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OtherGround Forums >> Mike the craigslist troll (pic)


2/26/12 5:15 AM
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CavemanDave
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GLORIOUS
2/26/12 5:24 AM
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Jons Forsberg
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lmfao!
2/26/12 6:15 AM
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Roman Monstrum
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Got to share this, all gold! Phone Post
2/26/12 6:27 AM
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The SmackDown
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 Oh man, that one about the tv and getting lost had me dying over here....good stuff
2/26/12 6:39 AM
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ZeRoTZ
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Comatose Grandma Sitter

Posted at: 2009-06-09 01:58:37

What a bitch!

Original ad: hi there i am a 22 year old female babysitter looking for a job. i am available pretty much all the time so if you need someone to look after your kid, let me know!

From Timmy Tucker to **********@***********.org

Hey,

I saw your ad about babysitting and am very interested. My grandmother is in the hospital and is probably going to die. She is never awake when I am there, and the doctors say she is only awake for about 5 minutes every couple of days. The problem is, I need her to sign a re-drafted will I wrote so I can get all of her stuff when she dies. Right now she has all of her money going to my bitch sister and her family. I don't have the time to sit there and watch her all day because I have better things to do. I need you to sit at the hospital and watch her in case she wakes up, and then make her sign the will. I will pay you $10 an hour for this job.

Thanks,

Tim

From ***********@gmail.com to Me

no thanks that is sick! show some sympathy you prick!

From Timmy Tucker to **********@gmail.com

Obviously I am not offering you enough money. I will pay you $15 an hour, but in return I need you to unplug her life support after you get her to sign the will.

From ***********@gmail.com to Me

YOU ARE FUCKING SICK I HOPE YOU BURN IN HELL

From Timmy Tucker to **********@gmail.com

You clearly do not have the right mindset to enter the fast-paced industry of babysitting. I will find a babysitter that has a little bit more balls than you.

From ***********@gmail.com to Me

FUCK OFF Phone Post
2/26/12 6:41 AM
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ZeRoTZ
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Turtle Sandbox

Posted at: 2009-06-09 01:46:23

From Timmy Tucker to ***********@**********.org RE: Swingset Assembly

Hey,

I saw you are looking for someone to assemble your wooden swing set. First off, I must say that a swing set is a horrible toy for a child. I had a swing set as a kid, and broke three of my ribs and tore my ACL on it. My career in little league soccer was ruined. I recommend that you get your child a sandbox. I have an old sandbox that I am not using, and would be willing to sell to you for $300. It is an awesome sandbox. It is shaped like a turtle, and the lid is part of the turtle too. It comes with beautiful sand filled from a beach on Coney Island, NY. Let me know if you are interested.

Tim

From John ******** to Me

i dont want your sandbox. i already bought the swingset for my kid and am sticking with that. its your own damn fault you got hurt on your swingset

From Timmy Tucker to John ******

John,

Actually it is not my fault. The swingset had a faulty design and the swing came off while I was in the air, and I was sent flying into oncoming traffic. I am lucky to be alive. If you do not want your son mangled by a Dodge Caravan, then you should buy my sandbox instead. Sandboxes are 100% safe.

Tim

From John ******** to Me

fuck your sandbox. i want my kid to have fun, not to sit in some dirty ass sand from new york. i am not an idiot and will not set up my swingset where my child can be thrown into oncoming traffic.

From Timmy Tucker to John ******

Well it sounds like you won't set up your swingset at all without my help. Are you a quadriplegic? Why are you incapable of putting a swingset together?

If you are a quadriplegic and I have offended you, I am sorry. In that case, would you be interested in my sandbox for your crippled body to relax in?Seeing as you can't use the swingset anyway, it would be way more practical for you.

From John ******** to Me

FUCK OFF STOP EMAILING ME Phone Post
2/26/12 6:42 AM
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ZeRoTZ
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Kittens for my Tiger

Posted at: 2009-06-09 02:00:01

Original ad: litter of 6 kittens up for adoption! they are all 3 weeks old and are looking for a good home. contact if interested.

From Mike Hunt to *********@***********.org

Hi,

I am interested in taking all six kittens off of your hands. How much do you want for them?

Mike

From Shannon ******* to Me

Mike,

Are you going to take care of all of these kittens? I want to make sure they all find a good home, and was expecting to sell them one at a time. Are you able to house all six of them?

