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5/9/12 10:12 PM
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microbiologynerd
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 With the holidays approaching, I know some of you may be traveling who don’t spend a lot of time on airplanes. So let me give you a few helpful hints: 

Numbering is off, don’t care.

1. It is a ‘Metal detector’ it detects metal. Here is how to tell if something will set it off, and make me wait while you walk back and forth fumbling around in your pockets… is it made of METAL??? Then, yes….it is going to set off the metal detector.
2. Yes…you have to take you shoes off. No, don’t turn around in line and try to talk to me about why you think it is silly. I.dont.care. Take them off. And your jacket. And ANYTHINNG MADE OF METAL.
3. Yes, the beer really is $8.50…  get out of my way, I am thirsty. 
4. No, you can’t bring your bottle of water past security. I DON’T CARE that you think it is stupid. 
5. Can you pick up your ‘carry one’ and hold it over your head? No? THEN CHECK IT. And no… I won’t help you put it in the overhead. 
6. You have a carry on, a purse, a laptop bag, and 3 bags of crap you bought. That is too much..so don’t act all pissy when you have to gate check your carry on. If it was up to me, you would have to check your carry on, and take a slap in the face for being stupid. 
7. Is this my bag? Guess what…every piece of luggage is black and has wheels…know which one is yours, don’t grab every bag that comes by and look at it for 5 minutes trying to figure out if it is yours. Put a piece of string on it – or a sticker. I recommend a sticker that reads ‘I am a window licker’ so you are sure it is yours. 
8. When they announce they are boarding the plane you don’t have to stand up and mill around near the gate. Stay where you are and wait till they call your section. And yes, I know it is the holiday season…I don’t care…MOVE. 
9. If you have a backpack, shoulder bag, European mens carry all, one of those stupid ass huge purses , laptop bag or something else slung over your shoulder…do you notice how it feels like it is bumping into things as you walk down the aisle? Do you notice? DO YOU NOTICE?? Let me give you a hint…it is peoples effing heads you are bumping into you mouth breathing troglodyte…take it off your shoulder! 
10. The seats are small – yes that is true. But you still weigh 400 lbs, a park bench isn’t big enough for you to sit on. Buy two seats, or stay home. 
11. For the love of all that is holy…take a god damn shower. 
12. Don’t talk to me. I don’t care that you are going to visit your Grandkids. 
13. When the plane lands…wait your turn to get off. I don’t care if you have a connecting flight. I really truly do not care.
14. I don’t care that you want to sit next to your wife/friend/mom/boyfriend…I don’t care. Sit in your seat. I am not moving. You will live not being next to them for a couple of hours….and my guess is they probably are glad to not to have to talk to you for a few hours – you are annoying.
16. no im not surprised i have to pay for meals
17. i dont care if you are the ceo of supermegacompany. i dont want to hear your fucking phone call
17a. stop giving everyone in your contact list minute by minute updates of whats going on in the plane. they dont care.
18. youre quiet, reading, and got your one carryon in the overhead bin? congrats, youre in the minority that have 3 or more brain cells.
19. if you're late boarding and the overhead bins are closed, its because theyre full. gate check your bag. 
20. wow you put on a sport coat and tie to travel. you're still a nobody. stop pretending you are.

21. at least put in an honest effort in keeping your kids quiet/fed/happy. people on the plane cant leave if theyre screaming brats. 
22. women who look extra hot while travelling do so for the attention. as men, we will look at you. dont dress like that if you dont want looks.
23. when the plane lands you do not need to take your phone out and let 547 people know youve landed. you were just FLYING THROUGH THE AIR IN A TIN CAN AT OVER 600 MPH. STOP AND THINK ABOUT HOW AWESOME THAT IS FOR A FUCKING MINUTE.
24. if you gate checked bags, give the guys unlaoding the plane a few minutes before bitching under your breath about how important you think you are. you're not. get over it. your bags will come shortly. 
25. take a piss before boarding. why the **** do 7 people always have to take a leak the second the seatbelt sign goes off??

5/9/12 10:13 PM
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microbiologynerd
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 26. computers need their own bin to be scanned. this is not new. 

