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2/26/12 2:53 PM
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Flying Teep
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Lol, subbed. Phone Post
2/26/12 2:54 PM
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MakeMeBleed
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new favorite thread
2/26/12 3:22 PM
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TheJits46
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This man is an inspiration Phone Post
2/26/12 3:29 PM
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palerider101
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lol
2/26/12 3:39 PM
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Texox
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Sub Phone Post
2/26/12 3:47 PM
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Dougie
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I love reading about Mike from Craig's List!
2/26/12 3:53 PM
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The Kangaroo
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Edited: 02/26/12 3:53 PM
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best thread ever 
2/26/12 4:01 PM
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NBK > 209
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LOL more for later
2/26/12 4:13 PM
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SEMenTEX
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Fucking great thread!!!! Phone Post
2/26/12 4:21 PM
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Don_Dada
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Mr_Quail -  Made this thread like a montha go and got like 3 replies.

*sits in the corner sulking*

 
2/26/12 4:33 PM
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ZeRoTZ
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annnd lets keep this going


Garage Sale Competition
Posted at: 2010-04-16 12:39:42
Original ad:
Garage sale on Saturday April 17th from 10 am to 4 pm. Lots of clothes, furniture, electronics, and more. The address is 341 ********* Drive. Email me if you need directions.

Now before you think this woman doesn't deserve it, she spammed this ad everywhere, every day. I was sick of seeing it.
From Me to ***********@**********.org:

Hello,

I live a few blocks away from you and couldn't help but notice you are having a garage sale this Saturday. I am going to have to kindly ask you to change the date of your garage sale. I am having my annual world class garage sale on that day, and I do not want you to take away any of the customers that would be coming to my garage sale.

If you could hold your garage sale some time during May or June, that would be great.

Thanks,

Mike

From Karen ******** to Me:

I'm not changing the date. There is plenty of room for both of our garage sales.

From Me to Karen *******:

Karen,

There is not enough room for both of our garage sales. As I said earlier, my garage sale is a "world class" event. It draws in garage sale connoisseurs from all over the region. I have already booked a bartender and a string quartet for my sale on Saturday. My garage sale is a classy experience, and I do not want that experience to be ruined for customers who mistake your garage sale for mine. Now I'm not saying your garage sale isn't going to be nice, but I highly doubt you have a bartender and string quartet at your sale.

Please take down all of the ads in the neighborhood for your sale to avoid any confusion for my customers.

Mike

From Karen ******** to Me:

How rude of you to even make this request. I have the right to have a garage sale when ever I want to. What gives you the nerve to think you can tell me what to do?

From Me to Karen *******:

Karen,

You are correct, you do have the right to do whatever you want. I realize that I cannot change your mind about this.

I can, however, put up this ad all over the neighborhood. Let me know what you think of it:

Attachment: (LOL!!) http://dontevenreply.com/images/smear.png



Best,

Mike

From Karen ******** to Me:

What the hell is the matter with you? I swear if I see any of those ads in the neighborhood I will tear them down and report you. Do not speak to me again about this. You have been warned.

From Me to Karen *******:

Karen

I'm willing to cut you a deal and get you a spot on the guest list for my world class garage sale if you cancel yours.

Mike

From Karen ******* to Me:

Screw you and screw your world class garage sale, you world class prick.
2/26/12 4:36 PM
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ZeRoTZ
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Attention-Grabbing Ad
Posted at: 2010-03-23 14:52:00
Original ad:
Free Graphic Design Needed
I need someone who wants to do some graphic design work to design an ad for my business in the local newspaper. Would look great for your portfolio. Email me if you can help. Thanks

From Me to *********@*********.org:

Hey there,

I am just starting my career as a graphic designer and have helped design several ads featured in various magazines. I would be happy to help you with your ad. Can you tell me what you had in mind?

Thanks,

Mike

From Lucy ******* to Me:

Hi Mike! I own a new hair salon for men called Sporty's Haircuts. The ad will be 2 inches by 4 inches and featured in the local newspaper. We don't have a logo or slogan. The ad simply needs to say the name of the business, and our address and phone number:

124 South ****** Ave
(***)-***-****

It needs to be attention-grabbing and also include a graphic related to haircuts. I don't have any images so you will have to design them. Please don't have anything boring (i.e. a graphic of scissors.)

Thank you so much for your help!

