
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Dratherbe - LOL @ "Fine. That will have to do."

I've seen that exchange several times and it still cracks me the fuck up.
This. LOFL Phone Post
4/23/12 8:11 PM
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bigphil
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Subsubsubsub Phone Post
4/23/12 9:36 PM
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hendownz
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This is gold. Phone Post
4/23/12 9:52 PM
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norcalbc
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Sub Phone Post
4/23/12 10:01 PM
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Djuke1
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For later Phone Post
4/25/12 3:23 PM
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ZeRoTZ
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Glorious Master Translator

Posted at: 2012-04-23 17:29:34 | 96 comments | Add Comment

Original ad: I need someone who speaks japanese to help me translate something. wont take too long. please email me ASAP!

From Me to ************@***********.org:

Hi! You need Japanese translate? I Chan, I help you with translate.

- Chan

From Scott ******* to Me:

hey chan. so ok heres the deal. my cd player suddenly stopped working and i cant figure out why. for some reason the only manual i have is entirely in japanese. i took a pic of the page im pretty sure its the trouble shooting part. can you see if it says anything about no sound coming from the output?


From Me to Scott *******:

Ok, I find three thing may help you:

"Failure of Sound from Device" "Skipping of disc for poor sound" "Sound volume low very much"

- Chan

From Scott ******* to Me:

umm..what does it say for the failure of sound one?

From Me to Scott *******:

"Hello and thank you for chose glorious master CD player! Apologies many for trouble of product. To fix failure of the sound, follow step:

1. Unplug glorious master CD player 2. Plug glorious master CD player back in"

I hope this help!

- Chan

From Scott ******* to Me:

that doesnt help me at all. is that all it says?

From Me to Scott *******:

Oh no! Very sorry. There more steps to help you! Here:

"If still experience failure of the sound, your glorious master CD player possessed by audio demon. To banish audio demon, follow step:

1. Ignite seven candle 2. Pray to Benzaiten, Goddess of Music 3. Benzaiten will banish audio demon to eternal suffering 4. Try play CD again

If you fail banishing of audio demon, you failure. Much dishonor of family name. Suggest immediate death by Seppuku."

I hope you banish audio demon! Much luck.

- Chan

From Scott ******* to Me:

wtf? does it really say that?

From Me to Scott *******:

I just translate what you give.

From Scott ******* to Me:

no way it says that. what kind of useless manual is this? how is that supposed to help anyone?

From Me to Scott *******:

Very sorry, audio demon big problem with many CD player! I have sword, much sharp, good for seppuku. You want borrow?

From Scott ******* to Me:

wtf are you talking about. an audio demon? this is BS. are you screwing with me?

From Scott ******* to Me:

did i send the wrong page? i think this is the table of contents. can you look at this and tell me which page is the troubleshooting one? then ill send you that one Phone Post
4/25/12 3:26 PM
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ZeRoTZ
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From Me to Scott *******:

That no table of content, that Sushi take-out menu! Try #16, Spicy Salmon Roll! Much delicious!

From Scott ******* to Me:

..........ok buddy. thanks for nothing you jackass

Later, from another email account

From Me to *********@*********.org:

Hey there,

I saw your ad and think I can help you. I majored in Japanese in college, speak it fluently, and lived in Miyazaki for two years.

Mike

From Scott ******* to Me:

thanks so much mike. i was talking to someone else for help, but idk what his problem was. dude kept sending me all this BS. anyway my cd player isnt working and the manual is only in japanese so i need help reading the troubleshooting part. i think the attached picture is the table of contents, could you see if it says what page the troubleshooting part is on and then ill send you that?


From Me to Scott *******:

You sent me a sushi take-out menu. Are you sure you have the right documents?

From Scott ******* to Me:

wtf!!! i dont know what is going on! it has a picture of the cd player on the front and then this is the next page. why would they put a sushi menu in there?

From Me to Scott *******:

Japanese instruction manuals are not like the American manuals you are used to. They often include advertisements, and I guess in this case, a sushi menu. Looking at it closer, it says "Thank you for purchasing this glorious master CD player. Why not order sushi while you enjoy music?"

Mike

From Scott ******* to Me:

well that is dumb...whatever. i think this page is the troubleshooting part because of the tables. am i right? do you see anything about there not being any sound?


From Me to Scott *******:

Yes, this is the right page. It says to unplug it and plug it back in.

Mike

From Scott ******* to Me:

yea i did that. nothing. is that it?

From Me to Scott *******:

Well, you're not gonna want to hear this, but it says your CD player is possessed by Amanojaku, or "audio demon." You should light three candles and pray to Benzaiten, the god of music.

Mike

From Me to Scott *******:

Scott? Were you able to banish the audio demon? Phone Post
4/25/12 4:37 PM
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Talmo
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I went through them all without breaking down and laughing hysterically until I came across the Japanese translation.

Pure gold.
4/25/12 5:30 PM
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Blackbeltpanda
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That was amazing. Phone Post
4/25/12 5:57 PM
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ZeRoTZ
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Talmo - I went through them all without breaking down and laughing hysterically until I came across the Japanese translation.

