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OtherGround Forums >> Mike the craigslist troll (pic)


2/27/12 5:05 AM
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ZeRoTZ
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Caught Cheating

Posted at: 2009-10-27 10:47:33

Original ad: No strings attached - dinner wine whatever?I am a nice woman just looking for a good time. Come over and drink and we can watch a movie and see where it goes from there ;)

From Me to **********@********.org:

Hey!

I live in the area and am also looking for a good time with no strings attached. I am a 37 year old man who just likes having some fun. How about you come over and we watch a movie and have some wine? You down?

Mike

From Karen ******** to Me:

Hi mike! Of course I am down for some fun ;) Do you have any pics of yourself?

From Karen ******** to Me:

Mike are you still there? I havent heard from you!

From Me to Karen ********:

STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY HUSBAND.

From Karen ******** to Me:

umm...what?

From Me to Karen ********:

YOU HEARD ME, YOU WHORE. THIS IS MIKE'S WIFE. HE DIDN'T TELL YOU HE WAS MARRIED, DID HE, YOU FUCKING SLUT!

From Karen ******** to Me:

huh I swear he didn't say anything about that! I'm sorry! I won't write again!

From Me to Karen ********:

Karen,

It is Mike. What the hell did you say to my wife? She found out about us! She is packing her stuff and talking about a divorce. What did you do?!

Mike

From Karen ******** to Me:

I responded to YOUR email that's it! Maybe you shouldn't let your wife check your email! Lastly there is no "us"! I wouldn't screw around with a married man! Shame on you for cheating on your wife!

From Me to Karen ********:

Karen,

Look, I'm sorry, I should have told you about my wife. I just didn't think it was worth mentioning.

Now I managed to calm my wife down. She was willing to hear my side of the story. I told her you were an old girlfriend from high school that was still obsessed with me, and I was trying to get rid of you. She believes me, but she wants to kick your ass. Would you be able to come over here and let my wife kick your ass?Don't worry, she doesn't hit that hard. Just pretend it hurts. I'll give you $20 if you can do this for me.

Please help me out here!

Mike

From Karen ******** to Me:

why would you tell her that!!!!! just be honest and accept what you did!! no I wont go over there to get beat up are you out of your mind????

From Me to Karen ********:

Please Karen! If she divorces me, I am screwed. I made the mistake of not signing a prenuptial agreement when we got married, and now she is talking about taking everything! She even wants to take my Plasma TV! That TV is my world. It is like a son to me. Please don't let her do this. Just come over and let her kick your ass. Do it for me, Karen.

Mike

From Karen ******** to Me:

I'm sorry but this is not my fault at all. I can't help you.

From Me to Karen ********:

Fuck. Well are you still down for a good time with dinner and a movie?

From Karen ******** to Me:

absolutely not.

From Me to Karen ********:

So you ruin my life, and now you won't even go out on a date with me? Thanks a lot, Karen. Next time why don't you add "WILL RUIN YOUR LIFE" next to your personal ad? Phone Post
2/27/12 5:09 AM
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Steve78
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TTT Phone Post
2/27/12 5:14 AM
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myee8
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Doctor mma -  Here is his site.

http://www.dontevenreply.com/index.php
Awesome, and ttt! Such a funny read so far... Phone Post
2/27/12 6:40 AM
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ZeRoTZ
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Surrogate Father

Posted at: 2009-10-20 12:39:28

This was in response to an ad looking for surrogate mothers. The ad is long and boring, so I'll sum it up: they pretty much pay healthy women a lot of money to carry another couple's baby.

From Me to ************@***********.org:

Hello,

I saw your ad looking for surrogate mothers, and was wondering if you had any openings for a surrogate father. I am willing to sacrifice my body for families who cannot have a child. I would get the sperm intended for the surrogate mother inserted into my balls, and then impregnate the surrogate mother through passoniate intercourse, to assure that the baby is conceived in a more natural environment. Nobody wants a freak petri dish baby as their child.