Lucy

From Me to Lucy *******:

Sounds good, Lucy. I'll get back to you within a day with the proposed ad for your review.

From Lucy ******* to Me:

Great. Thank you Mike!

From Me to Lucy *******:

Lucy,

I have attached the first draft of the ad. Please let me know what you think.

Mike

Attachment:

http://dontevenreply.com/images/logo_draft_2.JPG


From Lucy ******* to Me:

Mike, I don't completely understand the ad. Could you please explain what you were going for with that graphic?

From Me to Lucy *******:

Lucy,

It is a man admiring his new haircut while a woman is crouching down to clean up the hair clippings on the floor below him.

Mike

From Lucy ******* to Me:

Oh. That’s not what think when I look at it. It looks very suggestive to me. Why is "downtown" and "service" in quotes?

From Me to Lucy *******:

How is that suggestive? The only thing it suggests to me is that I will be getting a very admirable haircut and quality service. The fact that the woman is already cleaning up the hair clippings while the man is still in the chair suggests that your store is quick, efficient, and clean.

Downtown is in quotes because it is short for Downtown *******, and I put "Service" in quotes to suggest that you will be getting much "more" than a haircut, such as helpful employees, great deals, and friendly smiles. If you do not offer great deals or friendly smiles, then I apologize for the mistake and will remove the quotes from around "Service." Otherwise, I don't understand what your problem is with the ad.

Mike

From Lucy ******* to Me:

Cut the BS, Mike. You know exactly what you did. Are you going to keep wasting my time or design the real ad?

From Me to Lucy *******:

Lucy, can you please explain why you are unhappy with the ad? I can't make changes if you are being so vague about everything. Would you like me to have the woman holding scissors and a hair comb?

Mike

From Lucy ******* to Me:

Leave me alone.
2/26/12 4:42 PM
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ZeRoTZ
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lmao

Lenny's Acid Trip

Posted at: 2010-03-09 10:46:33
Original ad:
Do not Use Lenny the Mechanic:
He has an ad on here for car repairs and I asked him to fix my blown head gasket. He showed up to my house, broke a bunch of parts and left. He has been avoiding me ever since. DO NOT USE THIS GUY.
Lenny, if you are reading this, you owe me an explanation.

From Me to ***************@***********.org:

Hey,

My apologies for bailing on your car. I know I have been hard to contact; I lost my phone and had to get a new e-mail address. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to make it up to you.

Lenny

From **********@gmail.com to Me:

You could start by explaining yourself...

From Me to **********@gmail.com:

Well, I was pretty baked when I showed up, and I had just eaten a bag of shrooms and taken three hits of acid. I thought I would be able to fix your car before the shrooms and acid kicked in, but I was wrong. While I was disconnecting the sensors, I started tripping pretty hard. At one point it looked like the intake manifold was laughing at me. I freaked out and bashed it with a socket wrench, and then ran back to my car and got the hell out of there. I'm not sure what happened after that. The next thing I remember is waking up naked in a church confessional booth two days later. When I got back to my house, the State Police were there and told me they found my car abandoned in a car wash about 50 miles away. Needless to say, it has been a crazy weekend for me. That is why I was unable to fix your car.

From **********@gmail.com to Me:

Uh...not sure what to take from all that. You deemed it a good idea to take drugs before working on my car because...why?

From Me to **********@gmail.com:

Honestly I forgot I had to work on your car. I remembered after I took the shrooms and acid. Once I get my car back from the police, I should be able to come over and finish working on your car. Oh by the way, sorry about the dump I took on your lawn. I was too embarrassed to go inside and ask to use the bathroom because it would have been obvious that I was tripping.

From **********@gmail.com to Me:

Unbelievable. I don't want you to do any more work on my car. I do want you to pay for the damage you did to my car. If you don't, I will take you to small claims court.

From Me to **********@gmail.com:

Whoa man, why are you being such a dick? Not cool. If anything, you should be paying me. I seriously fucked up my hand when I hit your intake manifold with the wrench. It feels like I fractured it. I don't have any health insurance, and seeing as I got injured under your employment, I think you are obligated to pay for my medical bills.

From **********@gmail.com to Me:

Not a chance in hell. I think all those drugs you took fried your brain - you're fucked in the head if you think any of this is acceptable. If you don't pay the damages, we are going to have a problem.

From Me to **********@gmail.com:

I have another eighth of shrooms I can give you...will that cover it?