Pure gold.
That's brand new.. Just came out today.. Lol Phone Post
4/25/12 6:27 PM
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ZeRoTZ
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From: David Thorne Date: Wednesday 30 September 2009 6.04pm To: Peter Williams Subject: Inspection Report

Dear Peter,

Thankyou for the surprise inspection and invitation to participate in the next. I appreciate you underlining the text at the bottom of the page which I would otherwise have surely mistaken for part of the natural pattern in the paper. I was going to clean the apartment but had so many things on my 'to do' list that I decided to treat them all equally and draw pictures of sharks instead. I have attached one for your honest appraisal.

Regards, David.


From: Peter Williams Date: Thursday 01 October 2009 9.41am To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Inspection Report

David

I recommed you take this matter more seriously. You were sent notice of the inspection as part of our normal procedure. In addition to the cleaning, the light fitting in the lounge room is broken and the apartment smells of smoke.

Peter

From: David Thorne Date: Thursday 01 October 2009 10.26am To: Peter Williams Subject: Re: Re: Inspection Report

Dear Peter,

The light fitting was the victim of a toy lightsabre being swung in a space too small to do the same with a cat. I dodged a leaping double handed overhead attack and the fitting, being fitted, didn't. I will grab a matching replacement $12 fitting from IKEA the next time I require a tiny ironing board or glass tea light.

The smell you mistook for cigarette smoke was probably just from the fog machine. Each Tuesday I hold a disco in my bedroom with strobe lighting and special guest. As my wardrobe door has a large mirror on it, it looks like someone is dancing with you. I once dressed as a lady and it was almost exactly what I imagine dancing with a real lady would be like. Unfortunately, I kept worrying about falling, hitting my head and being found dressed that way so she left after only a few dances and a brief kiss. You should come one night, it will be a dance spectacular. I imagine you are probably a good dancer because you are small and the smallest member of the Rocksteady Crew was definitely the best one.

Regards, David.

From: Peter Williams Date: Thursday 01 October 2009 1.16pm To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Inspection Report

David

I do not appreciate being called small and being sent stupid drawings of me being eaten by a shark. The apartment is to be cleaned and reinspected in two weeks time. You cant have a fog machine or anything like that at the apartment in case the smoke damages the walls.

Peter

From: David Thorne Date: Thursday 01 October 2009 4.02pm To: Peter Williams Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Inspection Report

Dear Peter,

I apologise for mentioning your smallness. It must be a subject most people you know avoid. Was it the Rocksteady Crew comment or the fact that the shark was actually very small in the picture, making you, in comparison, the size of a very small fish? I have attached a revised version which you can print out, pin to your cubicle wall, look at whenever you are feeling down and think "That Volkswagen looks way too small for me to get into, I must be huge."

Regards, David. Phone Post
4/25/12 6:28 PM
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ZeRoTZ
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From: Peter Williams Date: Thursday 01 October 2009 5.12pm To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Inspection Report

David

Do not send me anymore drawings. I am not joking. I am keeping a record of everything you send just so you know. If the apartment is not clean when we reinspect in two weeks time, we will consider terminating the lease as we have also had ongoing noise complaints regarding the premises.

Peter

From: David Thorne Date: Thursday 01 October 2009 6.27pm To: Peter Williams Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Inspection Report

Dear Peter,

Yes, I find loud music helps me relax while I clean as the music distracts me so much that I stop cleaning. Which is relaxing. I will probably get onto it this week though as I do not wish to be evicted. I have developed a severe case of agoraphobia and residing in an apartment where I can reach all four walls while standing in the one spot brings me a feeling of security and the daily culling of plague proportion cockroaches gives me something to do in my spare time. I class the eighteen cans of surface spray I use per week as sporting equipment.

I purchased one of those electronic things that plugs into the wall which is meant to scare cockroaches by sending a pulse through the apartment wiring but while it has reduced the numbers, it seems others have evolved to feed off the electrical signal, increasing their size. I am using one as a coffee table in the lounge and two smaller ones as side tables in the bedroom. They would probably be susceptible to carbon monoxide poisoning though so I will try running a hose pipe from my car exhaust to the apartment, closing the windows and leaving the vehicle running overnight. It is apparently an odourless gas so should not prove an issue for my son's cub group sleepover.

Also, I read somewhere once that cockroaches can survive a nuclear attack so I have been collecting the dead ones and intend to glue several thousand to the walls thereby ensuring my survival should Cyberdyne Systems become self aware between now and when the lease runs out.

Regards, David.

From: Peter Williams Date: Friday 02 October 2009 10.18am To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Inspection Report

I am not going to waste my time reading any more of your stupid nonsense. Clean the property or we will terminate the lease - the choice is yours. Do not email me again unless it is of a serious matter.

Peter

From: David Thorne Date: Friday 02 October 2009 10.36am To: Peter Williams Subject: Nom nom nom

Phone Post
4/25/12 6:54 PM
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ZeRoTZ
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Ttt Phone Post
4/25/12 6:56 PM
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Ryan Dunphy
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In Phone Post
4/25/12 9:13 PM
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namrepus
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Hilarious! Phone Post

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