From Mike Hunt to Shannon *******

Shannon,

To be honest, I own a pet Bengal Tiger and he is on a strict diet of cats. I usually feed him one cat every couple of days, so this litter should hold him over for a while. Don't worry though, I'll take good care of the kittens until I feed them to him.

Mike

From Shannon ******* to Me

That is horrible! You will not get a single kitten from me. I really hope you are not serious.

From Mike Hunt to Shannon *******

Shannon,

I was kidding. I seriously need all six kittens though. Disregard anything I said about a tiger.

From Shannon ******* to Me

NO. Phone Post
2/26/12 6:48 AM
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GapingAxeWound
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Holy fucking LOL at the sandbox one Phone Post
2/26/12 7:09 AM
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dannyapodaca
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sub
2/26/12 7:50 AM
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ZeRoTZ
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Spacious Studio Apartment

Posted at: 2011-02-10 14:39:39

Original ad: Hello. I am a responsible young professional looking to sublet a studio or 1 br apt in or around East village. I am looking to move in on Mar 15. 2000/mo is my budget. Thans

From Me to **********@********.org:

Hey,

I am leaving for London on business and need to sublet my studio apartment immediately. It is a beautiful spacious apartment in the East Village (near Tompkins Square Park). Rent is $1750/month and you can move in as soon as February 25th. Please let me know if you are interested.

Regards,

Mike

From Ari ****** to Me:

Hi Mike thanks for responding. A few questions: how big is the apt? how long can is the lease til? do you have any pics or a floor plan? I want to move in on mar 15- is that ok?

From Me to Ari ******:

March 15th is fine with me. The apartment is 370 square feet. I don't have any pictures, but I have included a floor plan to give you an idea of the layout of the apartment. The lease is up in November 2011, but you have the option to renew if you wish. Please let me know if you have any more questions about the apartment.

Mike

Attachments:

http://dontevenreply.com/images/floorplan.jpg

From Ari ****** to Me:

Mike did you send me the wrong plan or is there really a pool in your apartment.

From Me to Ari ******:

Oh, yes. I should have mentioned the pool. I had an exercise pool installed in the apartment because I was training for a swimming marathon. It is a really nice pool. It is 39 inches deep with powerful jets and a vinyl liner. The pool is great if you like to swim.

Mike

From Ari ****** to Me:

Thats a pretty important thing to forget to mention, doncha think?! It takes up the whole f-ing apartment! How is there no bathroom?? Where am I supposed to shower and sleep? Phone Post
2/26/12 7:51 AM
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ZeRoTZ
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From Me to Ari ******:

I know, it is a really nice pool. I usually use the kitchen as the bathroom. You can either pee in the sink, or out the window. The window overlooks an alley behind 5th St, and most of the time nobody walks below you. Even if you do piss on someone, you are on the 7th floor so they will probably have no idea where it came from. By the time it hits them, you will most likely be zipped up and have the window shut. The sink has a garbage disposal in case you need to take a dump.

Showering? You don't need to shower -you have a pool! Just go for a swim any time you are trying to wash off.

Sleep? I've got that covered too. I have an extremely comfortable pool raft I sleep on. It is like sleeping on a waterbed! It has a couple of cup holders you can put your phone/keys/beer/whatever in. I'll include this with the apartment for an extra $10.

I am free tomorrow if you want to check the place out and fill out the sublet papers.

Mike

From Ari ****** to Me:

Hmm well yes that does sound nice, but I am looking for a place where I dont have to shit in my sink and sleep in a goddamn pool. Come on man! Good luck finding someone to rent you'll need it!

From Me to Ari ******:

You don't have to shit in the sink, it is just an option. You can also shit out the window, or shit in a bucket next to the window and dump it out the window. There is an Indian restaurant that backs up to the alley, so it already smells like shit down there.

At least come over and try my raft before you decide that sleeping in a pool is a bad thing. I'll even throw in a couple of pool noodles for free.

Mike

From Ari ****** to Me:

Stop trying to sell me your POS apartment, if you can even call it that. You know what makes an apartment an apartment? A bed. Bathroom. Furnature. NOT A FUCKING POOL.

Why am I arguing with you? This is fucking ridiculous. Conversation over.