From Me to **********@gmail.com:

I'll take that as a yes?
2/26/12 5:42 PM
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MolsonMuscles
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Mike is epic.
2/26/12 5:49 PM
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Ant C
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Sub Phone Post
2/26/12 5:55 PM
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ChuckManson
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Lmfao!!! Phone Post
2/26/12 6:04 PM
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ZeRoTZ
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Doctor mma -  Here is his site.

http://www.dontevenreply.com/index.php
Yeah, he definitely deserves a donation or two Imo. But I'll keep posting here. Phone Post
2/26/12 6:12 PM
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ZeRoTZ
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Suspicious Carpet Buyer

Posted at: 2010-02-27 00:13:38

Original ad: I need a whole roll of carpet doesnt matter what kind will pay cash i need it fast

From Me to ***********@*************.org:

Hey,

Do you still need rolls of carpet? I have a deal worked out with a carpet wholesaler and can get you as many carpets as you need.

Thanks,

Mike

From *********@comcast.net to Me:

yeah I just need one how much do you want for it

From Me to *********@comcast.net:

I am asking $50 for the roll of carpet. It sounds like you also need some cleaning supplies. Luckily, I also sell gloves, mops, buckets, spray bottles, garbage bags, as well as disinfectants, odor removal chemicals, and enzyme solvents, in case you are interested in any of that.

Mike

From *********@comcast.net to Me:

what? I dont need any of that just the rug

From Me to *********@comcast.net:

Are you sure? It sounds like you need this rug to take care of a "problem", and you might want the cleaning supplies to clean up the rest of that problem.

Mike

From *********@comcast.net to Me:

my only problem is that i need this carpet and you are trying to sell me cleaning stuff

From Me to *********@comcast.net:

Look, you don't have to fool me. There is only one reason to urgently need a rug. It is pretty clear that you killed someone and need to get rid of them.

I've been there, man...whether it is a friend who overdosed on drugs, or a dead hooker, it is important that you clean everything up. You can't just roll them up in a carpet and forget about them. Don't worry, I can help you.

Mike

From *********@comcast.net to Me:

i didnt kill a hooker what the hell is wrong with you? i need the carpet for my apartment to replace my old stained carpet so i dont get screwed on my security deposit which is why i need it fast

From Me to *********@comcast.net:

Hey man, I'm not one to judge you. I understand that accidents happen. Maybe she didn't tell you when to stop choking her, or maybe you didn't realize that roofie you slipped in her Cosmo was actually cyanide. Either way, a dead hooker isn't the end of the world. Hookers die all the time; it comes with their line of work. The important thing is to stay calm and make sure that you clean everything up.

You have a good cover story with the security deposit. You are smart to get rid of the old blood-stained carpet, but you still will need my cleaning supplies. A small blood stain on the top of the rug is usually a much larger stain underneath the rug, and you can't simply put a new rug on top of it. With my dead hooker cleanup package, it comes with everything you need to clean up the "accident" and make it look like it never happened. The entire package, including the rug, will only cost you $100.

You should act soon before it is too late!

Mike

From *********@comcast.net to Me:

is everyone on craigslist this crazy or is it just you? all i want is the carpet and you are being a huge pain in my ass. ill find one from someone who isnt a goddamn psycho Phone Post
2/26/12 6:20 PM
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TanPour
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Sub Phone Post
2/26/12 6:32 PM
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Warriormmd
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Hahaha this made my day Phone Post
2/26/12 6:46 PM
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Ayatolla of Rock and Rolla
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Edited: 02/26/12 6:46 PM
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The Shaniqua Chronicles are classic
2/26/12 6:48 PM
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athaba
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This guy is a genius more!!! Phone Post
2/26/12 8:01 PM
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ZeRoTZ
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YOU LITTLE FUCKER! lol

Little Help

Posted at: 2010-02-04 18:53:23

Original ad: I need someone who owns or has access to a pipe camera to inspect a sewer drain that runs from my house to a creek behind my house.. I constantly have to snake out the drain and need to see what is causing the clog. The pipe is about 50 feet long. Thanks!!

From Me to **********@************.org:

Hello,

Are you still looking for someone to inspect your sewage pipe?

Mike

From Ben ****** to Me:

Yes I am...do you have a pipe camera?

