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2/26/12 11:22 AM
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ZeRoTZ
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Holy shit Lmao.

Angry TV Buyer

Posted at: 2010-09-12 10:44:50

Original ad: i want a flatscreen tv. at least 40 inches and under $500. hit me up if you got what i want

From Me to ***********@**********.org:

Hey,

I am selling my 42" Westinghouse plasma TV for $400. It is in excellent condition. I'm just selling it because I got a bigger one and don't need this one anymore. Let me know if you are interested.

Mike

From jim ****** to Me:

yeah man thats perfect. ill buy that as soon as possible. would you be able to bring it to my house? i dont have a car. im home pretty much all day every day

you can call me if you want 610-***-****

From me to jim ******:

No problem, Jim. I could bring it by tomorrow after work. Are you sure you want to buy it though? I don't want to bring it there and have you decide you don't want to buy it.

Mike

From jim ****** to Me:

no i definitely want it. just bring it over man

my address is 415 ********* rd, ******, PA just call me if you have any trouble

From me to jim ******:

Okay, I'll be over tomorrow.

From me to jim ******:

Jim,

I'm very sorry I was unable to make it to your house today. I had the TV loaded in the back of my pickup truck, and I was all set to go to your house. I just decided to make a quick stop in Chester to buy some stuff from a friend, and when I got back to my truck, the TV was gone. I can't figure out what the hell happened to it. I'm thinking maybe I hit a bump and it slid out of the truck, because I do forget to close my tailgate sometimes. I don't really remember if it was in the truck when I parked it, so I am baffled.

Anyway, this is totally my fault. Seeing as how I promised you a TV and lost it, I am going to help you out. I signed you up for a 2 year subscription to Plasma TV Enthusiasts Weekly. It is an excellent magazine that will give you a lot of information on plasma TVs to help you make the right decision when buying one. It is normally $84.99 a year, but I hooked you up with my referrer discount so it will only cost you $63.50 a year. I had it sent and billed to the address you gave me, and you should get your first one in a week or two.

Once again, I am very sorry that I lost the TV that I was going to sell you, but hopefully this magazine can help you out.

Mike Phone Post
2/26/12 11:22 AM
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ZeRoTZ
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From jim ****** to Me:

are you out of your fuckin mind i dont want any fuckin magazines!!! what the fuck.. you better fuckin cancel that shit. what the fuck were you thinking dude, im not paying for that you fuckin dumbass

From jim ****** to Me:

and its obvious YOUR TV WAS STOLEN YOU FUCKIN RETARD. why the FUCK would you leave a tv in the back of your truck in chester?

cancel the fuckin magazines..NOW.

From me to jim ******:

Jim,

Why do you want me to cancel the magazines? It is a great magazine and I got you a great deal for it. You won't find it cheaper anywhere else. Also, to put it frankly, if you were going to buy a Westinghouse plasma TV from me without even looking at it, then it is clear you still have a lot to learn about plasma TVs. Reading this magazine will make you an expert in no time.

Mike

From jim ****** to Me:

you fuckin asshole i dont want to pay for some stupid magazine! i just want a goddamn tv. who the fuck would want to read a fuckin weekly magazine about tvs?! cancel it right now. im serious

From me to jim ******:

Jim,

I'm sorry you feel that way about the magazine. I was just trying to help. Unfortunately I cannot cancel the magazine. When I signed you up on the phone, they gave me a confirmation number I could use to cancel the subscription. I couldn't find a piece of paper to write it on, so I wrote the number on a napkin. I think I accidentally used the napkin to wipe my face after eating wings last night, and then threw it out. I'd look through the trash to find it for you, but the garbage truck already picked it up this morning. I think they take it to the dump/recycling center in Media if you want to go look for it. It was a napkin from Taco Bell, if that helps. I usually get all my napkins there.

If you think it would be easier, you could just cancel it once you get your first magazine in the mail. You'll probably be billed for the first month, plus a $75 cancellation fee because I didn't sign you up for cancellation insurance. I just assumed you would want to keep the magazine.

Mike

From jim ****** to Me:

i cant believe i just read all that shit because i should have known from the first few lines that you were a fuckin idiot

i dont care if you have to blow the fuckin editor, you better find a way to get it cancelled because i am not spending a goddamn nickel on that magazine! Phone Post
2/26/12 11:23 AM
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ZeRoTZ
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From me to jim ******:

Jim,

If you don't pay for it, that may screw up your credit. I remember one time I forgot to pay my TV guide subscription for about 14 months, and that really messed up my credit. I had trouble buying a house because of that. You should be careful.