From Me to Ari ******:

Why are you so afraid of sleeping in this pool? Be honest, do you not know how to swim? If so, I can give you the number of a good lifeguard I know.

From Ari ****** to Me:

Shut the hell up. I hope you drown in your pool! Phone Post
2/26/12 7:54 AM
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Don_Dada
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More Phone Post
2/26/12 7:56 AM
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ZeRoTZ
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Football Sunday

Posted at: 2010-10-18 12:18:46

Original ad: New church in need of an LCD projector for our Sunday services. We do not have tax exempt status but the donation should be out of the goodness of your heart.

From me to *********@*********.org:

Hey there! Are you still looking for a projector?

Mike

From Maria ******** to Me:

Yes.

From Me to Maria ********:

Well Maria, get ready to completely change the way your churchgoers go to church! What I am offering is a Multimedia Home Theater Projector system by JVC. It projects a beautiful 1920 x 1080 high-definition picture that will show the big game as if it was projected by the eyes of the lord. You can project on a screen as big as 16 feet, which comes in handy for those old folks in the back of the church that are still trying to watch the game. Powered by a 200W UHP lamp, it will be like the image was projected by the blinding light of salvation. Comes with HDMI inputs so you can hook it right up to a hi-def box!

Personally, I think it is about goddamn time you guys started showing the game during mass. I can't tell you how many Eagles games I missed as a kid when my parents made me go to church.

Let me know if you are interested in this badass projector, or if you want to hear any more specs.

Mike

From Maria ******** to Me:

The projector is not for football. We need to project our morning worship service to our silent room for people with infants.

Are you donating this projector?

From Me to Maria ********:

No, this isn't exactly a donation. Who are you kidding, though? You guys don't even have tax exempt status. Why would anyone donate?

Don't worry. I have come up with a plan that will have this projector in your church in no time. I am asking for $2500 for the projector. This should be very easy to pay off if you use the collection money for mass this Sunday. I have to imagine you guys pull in at least that much each service. When people find out you will be showing the games, I bet you will draw in an even larger audience, and more donations. This projector will practically pay for itself almost immediately.

From all the money you will be raking in, I believe it can help turn your church into something awesome. I am also offering a 1000 watt surround sound system that you can install in the church. Every play will be heard in deafening sound as if it was told from the lord. Your churchgoers will feel like they are actually at the game!

If that isn't enough, you can use the new found collection money to replace all of your benches with leather recliners. The possibilities are endless. We can even install some kegs at the front of the church.

Thou shall not pass up on this HD projector and sound system!

Mike

From Maria ******** to Me:

Shame on you for expecting me to abuse the church collections. Mass is a time to celebrate the divine sacrifice, not football. The thought of abusing the collections for such a purpose is disgusting and downright offensive. We will not be needing a projector from you, thank you.

From Me to Maria ********:

I wouldn't consider it "abusing" the collections. I would consider it a small investment to boost donations in the long run. You will get a shitload more donations if people knew it was going for a good cause, like a HD projector and recliners for the games on Sunday. I would much rather donate for that instead of having my donation money used in an out-of-court settlement for a child molestation lawsuit.

From Maria ******** to Me:

How dare you! You've got some nerve. This conversation is over. Phone Post
2/26/12 8:05 AM
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Jack Carter
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Funniest thread in a while! Phone Post
2/26/12 8:15 AM
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ZeRoTZ
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Incompetent Phone Repairman

Posted at: 2011-05-01 21:53:01

Original ad: PHONE BROKEN? NO PROBLEM! ***PHONE REPAIRS*** We can fix any phone problem, and fast! Have your phone fixed while you wait. Water damage? No problem. Cracked screen? No problem. Low prices! Customer satisfaction is our priority. We are located off of Rt 3 near Upper Darby.

From Me to ***********@*********.org:

Hi there,

I'm not sure what happened, but my phone simply stopped working last night. I was talking on it and it suddenly shut off and won't turn on. Do you think you would be able to repair it?

Mike

From Will ******* to Me:

We most certainly can fix it. What kind of phone is it?

From Me to Will *******:

Oh, I'm not sure...I'm not too good when it comes to technology. If I took a picture of the phone, would you be able to tell?

From Will ******* to Me:

Yes. Or you could check near the battery cover and find the model number.