From Me to Ben ******:

Ben,

I don't have a pipe camera, but I do believe I have the means to help you. I am a little person (3 foot 2 inches) and think I would be able to fit down the pipe. I will not only find the problem, but I might even be able to fix it. I will gladly do this for $150 compensation.

Mike

From Ben ****** to Me:

You get stuck in the pipe and then I have a real problem.. No thanks.

From Me to Ben ******:

Ben,

I promise I will not get stuck in your pipe. I have done similar jobs for a contractor and have had nothing but positive results. If you are concerned about me getting stuck, I can bring a tub of olive oil and cover myself in it so I will not stick to anything.

Mike

From Ben ****** to Me:

No. The ad was for a pipe camera guy...NO MIDGETS

From Me to Ben ******:

Ben,

First off, we prefer to be called "little people," not "midgets." I thought your ad was simply looking for a solution to your problem, not specifically a pipe camera operator. Us little people have to deal with jerks like you all of the time, and it is very discouraging. Perhaps you should change your ad to express your hatred for little people. That way you will not waste the time of any other potential little person plumbers.

Mike

From Ben ****** to Me:

I'm wasting your time huh... You're wasting my time you stupid little fucker...the last thing I need is a damn midget clogging my drain. Thats right you're a MIDGET not a little person. You midgets are so touchy!

From Me to Ben ******:

Ben,

I am going to have to report your ad for being discriminating against little people, and for you being plain mean and hurtful. Just because we have little bodies does not mean that we have little feelings. Maybe next time you will be more considerate.

Mike

From Ben ****** to Me:

Go ahead you fucking midget! Hey guess what. You can come over here and suck my dick and you dont even have to sit down to do it! hahahaha!!! Phone Post
2/26/12 8:27 PM
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ZeRoTZ
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Tree Removal Barter

Posted at: 2010-01-22 02:20:47

Original ad: i need a grille not the cole kind but the gas kind. i will barter my skill as a landscaper in turn for a good grille if u need any kind of landscape work

From Me to **************@***********.org:

Hello,

I saw your ad looking for a grill in exchange for your landscaping skills. Do you do tree removal? If so, there is a very expensive grill in it for you.

Thanks,

Mike

From josh ******* to Me:

yes

From me to josh *******:

Great! There is a pine tree that has been bothering me and I want it cut down. You won't have to remove it. It hasn't been a problem until about two years ago when it got much taller. My problem with it is that it is obscuring the view to my neighbor's upstairs bathroom window. I used to have a perfect view of the neighbor's wife changing in the bathroom every day. She had great tits and an ass that was out of this world. It really completed my morning whenever I caught a glimpse of her. Now that this damn pine tree is in the way, I can't see a thing.

If you could go onto my neighbor's property and cut the tree down while they are at work, I will let you take the grill that is outside on their patio. I'm not sure what brand it is, but it is a gigantic propane grill. It looks really nice.

If they ask about it, I will tell them that a huge storm happened while they were at work, and the wind blew the tree over and blew the grill away. Meanwhile you will be enjoying a delicious salisbury steak from your new grill, and I wil be enjoying my neighbor's hot wife as she steps into the shower.

They usually leave for work around 7:30 AM during the week, and come back home around 6:00 PM. If you could have it done before they get back on Monday, that would be great.

Thanks,

Mike

From josh ******* to Me:

wat the fuck r u smoking dude? so i cut down ur neigbors tree and u let me steal his grille. what a grate deal ass hole. how bout i just take the grille and dont cut down the tree u fuck

From me to josh *******:

You don't know where his house is, so how are you going to steal the grill? I think my information in exchange for your services is a fair trade. I'll even let you come over for a few beers afterward, and we can watch the wife in the bathroom from my bedroom window.

Mike

From josh ******* to Me:

i dont want a stolen grille i want a real grille u retard wat da fuck is ur problem. and i dont give a shit bout naked neigbor u fuckin perv

From me to josh *******:

I assure you that this grill is real. By cutting down the tree, you are earning the grill and it will not be stolen. Also, if seeing a naked woman isn't your thing, you could probably catch the husband changing in the bathroom as well. I won't be watching, but I'm not one to judge your lifestyle.

Mike

From josh ******* to Me:

ur the fagot u dick sucking fuck fag cock sucker!! eat a fuckin dick u piece of shitt!!! Phone Post
2/26/12 8:35 PM
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McFly
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. Phone Post

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