I saw that compensation was $25,000 for the mother. Since I am doing all of the hard work, however, I am asking for $50,000 as compensation. Also, the surrogate mother must fit the following criteria:

- 18 to 24 years old - Brunette or Blonde (no redheads) - Not too short, but not taller than me because that is just weird - Breast size of C cup or larger - Not fat - She must shave "down there" - STD free (although chlamydia is okay because I already have that)

I look forward to hearing from you. If possible, please send a list of potential surrogate mothers for me to knock up, and include pictures. I will get back to you with who I want to impregnate first.

Thanks,

Mike

From Mary ********* to Me:

Mike,

There is no "surrogate father" program. Sorry.

Mary *********

From Me to Mary *********:

Mary,

Surely there are some fathers who would want this. Just ask your clients if they would be interested in my services. I am sure you will get a positive response.

I forgot to mention that any potential surrogate mothers you have for me must be willing to do anal.

Thanks,

Mike

From Mary ********* to Me:

What is wrong with you? Let me be very clear: there will never be a surrogate father program. One can't simply get another's sperm placed in their "balls." Frankly, your demands are disgusting and you are making a mockery of our program. Do not contact me again.

From Me to Mary *********:

Oh, come on. What demands were disgusting? The anal sex? Studies show that women are 75% more likely to get pregnant if they take it in the ass first.

Believe me, this is not about the sex for me. I just want to help our country's most precious resource: our children. They are our future, you know. You hate children, don't you? By refusing my services, you may as well be working at an abortion clinic.

Please reconsider,

Mike Phone Post
2/27/12 7:05 AM
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jomxwll
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TTT Phone Post
2/27/12 7:11 AM
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OneTwo17
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Oh man I think I pulled a muscle in my chest!!!!

Sub!

LMFAO!!!!!'n Phone Post
2/27/12 7:30 AM
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Jaybrone
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 SHitting in the garbage disposal lmao the apartment with a pool was fucking awesome.
2/27/12 7:51 AM
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primetime56
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Hahaha good stuff Phone Post
2/27/12 7:54 AM
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ZeRoTZ
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This one is gold son, haha. Be sure to look at pics.. No blue :/

Helpful Mechanic

Posted at: 2009-10-07 11:21:36

Original ad: I have a 1998 nissan that rear ended someone last week. There is some minor damage that need fixed...but I cant afford to go to a body shop..anyone who is willing to help for less would be doing me a HUGE favor. thanks!

From Me to ***********@**********.org

Hey, how's it going.

I'm a mechanic looking to do some work on the side, and I can probably help you out with your car. How bad is the damage to the car?

Mike

From Kristen ****** to Me:

Hi Mike. The damage isnt bad...my hood is bent and i think the headlight cracked...but I took it for an estimate and they told me i was looking at at least a couple thousand for repairs. im not sure if they are trying to rip me off so take a look if you want. sorry...this is the best picture i could get with my phone

thanks!

Attachment: http://dontevenreply.com/images/maxima.JPG

From Me to Kristen ******:

Ouch...that doesn't look good, Kristen. From glancing at the picture, it is obvious you are going to need a new hood, fender, and headlight. It looks like your headlight is indeed cracked, and it looks like you probably severed the headlight fluid line as well. From the way the hood is bent, it looks like your transmission has been dislodged and will probably have to be replaced. Judging by the headlight damage, I may have to replace your headlight fluid pump as well, and I need to take out the motor to get to that. It is going to be a lot of work.

How much were you looking to spend to get this fixed?

From Kristen ****** to Me:

wow i didnt think it was that bad...do you think you can fix it? i cant afford to spend alot of money on this.

From Me to Kristen ******:

I can absolutely fix it. I can probably steal the parts you'll need from a junkyard, but you will have to post my bail if I get caught again. Last time, bail was about $400 and I had to pay another $500 fine after court. As for the labor, it is going to cost you about $1500. Replacing the headlight fluid pump is very difficult, and will probably take a lot of time to do. So you are looking at anywhere from $1500 to $2400.

From Kristen ****** to Me:

ok thanks anyway. that is too much for me...ill just deal with it for now i guess

From Me to Kristen ******:

Kristen, I strongly advise you to get this fixed immediately. You will not pass inspection without a headlight fluid pump, and it is very dangerous to be driving without one. It is very likely that your car could catch fire and explode while you are driving.