Since you seem to not know a lot about the importance of your credit, I signed you up for a year subscription of In Debt Weekly, a great magazine that can teach you a lot about credit. Don't worry, I got you the same discount as before, and this magazine is actually a little bit cheaper. It is only $34.99 a year. It came with a discounted subscription to Card Times, another magazine about credit cards. That one is only $25 per year, so I signed you up for that as well. It is a decent magazine for the price.

Mike

From jim ****** to Me:

GL4KJHSGSKFKJS YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE STOP SIGNING ME UP FOR FUCKING MAGAZINES!!!!

CANCEL THOSE RIGHT NOW MOTHERFUCKER!!!!

From me to jim ******:

Jim,

There is no need for that kind of language. Please do not talk to me anymore.

Unless you would be interested in a subscription to Anger Management Journal. I can sign you up for that if you want to learn how to control your temper.

Mike

From jim ****** to Me:

FUCK YOU Phone Post
2/26/12 11:24 AM
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Dougie
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TTTeh
2/26/12 11:27 AM
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Attack Dawg
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ZeRoTZ - I just re-read the cd player one and I'm literally on tears, Lmao Phone Post
Me too!! I can't stop!!!! Phone Post
2/26/12 11:32 AM
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Mr_Quail
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 Made this thread like a montha go and got like 3 replies.

*sits in the corner sulking*
2/26/12 11:36 AM
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ZeRoTZ
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Kitten Rescue

Posted at: 2010-08-12 14:37:56

Warning: The following post contains graphic images. If you are offended by the sight of food-dye, corn syrup, and ground beef, you may not want to read this.

Original ad: Humane "hav a heart" traps for kittens needed There are some kittens in my neighborhood that need to find good homes. I need a trap 4 the cats to help bring them in. Please email me if you have a trap (and a heart)!

From Me to *********@********.org:

Hello,

Are you still looking for a trap for cats?

Mike

From Deb ******* to Me:

Yes I am can you help me?

From Me to Deb *******:

I most certainly can! I believe this trap is for those who want to "have a heart." I used it to catch a stray cat that kept coming into my garage. It is called the KittyHugger. All you have to do is put some cat food on the trigger, and when the cat comes to eat it, the trap gently contracts into a hugging position and comfortably hugs the cat until you come back to deal with the little guy. Please let me know if this will work.

Mike

From Deb ******* to Me:

Mike- I have never heard of a trap like that. I was referring to the "Havahart" traps...you know like the cages for animals?? Do you have any pictures of the trap? I'd like to see how it works before I get it. Thanks. Phone Post
2/26/12 11:38 AM
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ZeRoTZ
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From Deb ******* to Me:

Mike- I have never heard of a trap like that. I was referring to the "Havahart" traps...you know like the cages for animals?? Do you have any pictures of the trap? I'd like to see how it works before I get it. Thanks.

From Me to Deb *******:

Absolutely. I've attached a picture of it. Sorry if it is a little messy; I haven't cleaned the trap in a while.

Attachment :

http://dontevenreply.com/images/kittyhugger.jpg

From Deb ******* to Me:

YOU'RE SICK!

From Me to Deb *******:

Excuse me?

From Deb ******* to Me:

You killed that poor cat OMG

From Me to Deb *******:

I didn't kill the cat. I told you it was a little messy. The last cat I caught knocked over the bowl of juice I gave him so he wouldn't get thirsty. As you can see, it made quite the mess. I assure you this trap is 100% safe and humane.

From Deb ******* to Me:

IT OBVIOUSLY IS NOT SAFE. IT IS COVERED IN BLOOD

From Me to Deb *******:

You've clearly never seen a juice spill before. You have a twisted imagination if you think that is blood. I guess you don't want the trap.

Before you give up on me, I have one more trap you may be interested in. I actually think it is one of those Have a Heart traps you were talking about, though I've never heard it called that.

Please see the attachments. As you can see from the pictures, the kitty will have plenty of room to be safe and comfortable. It comes with a black tube at the end that is used to pump warm air into the cage to keep him warm while he waits to be released.