27. have your ticket and id ready before its your turn to go through security. you have 2 hands and likely pockets. quit holding others up becuase youre an idiot. this goes doubletime if youre travelling internationally and going through customs.
28. giving tsa any attitude will not speed up the process. you're a nobody. no youre not rocking the system or fucking the man
29. idle banter while waiting for a late plane or during flight is ok to a point. if im not responding, theres a reason. (hint: its you)
30. show some fucking respect to the flight attendants. they put up with thousands of you assholes every week. "please", "thank you" and "excuse me" go further than you think


31. dont try and wedge yourself between me and the luggage belt. im standing here, and theres plenty of other space for you to wait and sweat while breathing
32. grabbing a taxi? theres a line and skycap for a reason dipshit.
33. sometimes bags get misplaced and dont make the flight you're on. you know what? the airline WILL FUCKING DELIVER IT TO YOU LATER THAT DAY. CALM THE FUCK DOWN.
34. one person does not need to take up a table for 6 in a restaurant so you can spread out with laptop, phone, notebook, files, papers etc. really need all that space? youre that fucking important? really? then you can afford a membership to one of the airline private clubs. get the fuck out of the bar. 
35. no they didnt call your section to board yet. feel dumb going up 3 times already? you should.

36. if theres a seperate check in and bag drop line and you try to cut either line or fake asking a question and try to check in, im calling you out. 
37. didnt plan ahead and allow extra time for fuckups? i dont give a shit. dont ask to cut through check in/bag drop / security because your plane is boarding. we all wanted to get an extra hour of sleep too but didnt. go fuck yourself. 
38. travelling with coworkers? be careful while "venting" about work in public. we all have our shitty days or bosses, but theres a limit to whats in poor taste. i'm gonna start calling your parent companies to let them know how you're representing them. 
39. figure out how your fucking demon spawn carriage folds up BEFORE coming to the fucking airport. screwing with it for 15 minutes at the xray scanner does not bode well for you or your offspring. 
40. airlines have a weight limit per bag. this is not new. dont act upset that you jammed too much shit in there. its your fault, not the airlines. pack seperate bags or pay the fee knuckledragger.

41. on the shuttle to the parking lot or rental car stop? put your bags in the racks provided, not in the aisle of the shuttle bus or van. 
42. didnt reserve a rental car? shocked theyre all rented on a monday morning? im shocked you managed to tie your shoes and make it to the airport. demanding to speak to a manager will not make cars appear out of nowhere.
43. if youre checking bags with the skycaps outside, TIP THEM A FEW BUCKS PER BAG YOU CHEAP SHIT. theyre saving you a ton of time. 
44. walking slow through the airport? move to the side and let people who know wtf theyre doing to go through.
45. learn to pack more efficiently. you do not need 5 suitcases for a week long trip. and yes, you're paying extra for at least 3 of those bags

46. KIDS are not expert travelers - Don't fucking get in my road warrior line because it looks shorter.

47. read the signs on your way into the airport. do NOT cut me off because you cant read/are retarded and missed the exit for your terminal. 
48. the signs on the moving walkways that say "stand to right, pass on left" do not mean "stand on right and put all your bags on the left fatty"
49. the self check in kiosks are there for a reason dumbass. we've all used a computer and dont need someone to hold our hands thru this. it will be ok. 
49a. if we're inline and you're too dumb to use the kiosk, i'm going ahead to use it. sorry, you're an idiot. 
50. if youre picked for extra random screening, its not bad and wont cost you more than 2-3 minutes of your "valuable" time. dont act like all high and mighty

5/9/12 10:13 PM
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microbiologynerd
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 51. made it thru screening quickly? grab your shit and move along, others are coming through. dont put your shoes, belt, watch, jewelry, wallet, change, phone and coat on in the way of everyone else.

52. most of the stores you can walk into are narrow. dragging all your bags through doesnt help. if youve got tons of bags, dont go in. 
53. if you buy any of the "secrets to sales success" or motivational books at the airport... I love you man. 
54. chances are a salad would do wonders for your waistline and also spare your fellow passengers from bacon cheeseburger burps. 
55. at the gate waiting to board? your 4 bags and coat dont each need a seat.

56. doing some work waiting for your flight? you dont need 57 powerpoint presentations and 102 excel charts open to show how awesomely important you think you are. (hint: youre not)
57. the gate seating areas are not personal playpens for your poorly raised children. sure kids will be curious and excited, but they should not be running around making everyone else miserable. 
58. why is my laptop online? because i have a wifi account you moron. if the airport doesnt provide it free, (and most dont) you have to pay for it. and no, you cant check your facebook.
59. my headphones are on so i cant hear your calls. you're not mr popular just because you're at the airport
60. on a connecting flight? then get your fatass to the gate asap. you can piss on the plane after takeoff (see #25). buying food, newspaper, checking voicemail, etc is unacceptable for holding up others. if the door is closed on your sorry ass, too ****ing bad.