Look, I understand you are on a budget and I'd be willing to knock a couple hundred bucks off of the cost of labor if I can have your car's CD player. You won't get a better deal anywhere else.

From Kristen ****** to Me:

what?! the other guy didnt say anything like that. im going to get a few more opinions first, ill let you know. thanks

From Me to Kristen ******:

Don't take too long - your car is in immediate danger.

From Kristen ****** to Me:

I just called the auto center and they said there is no such thing as a headlight fluid pump...or headlight fluid...they were laughing...what is your problem douche bag?

From Me to Kristen ******:

Whoever you talked to there obviously has no idea what they are talking about. Look, you can see it in the picture, you are clearly leaking headlight fluid. I pointed it out in the attachment, it is what the red arrow is pointing to. You can see it leaking from the headlight.

Attachment: http://dontevenreply.com/images/fluid.JPG

From Kristen ****** to Me:

Ok ass hole...thanks for wasting my time

From Me to Kristen ******:

Sorry for trying to save your life. You'll be sorry when that fluid ignites and makes your transmission explode while you are driving. Phone Post
2/27/12 9:05 AM
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SeeEsDub
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Fuck this shit is amazing Phone Post
2/27/12 9:09 AM
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billmartinjunior
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Sub Phone Post
2/27/12 9:29 AM
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CaptainAhab87
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love this guy!!
2/27/12 10:09 AM
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Fael Sonnen
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Subd Phone Post
2/27/12 10:17 AM
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ZeRoTZ
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Free Couch

Posted at: 2009-09-25 14:37:58

Original ad: I WANT YOUR COUCH IF ANYONE HAS AN UNWANTED COUCH I CAN COME GET IT. WILL TRAVEL UP TO 20 MINUTES FROM CONSHOHOCKEN. PLEASE SEND PICTURES. THANKS

From Me to **********@*********.org:

Hi there! You can have my couch if you are still looking for one. Let me know! You can either e-mail me or call me.

Mike

From Juan ********* to Me:

HI MIKE

I STILL NEED YOUR COUCH. HOW BIG IS IT?DO YOU HAVE ANY PICTURES?WHY DO YOU NOT WANT IT ANY MORE?

YOU DID NOT GIVE ME YOUR PHONE NUMBER SO I CANT CALL YOU.

From Me to Juan *********:

Juan,

The couch can seat three normal people, or two fat people. I don't have any pictures because my camera is broken (I didn't realize it was in the garbage disposal when I turned on the switch.)

I am getting rid of the couch because my grandfather passed away on it a few weeks ago. Every time I look at it, I am reminded of it, and I would rather it not be in my apartment anymore. Just give me a call and we can set up a time for you to come get it.

Mike

From Juan ********* to Me:

MIKE IS THE COUCH STILL IN GOOD CONDITION. YOU STILL DID NOT GIVE ME YOUR NUMBER.

From Me to Juan *********:

Juan,

The couch is still in very good condition. There are only a few minor blemishes, but you can't really notice them. There is a little bit of blood on the couch and a pool of blood on the middle cushion from when my grandfather shot himself. I tried cleaning it with club soda, but it had really soaked into the fabric by the time I found him. The blood dried though, and now it is kind of a brown-ish color that I think actually makes the couch look better. It is a brown couch anyway so you can't even notice it.

Mike

From Juan ********* to Me:

NO THANKS

From Me to Juan *********:

Why not? I thought we had a deal. Is it because of the blood? You can just turn the cushion over and nobody will have any idea.

From Juan ********* to Me:

THE COUCH IS COVERED IN BLOOD WHO WOULD WANT THAT?GROSS!

From Me to Juan *********:

Don't put words in my mouth. I never said it was covered in blood - it just has a little blood here and there.

I did forget to mention, I believe my grandfather defecated on the couch when he died (the paramedics say it happens all the time.) I cleaned most of that up, but once again the couch is brown so you won't even notice it.