I'm sorry I didn't have time to clean the trap. It is still a little messy because the last cat I had in there spilled his bowl of juice and his cat food. It went everywhere!

Mike

Attachment:
http://dontevenreply.com/images/havaheart.jpg
http://dontevenreply.com/images/havaheart2.jpg

From Deb ******* to Me:

Wow can't you read the ad you sick jerk?I DON'T WANT TO KILL THEM

How you managed to turn that trap into a bloody mess is a mystery to me but keep the hell away from me!!! Phone Post
2/26/12 11:43 AM
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Fathead D
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 ttt
2/26/12 12:01 PM
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ZeRoTZ
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The Car Crusher

Posted at: 2010-07-12 19:08:04

Original ad: i need my 89 dodge shadow towed to a car crusher asap. there are a few crushers in the area so get at me with a price and contact info

From Me to *********@*************.org:

Hello,

Do you still need your car crushed?

Mike

From Jeff ******* to Me:

yes

From Me to Jeff *******:

Well Jeff, how would you like to have your car crushed by a REAL LIVE MONSTER TRUCK?!

That's right, for only $20 you can witness the ULTIMATE DESTRUCTION AND CARNAGE of your 1989 Dodge Shadow being CRUSHED INTO OBLIVION!!!

Our CHEVY KILLVERADO is bringin' the pain on top of 66 inches of DOOM-BRINGING TIRES and will leave your car COMPLETELY ANNIHILATED.

Please let me know when you are ready to BRING ON THE DESTRUCTION!

Mike

From Jeff ******* to Me:

are you serious

From Me to Jeff *******:

YOU BET YOUR ASS I'M SERIOUS!

The only question is, are you serious about your car being SERIOUSLY SMASHED INTO SMITHEREENS?!

Mike

From Jeff ******* to Me:

is it being crushed at a demolition derby or something?

From Me to Jeff *******:

No! You will have the honor of witnessing it being obliterated, LIVE AND IN PERSON, right in your front yard! No unnecessary travel to a stadium - stadiums are for PUSSIES!

Mike

From Jeff ******* to Me:

why the hell would i want to do that?then id have a pile of shit in my lawn that would be even harder to get rid of

From Me to Jeff *******:

No need to worry about cleanup! The Killverado will PULVERIZE YOUR CAR INTO A PILE OF DUST!

From Jeff ******* to Me:

no it wont. are you an idiot?

From Me to Jeff *******:

Do not underestimate the DESTRUCTIVE POWER of the KILLVERADO!

Tell you what, if you decide to do it in the next ten minutes, your kids can witness the devastation for JUST FIVE DOLLARS.

YOU'D HAVE TO BE A PUSSY TO TURN THIS OFFER DOWN!

Mike

From Jeff ******* to Me:

no id have to be a retard to let some idiot come run over my car with his stupid truck! what the hell wrong with you? dont email me again ya jackass! Phone Post
2/26/12 12:05 PM
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ZeRoTZ
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Might be best one yet, lol. Be sure to check the links...


Fake Invoice

Posted at: 2010-06-29 08:20:54

Original ad: ATTENTION: anyone who owns an auto repair shop i need a fake invoice printed up for a bunch of car work so i can explain to my wife where our $1200 went. if you can print out an invoice with a bunch of repair stuff that would cost around that, please contact me ASAP.

From Me to *********@********.org:

Hey, are you still looking to get a fake invoice? I run a repair shop off of 95 in Essington and could easily print something out for you.

Mike

From Dave ******** to Me:

yea dude that would be great. it needs to be for like $1200 but your a mechanic im sure you can think of something that costs that much. essington is kinda out of my way so i just need a good reason for my wife that explains why i was down there, ya hear?

From Me to Dave ********:

Alright, I can print one out in a few minutes and scan it for you. As for your wife, just tell her you were on your way to Chester to buy drugs and your car broke down, so you just had it towed to the nearest shop. Be sure to mention how great our service was.

Mike

From Dave ******** to Me:

yeah great idea genius that would go over real well. im better off coming clean about my bad luck in atlantic city, but that aint happenin neither

From Me to Dave ********:

I don't see why it wouldn't go over well. Lots of people go out of their way to Chester for drugs. I get my coke from Chester all of the time. It is cheap, and good, too.

