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6/2/14 9:22 AM
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Ghost of Sex_Guy
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St. Peter calls the third man to tell his story and looks at him with a confused face.

Man#3

Picture this....I'm butt naked in a refrigerator. Phone Post 3.0
6/2/14 9:26 AM
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Danger'sDaddy
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Tractor -
Pig Bun - [Driving past an impressive cemetery, large monuments and such, with people who have not previously heard the joke.] "You know, if you live in this city, it is illegal for you to be buried in this cemetery."

I've used that joke dozens of times in my life, and only maybe 3 people have caught on. My son is 19, and reports that he has successfully used it dozens of times as well.
Explination? Phone Post 3.0
It's illegal to bury a person who is alive Phone Post 3.0
6/2/14 10:08 AM
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nubs
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What's brown and sticky all over?

A stick. Phone Post 3.0
6/2/14 11:08 AM
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illini89i
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What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?



Dr Dre Phone Post 3.0
6/2/14 12:38 PM
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QuadAces
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What's brown and sounds like a bell?

Dung Phone Post 3.0
6/2/14 12:41 PM
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beasly213
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Mr. Pibb is a replica of Dr. Pepper but it's a bullshit replica cause dude didn't even get his degree!
6/2/14 1:27 PM
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TFK_Dagz
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What's the difference between jelly and jam?


I can't jelly my cock down your throat. Phone Post 3.0
6/2/14 1:29 PM
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BJTT_MrAntichrist
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What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the Batmobile?




"Robin, get in the Batmobile." Phone Post 3.0
6/2/14 1:55 PM
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Gspthegoat
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Ghost of Sex_Guy - St. Peter calls the second man to tell his tale.

Man#2

Picture this.....I live on the 26th floor of an apartment building. Every morning I do my workouts on the balcony. Today I slipped and fell. Luckily I managed to hold onto the balcony below. I'm screaming for help for what seemed like hours when a man came outside. I think I'm saved until he starts beating the shit out of me! Finally he leaves and I think I'm saved again! He then comes out with a hammer and starts hammering on my fingers! I can't take it anymore and I fall 25 stories. What do you know, after falling 25 stories I land in some bushes. I get up to brush myself off and I look up to thank God I'm still alive....Bam! Refrigerator, kills me instantly.

St. Peter shakes his head and tells the man that sounds like a bad day and to go on in. Phone Post 3.0
That's a terrible favorite joke.

I hope no one asks you in person" hey ghost of sex guy what's your favorite joke"....

Well give
Me 30 minutes. Phone Post 3.0
6/2/14 1:59 PM
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MattyECB
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Tractor - 
Pig Bun - [Driving past an impressive cemetery, large monuments and such, with people who have not previously heard the joke.] "You know, if you live in this city, it is illegal for you to be buried in this cemetery."

I've used that joke dozens of times in my life, and only maybe 3 people have caught on. My son is 19, and reports that he has successfully used it dozens of times as well.
Explination? Phone Post 3.0

Maybe he means if you live, as in still alive? That's got to be the worse pun based joke I've hear in my entire life. 

6/2/14 2:00 PM
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MattyECB
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Here's one I actually made up so it's not very good, 

 

Who's James Bond's favorite celebrity bartender?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

....Michael J Fox 

6/2/14 2:19 PM
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Lrrr Ruler of Omicron Persei 8
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What do you call a fish with no eyes?


A fsh. Phone Post 3.0
6/2/14 2:21 PM
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Ghost of Sex_Guy
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Gspthegoat -
Ghost of Sex_Guy - St. Peter calls the second man to tell his tale.

Man#2

Picture this.....I live on the 26th floor of an apartment building. Every morning I do my workouts on the balcony. Today I slipped and fell. Luckily I managed to hold onto the balcony below. I'm screaming for help for what seemed like hours when a man came outside. I think I'm saved until he starts beating the shit out of me! Finally he leaves and I think I'm saved again! He then comes out with a hammer and starts hammering on my fingers! I can't take it anymore and I fall 25 stories. What do you know, after falling 25 stories I land in some bushes. I get up to brush myself off and I look up to thank God I'm still alive....Bam! Refrigerator, kills me instantly.