And this probably isn't a big deal, but he also had a cigar in his mouth and when he died it set part of the couch on fire. On the plus side, it did burn away some of the old urine stains that the couch had on it. The couch no longer smells like urine. It kind of smells like a barbecue, which is great if you love barbecues.

From Juan ********* to Me:

THAT COUCH IS FUCKED THROW IT OUT!

From Me to Juan *********:

Why would you waste my time if you weren't going to take the couch? I'm sick of having to deal with people like you. I'm just trying to get rid of a decent couch, for free, and still people are wasting my time.

From Juan ********* to Me:

IF YOU TOLD ME UP FRONT THAT SOME ONE DIED AND SHIT ALL OVER YUOR COUCH THAN I WOULNT HAVE WASTED ANY MORE OF YOUR TIME!! DONT YOU SPIN THIS ON ME BY TELING ME THE COUCH LOOKS GOOD WITH BLOOD OR SMELLS LIKE A BBQ. WHO THE FUCK WANTS A COUCCH THAT SMELLS LIKE BBQ IF I WANTED TO SMELL BBQ I WOULD BUY A FUCKING GRILL

From Me to Juan *********:

Would you be interested in the grill I am selling then? It is a CharCooker 500 and has three burners. Two of them don't work because my grandfather shot at the grill when he was drunk, but the middle burner still cooks food really well. I'm asking $400 for it, and for you, I'll throw in a couch for free.

From Juan ********* to Me:

I DONT WANT YOUR USELESS SHIT GUY!!!! Phone Post
2/27/12 10:18 AM
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fanat
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ttt
2/27/12 10:20 AM
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ZeRoTZ
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Free Diseases

Posted at: 2009-09-18 09:18:27

Original ad: Looking for someone with chicken pox or shingles to expose to my two children. If you are still contagious and want to help, email or call ***-***-*****.

From Me to ************@***********.org

Hello,

I saw your ad and realized I could help. I have shingles right now, and the doctors tell me that it is still in the contagious stage. I live in South Bend. I would be able to visit your kids, or if you want to bring them to me, that works too. I took some sick days off from my job, so I am pretty much free any time.

Mike

From Jenn ******** to Me:

Mike thank you so much! I want my kids to be exposed before they have to go back to school so I would like to do this ASAP. How does tomorrow sound?

From Me to Jenn ********:

Jenn,

Tomorrow works for me. How do we do this? Do I just sneeze and cough on your kids or something?

Mike

From Jenn ******** to Me:

Hi Mike,

They should just be in your presence for a few minutes. Where in South Bend are you located? I can drive to you. Do you have a number you can be reached at?

From Me to Jenn ********:

Jenn,

I do have a phone, but I only have like 10 minutes left on my plan until September, and I need those minutes for ordering pizza. Lets just continue via e-mail. I live in LaSalle Park, are you familiar with it?

Also, it probably isn't a big deal, but I figured it is worth mentioning that I also have pulmonary tuberculosis right now. I hope this won't be a problem. It is probably better for your kids to get that out of the way too - it can be a real pain when you are older.

What time do you want to meet tomorrow?

Mike

From Jenn ******** to Me:

I don't want my kids to have TB. Thank you for trying to help but I am going to find someone else.

From Me to Jenn ********:

Jenn,

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you away with that. Pulmonary TB isn't that bad, and it is best if your kids get it over with when they are younger. You may as well knock it out at the same time as the chicken pox.

If you want, I can throw in malaria for an extra $50. My friend Tom just got back from Africa and I can have him come over and give it to your kids as well. He got all sorts of whacky diseases when he was in Africa. You might want your kids to get them too, just so they won't get them later if they ever visit Africa.

Mike

From Jenn ******** to Me:

Mike are you aware that TB and malaria don't work that way? People can't just "get it over with" those are very serious diseases.

From Me to Jenn ********:

Jenn,

I think I know how TB works, I have it (duh).

I just assumed you were one of those mothers who wanted to have sick children to attract pity and attention from others. Malaria is a great way to get pity from other moms! You'll be the most talked about mother in your neighborhood. You could brag about it to all the other mothers when they are going on about their sick kids - "*sigh* life is so hard with my husband at work, and my poor son has the flu." "Oh yeah? Well my two kids have fucking malaria. Suck it."