From Me to Will *******:

I'm not sure how to get to the battery cover. I'll just send you a picture of it:

http://dontevenreply.com/images/phone.gif

Mike

From Will ******* to Me:

Holy Christ! What the hell did you do to that thing?!

From Me to Will *******:

I'm not sure...I think I might have dropped it.

Mike

From Will ******* to Me:

...into a fire?!?!?!

From Me to Will *******:

No, I think I'd remember if that happened. So when can I bring it in to your shop?

Mike

From Will ******* to Me:

Seriously? We can't fix that, it is burned to a damn crisp! FYI that is a Blackberry, and you may as well buy a new one - that one is ruined.

From Me to Will *******:

This is an outrage. Allow me to quote your ad: "we can fix any phone problem."

Why can't you fix mine? Is this your idea of "customer satisfaction" ?

Mike

From Will ******* to Me:

Look, asshole, most phone problems are cracked screens and water damage, which we can fix. What are we supposed to do with a melted hunk of plastic that used to be a phone?

From Me to Will *******:

You tell me. You're supposed to be the expert. Perhaps you should change the wording of your ad so you stop tricking people into thinking you can fix their phones when you can't.

Mike

From Will ******* to Me:

Perhaps you should go fuck yourself. Phone Post
2/26/12 8:22 AM
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ZeRoTZ
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Dishwasher Confusion

Posted at: 2010-10-21 09:16:27

Original ad: I need a dishwasher dont care what color so long as it is a good working dishwasher that is cheap. I have a truck and can pick it up if necessary.

From me to ********@*********.org:

Hello! My name Miguel, I am good working dishwasher. I work at Ricardo's Pizza as dishwasher for 5 years- me top dishwasher. Leave your dishes very clean and work for cheap. I have no driving license. You pick up, yes?

Miguel

From John ******* to Me:

haha I want a dishwashing machine not a person who washes dishes. thanks though.

From Me to John *******:

Yes, I wash dishes like machine...even better! You want, yes?

From John ******* to Me:

No! No want!

I want THIS

http://dontevenreply.com/images/dishwasher.gif

That is called a DISHWASHER. I don't want a porto rican who washes dishes!

From Me to John *******:

Oh noooo, I no Puerto Rican. Puerto Ricans very bad dishwashers - no work ethic. I Mexican - very good work ethic! You no worry, Miguel wash all dishes on time, with pride!

Is that your dishwash machine? I use sink and soap but can use machine too.

Miguel

From John ******* to Me:

NO dude I want to BUY a machine. i dont know if i can be any clearer. you dont understand me do you?

From Me to John *******:

No worry, I leave dishes clear, clean and sparkle!

Miguel

From John ******* to Me:

dude you obviously have trouble reading english. here. i used a translater.

NO QUIERO CONTRATARLE. QUIERO COMPRAR UNA APLICACIÓN DEL LAVAPLATOS.

you comprende?

From Me to John *******:

que?

From John ******* to Me:

oh for crying out fucking loud dude why did i even bother

fuck this Phone Post
2/26/12 8:28 AM
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screwthe49ers
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Sub Phone Post
2/26/12 8:41 AM
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Atomic
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. Phone Post
2/26/12 8:48 AM
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Mr Sponge
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Ttt Phone Post
2/26/12 9:46 AM
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ZeRoTZ
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Lol.... Jumanji.....


My New Jogging Partner

Posted at: 2011-01-03 21:06:38

Original ad: i want to get back into shape and am looking for a jogging partner. i always run better if i can keep the pace with someone else as i am sure other fellow runners know. i only work afternoons so i can run during the morning or night, doesnt matter much to me. shoot me an email if you want to be running partners

From Me to *************@*******.org:

Dear New Running Partner,

Hello! My name is Mustafi Chukwuemeka Adetokunbo, but my friends call me Wuemeka. I have just moved to Philadelphia from Kenya and I too am looking for a running partner. I run for twelve miles every morning, and another eight at night. I now run a 4 minute mile. I know this is slow, but no worry, I am aiming to run a 3:50 mile by next month. I most look forward to running with you, my new friend! Please respond with your contact information and where you would like to run. I am not so acquainted with Philadelphia, but I would prefer to run in densely forested areas if you know of any.