St. Peter shakes his head and tells the man that sounds like a bad day and to go on in. Phone Post 3.0
That's a terrible favorite joke.

I hope no one asks you in person" hey ghost of sex guy what's your favorite joke"....

Well give
Me 30 minutes. Phone Post 3.0
Lol! It takes a minute to tell it. It just takes a bit longer to read it :(

Besides, I can tell a good joke because of body movement and voices. Don't hate me. Phone Post 3.0
6/2/14 2:24 PM
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sadic1
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What do you get when you cross an insomniac, and agnostic, and a dyslexic? Someone who lies awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.
6/2/14 2:31 PM
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sadic1
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A passenger jet start experiencing turbulence, and as the passengers are already getting nervous, the pilot come on the intercom and says the plane is most likely going down. Everyone starts to panic and amidst the chaos a woman stands up and announces, "I don't want to die a virgin! Is there someone on this plane who will make me feel like a woman during out last seconds alive?"

A burly Italian man stands up and says, "I will." He begind to unbutton his shirt as she waits impatiently. Finally, he removes his shirt and tosses it to the woman, and says, "Iron this shirt for me."
6/2/14 2:40 PM
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tom_hkr
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What do you get if you come across a tiger in the jungle?


Wipe it off and say sorry Phone Post 3.0
6/2/14 2:57 PM
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Bossk
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MattyECB -

Here's one I actually made up so it's not very good, 

 

Who's James Bond's favorite celebrity bartender?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

....Michael J Fox 

There's a group of three friends who become ship wrecked on an island. They run into the natives who are cannibals, they say "go into the jungle and grab 10 fruits of your choice." Well the first guy comes back and he has apples, the natives tell him if he can shove them up his ass without wincing or making a noise they'll let him live and won't eat him. He gets halfway through the first one and starts screaming in pain so they kill him. Well guy number 2 comes back with blueberries and they tell him to shove them up his ass without wincing or making a noise if he wants to live. Well he gets to number 7 and starts bursting out laughing and they kill him. He makes it to heaven and his friend asks him "what the hell did you laugh for?" He then says he saw friend #3 coming back with pineapples. Phone Post 3.0
6/2/14 2:58 PM
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Bossk
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Stupid app with its vu/quote glitch. Phone Post 3.0
6/2/14 3:02 PM
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sadic1
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A rope walks into a bar wanting to get a drink. He steps up to the bar, but the bartender immediately tells him, "Listen pal, we DON'T serve ROPES in this bar, and I am going to have to ask you to leave."

The rope, shaken but undaunted leaves the bar, ties himself in a knot, messes up his hair, and walks right back in to get his drink.

As he steps up to the bar, the bartender says, "Hey, we don't server ropes in here. Are you a rope?"

The rope replies defiantly, "I'm a FRAYED KNOT!"
6/2/14 3:04 PM
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Sherlock bonesalot
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Police officer just arrested me for domestic violence.
In the interview he asked me why I keep beating my wife.

I said its because of my superior footwork longer reach and a cracking right hook.



My other one is
My wife asked me to start on the dinner

So I squared up to the vegetables shouted at the pork chops karate chopped the potatoes and pushed the sausages of the table Phone Post 3.0
6/2/14 3:12 PM
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RoFu
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Old but my fav...

Why do Mexicans make tamales for Xmas?

So they have something to unwrap Phone Post 3.0
6/3/14 2:07 AM
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WeidmanBrokeTheLEGend
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RoFu - Old but my fav...

Why do Mexicans make tamales for Xmas?

So they have something to unwrap Phone Post 3.0
Ttt Phone Post 3.0
6/3/14 2:10 AM
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gum989
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What did the lady on the beach say to Micheal Jackson?

"Hey - Get out of my son".
6/3/14 2:13 AM
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ShanTheMan
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My wife said to give her 12 inches and make it hurt,

so I fucked her 3 times and punched her in the face
6/3/14 2:14 AM
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andrew21
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How many cops does it take to push a black guy down the stairs??

None. He "Fell" Phone Post 3.0

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