Anyway, I've attached the invoice I wrote up for you. I forgot to ask the Make/Model/Year of your car, so I just took a guess. If I am wrong, let me know and I can change it.

Mike

Attachment:

From Dave ******** to Me:

if you guessed 98 corolla then id be impressed otherwise could you put that in, and date it for today? thanks a lot for your help dude Phone Post
2/26/12 12:07 PM
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ZeRoTZ
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^^^attachment link
http://dontevenreply.com/images/invoice.png

From Dave ******** to Me:

wait a minute what the fuck is this shit

From Dave ******** to Me:

$200 to unjam a tape deck are you for real man? that isnt even a real problem what the fuck is a "transgasket differential" are you serious dude, this shit isnt going to fly. 50 bucks to set the dashboard clock wtf man

like seriously man are you fucking retarded? wtf is this bullshit

From Me to Dave ********:

Yes, I typically charge around $200 to unjam a tape deck. Have you ever tried to do it? It is a pain in the ass. Some people panic and try to rewind their tapes and that just makes it even worse.

I charge $50 to set the dashboard clock, but it is well worth every penny. It is the most accurate time reading you will ever have. I sync it down to the millisecond with the official NIST time, and I have it verified by a certified time expert.

You've got me there on the transgasket differential. I just make that up and charge $400 for it and people usually pay it without much argument. Especially women, which brings me to my next point.

Women tend to know nothing about cars, so your wife will probably just look at the document and get confused by all that fancy car lingo. All women need to see is the money amount, which I have made very clear at the bottom of the invoice.

Mike

From Dave ******** to Me:

cmon man quit dicking me around and put some real shit on there. i dont know what kind of bullshit shop you are running over there, but neither me or my wife would believe this thing

and fix the car info. out of all the guesses you could have made you guessed that i drive a fucking delorean?for real dude?

From Me to Dave ********:

Sorry, you just struck me as the kind of guy who would have a DeLorean.

If you really think your wife isn't going to fall for that, I'll give you a more realistic looking document. Here is a realistic bank statement you can use to show your wife where your money went.

Mike

Attachment: http://dontevenreply.com/images/statement.png

From Dave ******** to Me:

wow thats great buddy thanks for nothing you fucking retard hey why dont you go fuck yourself in the ass with your transgasket differential. what a douchebag Phone Post
2/26/12 12:41 PM
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MakeMeBleed
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bro this thread is fucking GREAT man you need a blue name to post the pics and set this thing on fire hahhahahahaaa I am crying ova here
2/26/12 12:42 PM
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Fazzle
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Haha love it Phone Post
2/26/12 12:56 PM
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ZeRoTZ
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MakeMeBleed - bro this thread is fucking GREAT man you need a blue name to post the pics and set this thing on fire hahhahahahaaa I am crying ova here
Haha thanks.. Phone Post
2/26/12 12:59 PM
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ZeRoTZ
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Paying by Prayer

Posted at: 2010-06-27 23:42:57

Original ad: Help me! I'm in desperate need of a Blu-ray player. I don't have a lot of money so if you want to give me one for free, that would be great. In return I will say many prayers for you! Please e-mail me @ ***********@verizon.net

From Me to ***********@verizon.net:

Hey there,

I have an old Blu-Ray player I don't use anymore. Are you interested?

Mike

From Cathy ******** to Me:

Yes I am very much interested! What brand is the player and is it free?

From Me to Cathy ********:

Cathy,

It is a Samsung player, and whether it is free or not depends on you...how many prayers are we talking about here?

Mike

From Cathy ******** to Me:

I will say many prayers for you!

From Me to Cathy ********:

Yeah, I got that. Specifically, how many prayers? This Blu-Ray player wasn't cheap. I'm thinking, 50 Our Fathers and 50 Hail Marys every day for a year. Does that sound good?

Mike

From Cathy ******** to Me:

Mike, the quantity of prayers is not important - it is the sincerity and power of the prayer that matters. I will be genuinely thankful and show this through my prayers!

From Me to Cathy ********:

Sorry, but I'm not settling for anything less than 50 Our Fathers and 50 Hail Marys per day. The last guy I gave my plasma TV to gave me that "sincere prayer" crap but I don't it worked at all. My wife's breasts still aren't bigger and my lottery tickets still aren't winning. The only thing that matters is the amount of prayers that you say. It is your choice; 100 prayers a day or no blu-ray player.