You'll be the envy of your whole clique of mothers.

Please reconsider my offer.

Mike

From Jenn ******** to Me:

How rude. I want my kids to get chicken pox while they are young for the medical benefits, not for attention.

You have problems, Mike. Seek professional help immediately. Phone Post
2/27/12 10:22 AM
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ZeRoTZ
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Deer Hunter

Posted at: 2009-09-08 09:05:23

Original ad: Looking for permission to deer hunt (bow, shotgun) on a property in Bucks County.

I am a very responsible hunter. Willing to compensate you for your permission.

From Me to ************@**********.org

Hi there!

I will let you hunt in my backyard. I live in an area that is infested with deer. You are more than welcome to kill as many of those white-tailed bastards from hell as you want.

I only have one small favor to ask - let me know if you are interested.

Mike

From Dennis ********* to Me:

Mike,

Thank you. I only plan on bagging one or two deer. Is your property available this weekend? What is your favor?

Dennis

From Me to Dennis *********:

Dennis,

If you are concerned about not having enough room in your truck to bring the deer back, don't worry about it. You can just leave the pile of carcases in my backyard and I'll take care of them. I'll probably just drop them down my neighbor's well, or put them in my wood burner. Burning dead deer makes my house smell nice.

The one favor I am asking of you shouldn't be that much of a problem. My neighbor has this goddamn cat that always wanders into my yard at night and meows. It wakes me up and I am unable to fall back asleep. Also, I can't tell you how many times I have stepped in cat shit on my patio.

All I ask of you is that if you see my neighbor's cat wander into my yard, please blow that son-of-a-bitch straight to hell. Shotgun or crossbow, I don't care how you do it. Try to make it look like an accident though if my neighbor sees it happen.

This weekend is fine for me.

Mike

From Dennis ********* to Me:

How close is your neighbor's house? I was under the impression that you had a large plot of land.

I feel uncomfortable with the idea of killing your neighbor's cat. Sorry.

From Me to Dennis *********:

My neighbor's house is about 50 yards from my house. Why won't you kill the cat? Just pretend it is a deer.

From Dennis ********* to Me:

The cat is someone's pet that they love. I won't kill it. I am willing to compensate you some other way. Have you had a talk with your neighbor about your problems with their cat?

From Me to Dennis *********:

I don't believe this. A hunter that loves animals. Now I've seen everything. I can't talk to my neighbor - she has a restraining order on me from when I went over there and punted her cat like a football.

Seriously, if you kill the cat, my neighbor will have no idea. I was thinking - you said you had a bow and arrow, right?Would you be able to get those arrows with the explosive tip, like the ones Rambo uses? That would surely blow the cat into unrecognizable pieces and my neighbor would never even be able to find it.

From Dennis ********* to Me:

I'm fairly certain that those arrows are fictional. That is beyond the point because I am not shooting a cat. End of discussion.

From Me to Dennis *********:

Is this some kind of a joke? Are you from PETA? Just kill the goddamn cat and you can shoot all of the deer that you want. I'll even have the grill fired up so we can enjoy some freshly-killed venison.

Also, even if those arrows aren't real, they don't seem that hard to make. What about that thing that Arnold used in Predator? Didn't he just take grenade launcher rounds and tie them to an arrow? Try that. Do you have an M203?That would work even better.

From Dennis ********* to Me:

I'll find somewhere else to hunt, thanks.

From Me to Dennis *********:

I hope that while you are hunting, you miss your shot and accidentally kill a cat anyway, you pussy. Phone Post
2/27/12 11:27 AM
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JHR
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Mixed Martial Arts LLC, Moderator
 Subbed :)
2/27/12 12:29 PM
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HAZ_10
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Awesome Phone Post
2/27/12 12:39 PM
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Ram Rod
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Sub Phone Post
2/27/12 12:54 PM
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Tractor
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There is a book called emails from an asshole. Get it Phone Post
2/27/12 12:57 PM
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ZeRoTZ
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Lmao!!