Run with you soon,

Wuemeka

From Steve ***** to Me:

wow man are you for real? theres no frickin way i can run a 4 minute mile!!!!!!!

From Me to Steve *****::

Dear Steve,

I am sorry to hear you cannot run a 4 minute mile. I can slow down my pace if you would like. How does a 4 minute 30 second mile sound?

Warm regards,

Wuemeka

From Steve ***** to Me:

HAH! dude i can run a 9 minute mile on a good day. thats it. im not training for the freaking olympics here...

From Me to Steve *****::

Nine minutes? Why are you so slow, friend? Nine minutes! Man oh man, is that slow! In my country, you would not survive! You would be eaten by a lion or speared by a rhino! I am very sorry for you my friend. You remind me of my last running partner Jumu, he was eaten by a cheetah!

Good day to you,

Wuemeka

From Steve ***** to Me:

yeah well this isnt africa this is PHILLY. we have crackheads here, not rhinos or cheetahs or elephants and we sure as shit dont have rainforests. come on man are you stupid?

From Me to Steve *****::

I am not stupid, you are the stupid one my friend! We will see who is the stupid one when you are being chased by a lion! We have a word for fools like you in Kenya - KUMAMAKO!

From Steve ***** to Me:

leave me the fuck alone jumanji! Phone Post
2/26/12 9:49 AM
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ZeRoTZ
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Lmao..

Rude Phone Salesman

Posted at: 2010-12-05 23:25:01

Original ad: White iPhone 3G network 16 gig for sale - great condition comes with usb/home charger and screen protection case. $350 *******@gmail.com

From Me to *******@gmail.com (Dec 6 9:38 PM):

Hey,

Is your iPhone still available?

Mike

From *******@gmail.com to Me (Dec 7 3:24 AM):

yes.

From Me to *******@gmail.com (Dec 7 3:25 AM):

What the hell is wrong with you? Do you have any idea what time it is?

From *******@gmail.com to Me (Dec 7 3:29 AM):

uh...its like 3:30. whats the problem?

From Me to *******@gmail.com (Dec 7 3:34 AM):

Yeah, 3:30 in the morning, prick! Both my wife and I have to get up for work at 6 and you just woke us up. My wife suffers from sleep anxiety and probably won't be able to fall back asleep. Couldn't this have waited until the morning?

From *******@gmail.com to Me (Dec 7 3:37 AM):

how is that my fault? its not like i called you. i just got home from the bar and saw your email so i responded. its email...who cares what time it is? how could that wake you up?

From Me to *******@gmail.com (Dec 7 3:42 AM):

Oh, so in your drunken stupor you decided it would be a good idea to wake up my entire family at 3:30 in the morning? I have my computer hooked up to a 7.1 surround sound system, and Outlook plays a sound every time I receive an e-mail. It damn near rattled the house when you sent it. You woke up our three month old baby and now he is crying.

I have a meeting with some big-time clients today, and now I am going to be falling asleep in the meeting. Thanks a lot, douchebag.

From *******@gmail.com to Me (Dec 7 3:44 AM):

hey look faggot its not my fucking fault you leave your computer on loud as fuck in the middle of the night. you must be real fuckin dumb. you have a baby and a wife with sleep problems and you think that is a good idea? fuck you guy

From Me to *******@gmail.com (Dec 7 3:48 AM):

I don't like your attitude, pal. First you wake up my entire family, and now you curse me out? This is unacceptable. By the way, my wife was so distraught from you waking her up that she accidentally microwaved our baby's milk too long. The baby was scalded with burning hot milk, and now we have to go to the hospital. I hope you are happy with yourself. Is this how you normally sell iPhones on the internet?

From *******@gmail.com to Me (Dec 7 3:55 AM):

yes, i always sell phones by waking up idiot families and burning babies with milk...NO

boy are you fucking retarded! fyi this is the first and last time i will ever try selling something online, now i know why peope dont use this shit- because only RETARDS use it! Phone Post
2/26/12 9:50 AM
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Darth_Vladar
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Lol!!! Phone Post
2/26/12 10:23 AM
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Don_Dada
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 lol rude phone salesman was a good one, awesome troll.
2/26/12 10:26 AM
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mma shill
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Lulz Phone Post
2/26/12 11:00 AM
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ZeRoTZ
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Bump Phone Post

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