Mike

From Cathy ******** to Me:

I think you are misunderstanding the purpose of prayer. Surely you can't expect me to say that many prayers - it would take all day!

From Me to Cathy ********:

I'm willing to cut you a deal, Cathy. I'll only ask for 50 prayers a day, but in return, you have to come say grace whenever I eat dinner. I'll accept you saying grace for me over the phone if I happen to be eating at a drive-thru fast food place.

I'll also throw in my copy of "Drag Me to Hell" on Blu-Ray.

Mike

From Cathy ******** to Me:

Please stop. You are being preposterous.

From Me to Cathy ********:

Cathy,

My apologies. I guess you are right, I am asking for a bit too much. Here's what I'll do. I'll go by what my priest made me do the last time I confessed to stealing a Blu-Ray player. He made me say 20 Hail Marys and 10 Our Fathers, but I think the Our Fathers were because I pistol-whipped a guy while I was stealing it. Since I didn't have to pistol-whip anyone this time, I'll give it to you for only 20 Hail Marys. How does this sound? This is practically face value in prayer.

Mike

From Cathy ******** to Me:

Oh my lord, you have lost your mind! I will get a bluray player elsewhere. Phone Post
2/26/12 1:10 PM
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Ram Rod
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Lol Phone Post
2/26/12 1:21 PM
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Burkey the Jock
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Sub Phone Post
2/26/12 1:45 PM
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ZeRoTZ
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Important Document

Posted at: 2010-06-10 19:20:18

Original ad: LOST DOCUMENT - PLEASE HELP We were travelling down Schuykill Rd between Schoolhouse Rd and Hares Hill when a very important document blew out the window. If you find this document please let us know ASAP!

From Me to ************@************.org:

Hello,

I saw that you lost your document on the road I live on, so I figured I'd go out and try to find it for you. I found several things that could be your document but due to your lack of details I am not sure if I have the right one or not.

Mike

From Jessica ****** to Me:

Can you please describe what you found! Thanks

J

From Me to Jessica ******:

Jessica,

Here are the three documents...I hope this helps:

The first document appears to be a receipt of some kind from McDonalds. It looks like the person paid for a McDouble and a small drink.

The second document is a page out of the Philadelphia Inquirer. It has the TV guide for the date of May 17th, 2010.

I can't quite figure out what the final document is...it is partially torn. On the front it says "NICKERS" and on the back there are some nutrition facts or something. It is very fancy paper - dark on one side and shiny on the other.

I hope one of these is your document so I can get it back to you safely.

Thanks,

Mike

From Jessica ****** to Me:

Great you found a receipt for food...a newspaper page...and a candy bar wrapper. Thanks a lot for the help jackass.

From Me to Jessica ******:

Well which one is yours?

Also, I found an empty coffee cup from Wawa if this helps.

Mike

From Jessica ****** to Me:

Do you honestly think any of that crap is what I am looking for??? Why would you even bother emailing me I swear to god

From Me to Jessica ******:

Well I wasn't too sure about the coffee cup, but I thought maybe you wanted the McDonalds receipt because I figured that anyone who is too cheap to pay for the extra piece of cheese, and opts for the McDouble instead of the Double Cheeseburger, would probably need that receipt to get some kind of tax deduction.

I also thought perhaps you were watching a really good movie on TV and wanted to know what it was called, which is why you would have needed the TV guide. I looked through the TV guide and saw that "The Hunt For Red October" was on that night...were you thinking of that? It was the movie about submarines.

As for the candy bar wrapper, I figured you were on a diet and needed to see how many calories the candy bar was so you could figure out what else you were allowed to eat for the day.

I was just trying to help. Maybe next time you should be more specific as to what the document is. If you are going to be ungrateful, then I am just going to throw these documents back into the street where I found them.

Mike

From Jessica ****** to Me:

None of those things are documents!! How stupid are you???? Phone Post
2/26/12 1:53 PM
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ZeRoTZ
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Hot Tub Repairman

Posted at: 2010-05-05 10:11:15

Original ad: We are in need of someone who can fix our hot tub. If you know what you are doing, it is probably a fairly easy fix. The hot tub is about 11 years old and has a cracked pipe and a broken pipe. Also, some of the jets are not working (may be related to the pipe). We will pay for the parts. Please respond with an estimate for the cost of labor.