Kons For Kids

Posted at: 2009-09-01 12:47:05

Original ad: childcare needed looking for a responsible and dedicated person to babysit my two children during the week. you will be needed monday through friday, from 7 AM to 4:30 PM. email me at ***********@comcast.net and we can talk about pay. DO NOT EMAIL ME UNLESS YOU HAVE REFERENCES

From Me to **********@comcast.net:

Hi there! Are you still looking for someone to fill your babysitter position?

Mike

From **********@comcast.net to Me:

yes i am. please send your info and any past expereince you have.

From Me to **********@comcast.net:

Actually, I am not the one applying for the position. I run a rehabilitation program for good people who are trying to enter society again, and have a few candidates who I think would be able to watch your kids. They will work for a much cheaper rate than a professional babysitter, but will still deliver professional service.

Mike

From **********@comcast.net to Me:

what kind of rehab program do you run? injured people or something like that? if you are talking about drug addicts than forget it.

From Me to **********@comcast.net:

Absolutely not! Don't worry, I would never even dare consider having drug addicts watch your children. They are children for pete's sake!

My rehabilitation program is called Kons For Kids. We help get ex-convicts back on the right track again, by giving them second chances that they deserve. We help them experience the joy of working with children and helping the community. It is often difficult for these ex-cons to get jobs after being released from a correctional facility, but it is a requirement while being on parole.

We have seen lots of success with the program. Most of our clients are extremely satisfied with their ex-con. Despite the negative image that people like to give to ex-cons, they really are loving, caring people.

I have two potential clients in your area, if you are interested. Here is a little info about them:

Derek Schillinger - Derek is a 43-year-old male from the Delaware County area. Just released after serving 17 of 25 years for two counts of third-degree murder. Derek loves to laugh, read, and enjoys long walks on the beach.

Timothy Beecher - Tim is a 36-year-old male who was just released after serving 12 years of his 15 year sentence for armed robbery and assault with a deadly weapon. Tim was released on good behavior and is ready to get back into the real world. Tim enjoys working with kids, and has six kids of his own with various women in the tri-state area. Before his conviction, Tim was a mid-level cocaine dealer. He knows a lot about economics and business, and would be able to give your children a great education while watching them.

I look forward to working with you. Please let me know which person you were interested in, and I will give their parole officer a call.

Thanks!

Mike

From **********@comcast.net to Me:

wow. kons for kids? that is the stupidest thing ive ever heard!!! who the fuck would let a murderer watch their kids!

From Me to **********@comcast.net:

KFK is a very respectable program. I'm guessing from your apparent issues with murderers, you aren't interested in Derek. Before you completely rule him out, I would like to point out that he was convicted of third degree murder, which is the most harmless kind of murder. Third degree murder isn't premeditated murder, and it usually just accidental murder. I talked to Derek, and he said he didn't mean to kill the guy, he just wanted to hurt him. Please give him another chance.

If you don't want him watching your kids, I'll understand. Should I tell Tim you are interested instead?

Mike

From **********@comcast.net to Me:

i dont want tim or derek or any of the other lunatics you try to pass off as babysitters! murder is murder it doesnt matter which way you put it now leave me the fuck alone!

From Me to **********@comcast.net:

I already told Tim that he got the job. Please don't make me have to give him the bad news.

From Me to **********@comcast.net:

Are you still there? It has been three days, and Tim wants to know when he can start working again.

From Me to **********@comcast.net:

Well, I hope you are happy. I had to tell Tim that you weren't willing to give him a second chance. Tim got so angry that he tried to stab me with a fountain pen. Needless to say, that was considered a violation of his parole and he has been sent back to his correctional facility to serve the remainder of his sentence. You essentially ruined Tim's life, after he was ready to get back on the right track. You are a horrible person. Mike Phone Post
2/27/12 12:58 PM
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ZeRoTZ
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Tractor - There is a book called emails from an asshole. Get it Phone Post
Why when they can be posted here for free. Enjoy dude. Phone Post
2/27/12 1:50 PM
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DaveM
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lol
2/27/12 2:40 PM
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TanPour
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