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AcademicGround >> good statement of reasons??


9/27/06 9:46 PM
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meow mix
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Edited: 27-Sep-06
Member Since: 11/19/2005
Posts: 773
 
Okay, this is my statement of reasons to get accepted to the School of Criminal Justice at Uof Albany. Constructive criticism would be muchly appreciated. In the draft I would turn in, there are breaks between paragraphs. Thanks guys. I would like to major in Criminal Justice because I thoroughly enjoy studying law and crime. I believe that a job working within a prison directly with inmates would be an ideal career for me and the University at Albany's School of Criminal Justice has a great program to get me into a career that would allow me to do what I am aiming for. I began the path towards a career in law at Mohawk Valley Community College in Utica, NY. After two years of full-time course work and finding a love for the law combined with a love for helping people that I never knew was in me, I transferred to the University at Albany with an A.A.S. in Criminal Justice into the accounting program. I was thinking that I would like to try my hand at forensic accounting and get involved with the FBI. Half way through my first semester at UAlbany, I determined that I really did not enjoy accounting and really missed the ambiguity of criminal justice, though the dream of possibly someday working for the FBI still exists. I love free thinking and being able to do things that aren't necessarily the norm, and accounting did not allow me to freely express myself and my ideas. Unfortunately, due to the fact that I could not grasp the "generally accepted accounting" principles, I received a D+ in the class and my overall GPA suffered severely. I graduated from MVCC with a 3.34 GPA never before having gotten below a C. I am mainly an A and B student, so receiving a D and having a GPA of 2.85 was something very new to me. Needless to say, I applied to the School of Criminal Justice here at Albany and was not accepted almost based solely on the GPA from the one semester I had to prove myself. Although I am now a senior and still not accepted into the program, I am continuing with criminal justice coursework and am doing very well which is demonstrated by an increase in my grades. In both criminal justice courses I took last semester, I received A's. I feel as though I've begun the road back to myself and going for what I want. I am already enjoying the criminal justice classes that I am taking this semester, and am really enjoying the teaching styles of those professors. Being accepted to the University at Albany's School of Criminal Justice would allow me chances to prove myself above and beyond any other school. I am willing to work hard for what I want, and am very dedicated to my schooling. I am an intelligent individual with thoughts about maybe one day trying to restructure prison systems to better suit individual needs, to reduce recidivism rates, and to try a more therapeutic approach to criminal reformation. My hope to graduate next May is still there, and I want to graduate with a degree in Criminal Justice with a minor in Psychology from the University at Albany.
10/4/06 12:15 AM
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Andrew Yao
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Edited: 04-Oct-06
Member Since: 01/01/2001
Posts: 3466
Don't say anything negative about yourself or anyone else. That's a cardinal rule. Don't make any kind of excuses, just don't talk about it. I found it very boring. You need to start it out with something interesting. Make up a story about how you saw some youths light a hobo on fire or something. It's society's fault. With the extinction of the sabre-toothed tiger, their scowling and mumbling goes unchecked.
10/4/06 7:00 AM
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FiatLux
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Edited: 04-Oct-06
Member Since: 03/12/2002
Posts: 4466
You need to refocus and realize that you're writing a persuasive statement (probably no more than 500 words). Someone needs to explain to you the difference between passive voice and active voice. Think about telling some unknown admissions person your story that proves why you belong at the University of Albany. Here are some passive statements that you assert but don't support: "I thoroughly enjoy studying law and crime" – what in the world does this mean? Explain this statement and be specific about what type of law and what type of crime you enjoy studying... "I believe that a job working within a prison directly with inmates would be an ideal career for me and the University at Albany's School of Criminal Justice has a great program to get me into a career that would allow me to do what I am aiming for." This doesn't sound convincing and it sounds almost creepy. First off, I don't believe this statement at all. Second, if you believe it then please say something in support of it like why of all possible places you chose the University of Albany's School of Criminal Justice. Delete anything that references community college, grades, or other redundant material that will be established when you send supporting documentation. Use these 500 words to sell yourself and convince the university why they should take you over EVERYONE else. These were directions I saved when I was applying to Purdue: Submit a statement of 300-500 words concerning your purpose for undertaking or continuing graduate study, your reasons for wanting to study at Purdue, and your professional plans, career goals, and research interests. You also may explain any special circumstances applicable to your background and elaborate on your abilities, awards, achievements, scholarly publications, and/or professional history. In this statement be sure to describe your preparation for history and research and writing, paying particular attention to research skills. Statements that show some knowledge of what our program has to offer and that discuss the work of particular professors in our department are more compelling than generic statements.
10/17/06 1:31 AM
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FiatLux
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Edited: 17-Oct-06
Member Since: 03/12/2002
Posts: 4490
did you mail it yet?
10/18/06 7:45 PM
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meow mix
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Edited: 18-Oct-06
Member Since: 11/19/2005
Posts: 972
i actually posted this the day before it had to be in so any feedback i got was after i had already turned it in. plus, i've been busy with life so i apologize for not responding back sooner. thank you for the feedback as it will definitely prove useful in the future.
10/20/06 3:07 AM
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FiatLux
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Edited: 20-Oct-06
Member Since: 03/12/2002
Posts: 4494
good luck
10/23/06 11:23 AM
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meow mix
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Edited: 23-Oct-06
Member Since: 11/19/2005
Posts: 973
thanks.. i found out i did get in.. i believe my saving grace was that i am a senior.. anyway, i'm in, it's weak but if i go on at least i'll have something to look at to formulate a better statement..

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