From Me to ********@**********.org:

Hello,

I am a certified hot tub repair technician and would be happy to help fix your hot tub. Please let me know if you are still looking for someone.

Thanks,

Mike

From Ellen ****** to Me:

Mike,

How much will you charge to fix it?

Ellen

From Me to Ellen ******:

Helen,

It seems like a simple fix, but it will be time consuming. I could charge you money, but I am more interested in barter, if you are willing to hear me out.

Mike

From Ellen ****** to Me:

Mike,

What are you looking to barter?

ELLEN

From Me to Ellen ******:

Helen,

All I want in return for fixing your hot tub is to let me use it occasionally when I am on a date.

I find it much easier to get chicks from the bar to come back to my place if I tell them I have a hot tub. The problem is, I live in a basement apartment and do not have a hot tub. Hot tubs are great for getting chicks drunk; something about drinking in a hot tub makes them get completely shitfaced without even knowing it. I don't know the science behind it, but it is a proven fact that bitches get more drunk in a hot tub. Before you know it, these chicks are passed out drunk and ready to fuck.

Don't worry, I won't need to use your house or anything when I get my fuck on; I usually just bang them in the back of my truck and drop them off at a McDonalds.

So basically, in return for fixing your hot tub, all I ask is that you let me use it for 2-3 hours about four or five times a week.

Please let me know if this sounds fair to you.

Mike

From Ellen ****** to Me:

Absolutely not. Are you joking?

ELLEN

From Me to Ellen ******:

Helen,

Why not? I promise I won't pee in the hot tub. If I accidentally do, I promise I will add extra chlorine to balance out the urine levels. I won't shit in your hot tub either. If I have to take a shit, I'll do it in your bushes. Shit makes for great fertilizer.

Please help me out here. I can't use the old hot tub I used to go to because I was informed that I would be arrested if I stepped foot on that property again. I assure you I will have your hot tub running like new once I fix it.

Mike

From Ellen ****** to Me:

The concern of you pissing in my hot tub didnt even cross my mind, but I'm just going to add that to the list of reasons why I am against this. Most importantly - I will not let some creep bring women back to my house to rape them in my hot tub!

From Me to Ellen ******:

Whoa there, who said anything about rape? This is purely consensual.

From Ellen ****** to Me:

You said you wait until they pass out to have sex with them!

From Me to Ellen ******:

In the state of Pennsylvania, the law states that if you can get the girl back to a hot tub, it is considered to be sexual consent.

Look Helen, I'm just trying to fix your hot tub. Not get a lecture on ethics. Do you want your hot tub fixed or not?

Mike

From Ellen ****** to Me:

Not by you, you creep! and my name is ELLEN not Helen, you fuck!

From Me to Ellen ******:

My apologies, Ellen. I assumed you had made a typo when writing out your name. Now how about answering my question?

From Ellen ****** to Me:

Go fuck yourself, loser. Phone Post
2/26/12 2:04 PM
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villageidiot
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Legit thanks for pointing this guy out. My ribs hurt today from laughing so hard last night.
2/26/12 2:24 PM
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aces_taylor
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Ttt Phone Post
2/26/12 2:28 PM
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bigSurf6661
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Ttt Phone Post
2/26/12 2:31 PM
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Darth_Vladar
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ZeRoTZ - Original ad:
I am in need of a reliable and SAFE driver to take my 10-year-old daughter home from after-school soccer practice starting in September and ending in late November. She needs to be taken from school in Exton to home in Bryn Mawr. It should take about an hour each day. You will be needed Mon, Tues, Thurs, and Fri. Looking for a safe driver with a clean driving record. E-mail at ***********@comcast.net with references. We can discuss compensation. Thanks!

From Me to ************@comcast.net

Good afternoon.

My name is Mike Partlow and I am very interested in this job. I have a lot of experience driving under dangerous conditions and guarantee your daughter will arrive safely at home every day.

If you are still looking for a dependable driver, please write back.

Sincerely,

Mike Partlow

From Kate ******** to Me

Mr. Partlow (can I call you Mike?),

I still am looking for a driver. Good to know you can handle dangerous conditions...but there probably will not be any dangerous conditions; you are just taking my daughter down Rt 3.