61) If your seat is at the back of the plane TAKE YOUR FUCKING CARRY ON BAG TO THE BACK OF THE FUCKING PLANE WITH YOU and use the overhead bin OVER YOUR OWN FUCKING HEAD! The time and effort you THINK you are saving by sticking your bag in the first available overhead you see is only going to get used up by the person sitting under your bag trying to find a place for his. Also if your bag is over my fucking seat I will put it on the fucking floor and tell the flight attendant it was on the floor when I got here.

62) You don't need to put a bookbag or small duffel bag in a plastic tray to put it through the scanner, you fucking retards.

65. The most efficient way to get everyone off the plane is to stand in your row to get your luggage down while you allow others to move past you in the aisle. If you're standing in front of me, and you pause to help the retirees (who are in NO hurry) get their bags down, saying, "Which one? The gray one? This gray one? Both of them? Behind this one? This one? Which one? That gray one?" I will punch you in the back of the head. Let the old people sit and wait and the flight attendants will help them after the rest of us have gotten off the plane. They don't want to hold us up any more than we want to be held up.

5/9/12 10:13 PM
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microbiologynerd
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 66. If you get off the plane and stand with your wife side by side on the jetway, blocking it, while you both put on your coats, tuck in your shirts, check to make sure you haven't forgotten your glasses or your sudoku book, and adjust the handle on your roll-along, I'm going to punch one of you in the back of the head. Stand single file against the wall so I can walk past you.

67. give any trash to the flight attendants. dont stuff it in the seat pocket like an idiot
68. when the announcement comes to turn off all electronic devices... it means turn off all electronic devices asshole. not play solitaire or fiddle with your ipod for 5 more minutes till you have to be told individually to turn it off. 
69. referring to 68.- acting like youve been just asked to cut off your thumb makes me want to punch you more. 
70. bags/purses/etc have to go in the overhead bin or underneath the seat in front of you for a reason dipshit. if it doesnt fit, check it. no i dont care if you think its cute and safe to buckle it in.
71. learn to read your god damn ticket. i pay extra in some cases for emrgency rows because i want the extra legroom. no i didnt make a mistake and take your seat dickhead. move along and kindly slap yourself.
72. youll make everyone happier if you carry your coat and carryon bag in seperate hands while boarding so they can be easily stored. stopping in the aisle and flailing your arms like an idiot because your fatass cant remove a coat in a narrow space hurts everyone and makes god kill kittens.

73. I don't want to hear why you need to change seats. You booked a ticket with your specific seat, if you knew your seat wouldn't work for you, you should have reserved a different one or booked a different flight. Complaining to the flight attendant that your seat doesn't recline because it's against the bulkhead should be grounds for getting kicked off the plane.


75. when asked if anyone needs extra time to "pre-board"- this means you dummy with the 3 kids under the age of 2.
76. its late december. no shit its cold in the jetway. complaining doesnt help
77. decide before you board if you want your coat on or off. getting up and changing your mind 3x while others are trying to get to their seats is real annoying

5/9/12 10:14 PM
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microbiologynerd
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 More travel tips

Submitted by me, another fellow road warrior, and a flight attendant for united.

SUGGESTIONS FOR ASSHOLES
-If it's 4am and all the lights are off, shut off your fucking light. People are trying to sleep, this is why they SHUT THE LIGHTS OFF. There is no need to light up half the fucking cabin so you can read about a nosehair-trimmer you will never buy.

-Leave your child/infant home. Nothing makes you want to dropkick a baby more than hearing one cry for ten hours straight. My old "flying shirt" was a drawing of a little boy and girl. It read: SMACK THE SHIT OUT OF YOUR CHILDREN, THEY DESERVE IT. Truer words have never been spoken.

SUGGESTIONS FOR NORMAL PEOPLE WHO JUST AREN'T USED TO FLYING:
-Bring something to read. Sky Mall shouldn't be the peak of your entertainment.
-Unless it's a very short flight, deprive yourself of sleep before the flight. Cutting 8 hours off a 12 hour flight is very nice.
-Don't drink fluids before the flight. They will make you piss, when they shut the seatbelt light off, have fun waiting behind 4 people in front of you.
-Bring gum and chew it on takeoff and landing. It helps with the pressure changes.
Be very nice to staff. They will take care of you.

SUGGESTIONS FOR AIRLINES/TSA
-Weigh everyone and there baggage, and have them pay per pound. Why should I have to pay the same amount as the fatfuck next to me.
-Enough with the crazy security. I don't feel like waiting 2 hours to get on a fucking plane. Let people bring whatever the fuck they want and hassle the arabs. I'll risk it, just seriously calm the fuck down.