Tell me about yourself - are you a professional driver? Do you have any references from past jobs? What kind of car do you own? Is it reliable?

- Kate

From Me to Kate ********

Kate,

You can call me Mike. I was never one for formalities.

A little about myself, I am 37 years old, and worked as a mercenary driver in the Middle East. I have escorted important clients through high-risk areas in Iraq and Afghanistan for five years. I have seen a lot of action, and have ensured the safety of my clients. Out of all the jobs I have done, 90% of my clients arrived at their destination unharmed.

I have several references. I'll have one of them e-mail you.

My car is very safe and reliable - perfect for your daughter. It is an armored 2007 Chevy Suburban. All glass has been replaced with multi-layered ballistic glass capable of stopping a 7.62 x 39 bullet dead in its tracks. The doors, roof, and floor have been reinforced with ballistic steel/composite that can withstand IED blasts and stop grenade fragmentation. This car has been put to the test and will always deliver.

Safety and protection is my #1 priority. The car is fully loaded with an HK416 assault rifle that fire under the toughest conditions. The roof has a 40mm MK-19 automatic grenade launcher turret installed. Hopefully we won't have to use it, but it is good to have. I can't tell you how many times I've had to return fire against an enemy APC. I assure you that nobody will mess with your daughter as I escort her home from soccer practice.

Now lets discuss pay. I have various security packages I offer, and for your daughter I recommend my medium package which will run you $200 an hour. I also have a minimal package which is only $125 an hour. It is entirely up to you.

Let me know,

Mike Partlow

From Kate ******** to Me

This has to be a joke. This isnt Bagdad, it's suburban PA...

Are you just being sarcastic? What do you really drive? I want to pay 30 bucks a day, tops.

From Me to Kate ********

Kate,

Safety/protection is no joke. For $30, you are likely to get some 17-year-old kid who just got his license and will drive your daughter in his unarmored Ford Focus. I've seen an IED blow a Ford Focus into thousands of pieces, none larger than a golf ball.

My security package is well worth the $200 per trip. We will pick your daughter up in a random Suburban. Four trucks will pull up, and she will get into a random one every day. This is so the enemy does not know which one to attack. The Suburban she is in will have an armed security detail of men I have worked with in Iraq. We know what we are doing. She will be escorted in our convoy down the highway at a high rate of speed to avoid stopping in "kill zones." All vehicles are equipped with an MIRT which is used to change the traffic lights to green so we will not have to slow down. Your daughter will arrive safely in your arms no later than 20 minutes from when she is extracted from the soccer field.

Please reconsider my offer. You can't put a price on your daughter's safety.

From Kate ******** to Me

Stop wasting my time. Don't e-mail me again.


(later, from another e-mail account)

From Nick Walken to Kate **********

Dear Kate,

I am an old client of Mike Partlow. He told me that you wanted a reference for a job you are considering him for. Let me start off by saying, you could not have made a finer choice. Mike is the best there is. He literally saved my life countless times in Iraq. Whatever you are using him for, you have made the right choice. You will be 100% safe.

When I think about my experience Mike, one time stands above the rest. Back in 2005, I was a contractor in Iraq and had hired Mike's security detail to escort me through Fallujah. Everything was going fine until our convoy was hit by an IED. I don't remember much, but next thing you know, I woke up in a Republican Guard prisoner camp with Mike. I thought we were goners. They took me and Mike into a hut, where there were at least eight armed soldiers placing bets. They were going to make Mike and I play Russian Roulette. Mike convinced a soldier to let him play with three bullets, instead of one, which I thought was crazy. Mike even put the gun to his head once and pulled the trigger. He started laughing, and the soldiers started laughing too. When they let their guard down, he immediately shot three of them in the head, grabbed one of their AKs, and gunned down the other five soldiers. I didn't think we would make it out of that one alive, but thanks to Mike's heroic actions, I am here today.

You cannot go wrong with Mike Partlow. He is the best of the best. One time he killed an entire truck of insurgents using just a fork from his salad. He makes do with what he has and will survive the worst of situations.

If you have any more questions about Mike, please don't hesitate to contact me. I owe the man my life.

Nick

From Kate ******** to Me

what in the hell...
Absolute gold!!! Phone Post
2/26/12 2:53 PM
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Flying Teep
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Lol, subbed. Phone Post

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