74. There sure are a lot of fine looking bitches at the airport! 
75. when asked if anyone needs extra time to "pre-board"- this means you dummy with the 3 kids under the age of 2.
76. its late december. no shit its cold in the jetway. complaining doesnt help
77. decide before you board if you want your coat on or off. getting up and changing your mind 3x while others are trying to get to their seats is real annoying

5/9/12 10:14 PM
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microbiologynerd
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 78. If you need to tell somebody that your plane has landed use a TEXT message. Nobody on the plane wants to hear you talk and the person you are calling can't hear shit.

79. I really don't want to hear about your religion mr person in the next seat. Actually I don't want to talk to you at all can't you see the headphones and closed eyes?


80. During the flight, if you need to get up to use the restroom, please do not pull yourself down the aisle seat by seat using the head rests. You are not scaling Everest, and some people are sleeping.
I'd like to offer some pointers from the other side of the drink cart.

- Don't poke your flight attendants to get their attention. If you are within range of poking, chances are you are in hearing range. We respond to a variety of names. If all else fails, ring the call button. 
- If you do ring the call button, once will be enough. Pushing it 20 times in a row does not make us show up faster. It just irrates us faster.
- When we come through with drink orders, take off your headphones. I hate asking "what may I get you to drink" 3 times in a row all because you can't hear me over the movie.
- Tell us what you want in your coffee. We aren't psychic.
- You know that your cell phone has to be off. Save everyone the headache and turn it off.
- Manners are a wonderful thing. We notice who say please and thank you and we notice who bark their drink orders out to us.
- If you come back to the galley and you notice that your flight attendants are eating, don't comment on their food. Everyone feels a need to stop and point out that we eat and gets really old after awhile.
- Words are a wonderful thing. I can't tell you how many times I've been eating, and people shove an empty cup in my face. I don't know if you want a refill or if it's trash if you don't use words.
- The seatbelt sign is on. Yes, it applies to you. I don't care how bad you have to pee. I can't physically stop you from going to the bathroom.
- In the terminal, I don't know anything. I don't know where your flight is leeaving from, I don't know why it's delayed, I don't know who you are, and I don't know how much it's going to cost you to rent a car.
- I don't care that your luggage fit in the overhead on the last flight. It obviously isn't fitting on this flight.
- Speaking of overheads, be aware of how you put your bag up there. Don't just throw it in and let it be someone elses problem. And make sure the overhead compartment closes. If it doesn't close, it's not going.
- You're probably going to miss your connection, and no I cannot call ahead to have them hold the flight.

All of these come from real life personal experiences.

Crying babies are the reason headphones were invented, and they're just a regular (though slightly annoying) part of air travel. However, there are definitely some parents who just don't give a shit that their baby is making noise, and we should be allowed to kick those parents in the shin as we deboard.

witnessed this one lat night picking up gf from airport

you cant sit idle in your car for more than a minute or two while waiting to pick up someone on an arriving flight. the staties will make you go to the cellphone lot or do a lap around the airport and circle back. saw some douche in an escalade talk back to a female statie last night several times because he wouldnt move his impotencemobile. granted the chances this vinny bag-o-donuts wasnt a terrorist, the cops are keeping it the same for everyone. i did 3 laps before gf got her bags and got out.

- if you're one of the last people to board and you have a huge fucking suitcase for carry-on, don't act surprised/miffed/pissed if theres no room left in the overhead for your bag full of dildos. check that shit at the gate.

5/9/12 10:15 PM
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microbiologynerd
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 - if you're being paged over the intercom several times that your flight is ready to depart, well guess what asshole? it means your flight is ready to depart! the airline knows youve checked in, get your fatass to the gate or PAY to rebook. better yet, stop being such a fucking lolly-gagging idiot and I love you man.

- overweight hens who somehow meet and bond while boarding need to die. no one cares about how empowered you think oprah makes you feel.


more on the way... stand by!

5/15/12 7:52 PM
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microbiologynerd
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 ttt
5/30/12 3:39 AM
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Ham and Egger
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I enjoyed this.
5/30/12 10:11 AM
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microbiologynerd
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At lax now. Ttmft Phone Post
5/30/12 9:15 PM
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Lun8
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 lmao best thread ever
12/19/12 2:14 PM
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microbiologynerd
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ttt assbags

11/20/13 12:40 PM
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microbiologynerd
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ttt


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